Slave mentality

Therapy is meant to make you feel better, but before it makes you feel better, it can make you feel worse.

Acknowledging and simply being your authentic self is also meant to feel better, but it isn't necessarily so at the outset either.

To explain, by way of hypnotherapy over the telephone, a session of a sexual nature, I experienced the depths of my submissive self. 

I believe for the first time in my life I referred to myself as a Slave and did those things that slaves do. 

'Admit to me what you are!'

'I'm a slave, I'm a slave.'

These words came from the darkest recesses of my mind.

Orgasming on demand, over and over, occurred effortlessly. Obeying these commands seemed the most natural thing in the world.

 I was told a story, set in ancient times, of what my life was like. My primary role was to be trained and f**ked, not just by one Owner but by many men, and women. I listened in a trance, found it all quite wonderful.

For a day or two, I felt liberated and joyous. The possibilities for my life in real terms seemed transformational and exciting. I felt buoyant and rejuvenated.

Then, real life happened, new knowledge of on the ground life challenges. It was necessary to get out of my kink head and problem solve; come up with answers for the problems presented to me. Far from a simple slave girl here I was using my brain hard to resolve financial issues like a big, independent girl.

It's not just the problems and the efforts it will take to solve them that troubles me. It's the compatibility issues that have come about for what I refer to as 'the slave mentality'. I fully understand that I can't just permanently dwell in a slave mentality, but did the shove into the real world need to happen so immediately and so starkly?

The undeniable equation is that a slave needs a Master/Owner. A Master goes about getting a 'slave', if that is their inclination. Off the Master goes to the slave market, or whatever, and buys himself a slave fit for purpose - pretty, enticing, useful; easy to train to desired specification. (In the trance I don't know where I came from exactly, but the hypnotist accompanied me back to ancient times and took me to his expansive home where slaves abounded, and I was trained and prepared for Ownership. Always welcome back to visit the girls, the gardener and cook who regularly used me, of course.)

But what if it is the other way around? Does a slave go looking for a Master? Sure, sometimes that is going to happen, but what about transforming a husband into a Master or Owner, somewhat permanently? Can that really happen? 

It's taken me this long to acknowledge my deepest desires and here I am with a husband not at all well and, should he have married just about anyone but me, would never in his wildest dreams thought of going about having his own 'slave'. Now, what to do?

I have been thinking about this in a practical way. What needs to happen here? One might consider a Contract. Your responsibilities are this and mine are that. I want this and you want that. I fail to do this and that means you need to do that. Like that.

I think there is a step here that hasn't been considered. Once upon a time, my husband enjoyed 'scenes' with me. He'd have expectations, things he wanted to do, usually to achieve pleasure for me and thus himself. There was a lot of dopamine flying about and thus in daily life, it was all pretty smooth. I sought to please him. He rode that high for himself. All good.

That was a long time ago now when we were playing for mutual pleasure. My husband became unwell, and although we made it up the mountain of D/s pleasure every now and again, we spent much more time down in the valley. It's much, much harder this time for things to be spontaneous about this situation. The last dozen years have been very wearing on both of us and on the relationship.

What I know is that this slave can't wait for her Master to devise her curriculum, her daily tasks, her expectations. I think that might be a 'Waiting for Godot' situation and we all know how that turned out.

He's been advised that all slaves need 'training' but where's the manual for that? So, I bought myself 'Dom's Guide to Submissive Training' by Elizabeth Cramer and next step I think is to summarize it for my husband. Boy, she's tough, but I get off on listening to that audio. I may have listened to it four times now.

Although the next step is to devise a Contract, I think you have to have some idea of all this before you can begin to know what to write down, what to discuss; whether this is even going to work for the two of us.

Is he prepared to put the time aside? Does he think he will enjoy the training? Should we do it in, say, two-hour intervals when we get the time? Should there be protocols for a 24-hour period? Can we accept, both of us, he may need to be tough at first? And how, can we smoothly make the transition from that world to the real world where we need to have our heads about us?

I came across a good article by Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes entitled 'Dominant and Submissive Relationships - Top 10 Rules to Follow. I think my husband needs suggestions for the revised relationship and I have offered him a few suggestions. 

I like the idea of sitting below him when watching television. I like the floor and I like the slave feeling this gives me, always have.

I like the idea of learning some positions and being asked to get into those positions using the number. It's just a weird turn on I have used a lot in fantasy. I think one correspondent mentioned it many years ago and I never forgot it.

Snipes suggests, 'Make Master proud'. Yes, love this. I am seriously considering a short course to prepare myself for part time employment, as an example, and he has given his support for that, would be proud of me. I would thrive on receiving praise. 

'I speak, you obey'. God, yessss, that's such a turn on.

It's a pity this is all happening at this busy time of year. You need plenty of down time to get this established, to do the communicating and sharing of ideas. Without his participation, all I have is fodder for fantasy and endless unrequited desire.

I so want this to happen. 

It would make me so happy. I also think it would make him happy too.

And, most importantly, us.

Note: The image above is a photo of a card that was left by my mat whilst I was meditating in a group this evening, after writing this. It felt right to include it in this post today.