Turned on

I have great respect for those people who are willing to express their thoughts and beliefs, regardless of whether they are popular or well received. I have always had in my life a man, be he father, brother, husband, boss or good friend, who feels entirely comfortable in expressing his thoughts openly. Sometimes, those thoughts, frustrations or opinions are expressed in a way that is unfortunate. I can think of many times when I have wished all the way down to my toes that the opinion or complaint be delivered in a more tactful way. It is just not my style to be aggressive, until really and truly pushed into a corner where I refuse to go.

I might say to him “Darling, people are looking” but that means nothing to him when all fired up. If he wants a certain outcome and someone is blocking his way; if he feels an injustice has been done and he wants rectification, then even news cameras aren’t going to stop him from insisting on his way. In many ways, this D/s space is nothing new to me.

I do feel that such men are attracted to women who are able to balance out their assertive personalities. It is no co-incidence, I don’t think that my husband chose a sweet girl; fairly quiet and not particularly assertive. Life with a girl as keen for her own way as he was for his would have been a rather sordid affair. I’m not saying that I don’t pursue my own goals and go about convincing him of them but that’s usually done in a covert way. The times when I’ve shouted and been contrary didn’t really resolve differences or get me where I wanted to go, and I got smarter than that. In any case, I’ve learned to ‘let go’ and when I did, I found him more willing to take my desires and needs into consideration such that what we want is much more closely aligned.

Living as I do in an area of the city where many people are ambitious for increased wealth and put a great deal of focus on achieving that goal and then spending the money they make, I have often wondered where the ‘real’ people are. I have often said to my husband since we moved here,

“But, where are the radicals? Where are the people who think differently? Where are the people who can turn on my frontal lobes?”

I’m looking for people who think outside the box; who can teach me something; make me think. I want to be ‘turned on’ not just in my body but in my brain.

So, this morning’s conversation with the girls after exercise class was a treat. Mary, who I don’t see often told us of her belief that life doesn’t end at death; rather, we have many lives and the people whom she loves who have died often come to visit her. In my experience, when one person opens up so do others, and another woman explained that she was going through a very hard time but that she didn’t feel alone because her deceased parents came to visit often at the moment.

The two woman needed to be heard and I simply listened but I could have added my own story that when I went through a very hard time myself I often wrapped my arms around my body and had the strongest feeling that they were the arms of my father. It gave me a great deal of strength.

As well as having a strong desire to submit, I have a strong desire to be with people who can fire my synapses. I want to be challenged in various ways and that is most likely to happen with people who can give of themselves; their brains, their experiences, their perspectives on life.

As a group we talked of the richness of our lives – none of us had missed a meal, gone without shoes or education. And, we also talked of the strong desire to give back – to give of ourselves in some way. Naturally, I can’t speak to them of this blog, but it reminded me of all that I get back from the blog – a sense of sharing my ‘self’ with you.

Sometimes, it can feel to me that there is an anomaly. I want very much to express my submissive nature and I want very much to feel the stimulus of great intellectual conversation and thoughts. Of course, there is no conflict between these two desires. Being with my husband, for example, allows me to fulfil both goals and sometimes allows me to empty my thinking brain as well – something that brings me a rush of joy and euphoria.

A submissive woman is complex. (Duh!) She needs to think and to be an active member of society. Yet, she needs to express her submissive nature and have her man dominate not just her but his landscape, as he is want to do. She needs to have available to her complex and intellectual thought but also to have her world sometimes narrowed down to the most confined and simple space. Is it any wonder we sometimes confuse ourselves with what we want and how we want our men to behave?

I certainly don’t have all the answers but I can say that in the D/s arena, I have never felt more turned on emotionally or physically. It may be complicated but it works for me.