Toys

I've been reading different material lately. I am interested in reading about different mindsets. Basically, I want to learn. Some days a sentence will capture my attention, as it did this morning.  Mistress Breeze said "he needs to understand that he's property and I own him, but he doesn't own me".  Mistress Breeze is a woman who is prepared, like me, to put her thinking out there on the Internet for other people to read and she's bravely going about analyzing herself at times; trying to figure out the best relationship for her; trying to figure out how she might take responsibility for a man, a slave, and not lose herself in the process; what she wants. What sprang to mind when I read this sentence was the ending of 'The Story of O'. Remember, she burned her cigarette into his hand?

I've also been reading a blog quite voraciously this past week. Train her well has a great deal of information to impart about training a person to accept his or her nature as a slave. I'm sure it says something about me that I love reading there. I'm not sure exactly what it says about me. However, I do know that as one is trained to embrace one's rather true (read: slutty) nature, the words on those pages resonate more and more.

Put it this way. I'm aware that a few years ago the notion of obedience, pure and simple, was not a concept that I could embrace for me personally. I think that was because, for me, (and I always put that restriction on what I say because I have no idea what works for other people) it simply was not the right time. In the vast majority of cases where a person is having trouble doing what they would like to do (aka obeying) it is because the chemistry between the two people isn't completely right. It isn't necessarily an issue of love but rather some unquantifiable 'chemistry', I think.

Honestly, I think that people who are willing to wait and who have the patience to train over protracted periods of time are very rare. I also think that you can meet many suitable people but if the instincts are telling you not to engage fully, then it's all over. You need both someone with whom you feel safe, cared for, in whom you trust and whose sensibilities suit you. Sensibilities can't be underestimated.  You can't get over these things by trying harder. It has to be a 'fit' of the two people and that's all there is to that. For example, (and I know this sounds very Seinfeld of me) if you are into a very clean and neat look and he's not, there's little you can do about the mismatch. Forever more, your brain will process this as a problem.

Then, when the fit is right, the patience on the part of the person training has to be enduring; the craft of molding a person has to be present. It takes a lot of work and careful thought and planning. It has to be fun for him or her doing the molding, too. If it's not fun at least a good percentage of the time, it won't work.

Now, of course the relationship between two people works best when their needs and wants are aligned. I've discovered over time that needs and wants can become so entangled that it is almost impossible to say where one ends and one begins. Do I want something because I want it or do I want something because the other wants it? Do I need to have something happen or do I need it to happen because the other wants it to happen? The question loses it importance when two people are so in tune that there is so definitive answer. In the end, you both want the same thing. It's fusion, really.

I think it can work a bit like this. He says that she should do x. She's not sure. He rallies her and cajoles her. She desperately wants to please and in the end she embraces the new challenge. But, it's hard, as it is meant and designed to be. She spends a little time in reverse gear. She tries, but it's hard.  She's quite flummoxed and tells him so. He assures her that he has full confidence in her. Basically, if he says that she can do it, then she should have full confidence in herself. She. can. do. it. She accepts her fate. There is no way out and even though it is hard, she must proceed. Now comes the acceptance. It's still hard but her mind has switched into another gear. She wants this. Does she want it because he wants it for her. Did she want it all along and was too afraid to say? Who cares!! The synergy is there. The obedience is in place. She's his toy and that works awfully well for both of them.

Within this sort of arrangement and mindset there is a hint of the owned and the owner. It takes time to get there. It takes a lot of carefully planned work, resolve, perseverance and enormous consistency. There isn't much place for anger or impulsiveness. It's dogged determination to do work that reaches certain goals. At least, that's the way I see it. First comes some sort of instinctual synergy about the person you are teaming up with and then comes the sort of hard work/fun that unites two people to make a team; that encourages, demands and ensures complete trust. Deep within my mind is the desire for toyhood. There's no doubt about that for me any more.

Knowing one's place

When I have more control than I want it's an unpleasant feeling. I like my husband to direct me and failing that I need him to make it clear who is, in fact, in charge. On Sunday morning he made an advance towards me and I expressed, in the mildest of ways, but enough to upset him, that I wasn't interested. He's not used to that sort of thing and later in the car he made it clear that he wasn't impressed.

The fact that he made it clear he wasn't impressed was good. I can tap into what is going on inside me very quickly and easily now and I felt pleased that he dressed me down. It would not have been good if he had let it slide. I felt some guilt and some displeasure with myself. Most of all, I felt more in my place and thus more content.

At the party, I slided over to him and kissed him on the lips. "You're fickle," he said, not entirely sure, I think, as to why I felt better when all he had done is dress me down. I am not entirely sure that he understands what makes me tick. He dresses me down because that is what comes to him naturally to do. I think. I doubt he does it because he thinks it would do me good. However, it does do me good.

This is what it is so important to remember: that if you are a certain type of woman, like me, you honestly do need to know your place. I know some people will misinterpret that statement. I know some women are not treated at all well. I don't mean that sort of 'knowing your place' - some sort of 'put down'; disrespect. I mean, that when one wants to belong, to have an owner, to feel owned, to be cherished and debased at one and the same time, then one simply must know one's place. To act in any other way with one's owner/husband/boyfriend/etc. is to feel terribly out of sync. There's a natural order to things if I am to feel authentically me.

Obedience

When I want to soothe myself or to radiate in a state of deep ease of thought I imagine myself in the owned state. My thoughts don't pass through my brain but instead I am so wired into the connection with an owner that I simply respond to his words immediately, without thought. It's this state of mind that permeates my mind when it is at deep rest, no matter what variations the moment calls for.

He might want me to train daily, or even three times a day to take a particularly large anal toy; a toy that, if I were to allow my thought processes to take over, might frighten and intimidate me. But, I'm secure in the fact that everything he has me do is right for me, is well thought out by him, and hence I don't need to give it any thought of my own.

Writing right now, with this thought deeply embedded in my psyche and in my soul I am in a state of deep peace. I feel happy. I am not effervescently happy. Rather, it is the sort of happiness when one gets deep in touch with one's own nature. The world stops. There is silence. Bliss.

Right now the word 'obedience' makes me happy. In my marriage, there are no commands. There is no opportunity to obey at this time. I understand that I am on my own in this way at this time. Yet, in my own way I can obey myself and even this is something.


I am calm. I am quiet. I am thinking gentle thoughts.

I say this many times a day to myself and feel that even though I have commanded this of myself, my obedience to this way of life is a something. My nature is not fully expressed but I do understand my nature. I recognize the loss but I am not allowing it to swamp me. On the contrary my spirits have risen. I know exactly why. To obey, to trust. That is everything to me.

More challenge

Having been 'offered' a new challenge lately and finding it extremely difficult I was searching around the Internet for inspiration when I found myself wondering if I might have written about challenge before. Indeed I had written about challenge before. I read the words and everything I felt but was finding hard to process and express were in that post. Hmmm. I'm not as dumdum as I thought.

Sexual activity

I was never going to be the type of woman who would have multiple sexual partners. I don't say that for some moralistic reason.  I recognize and accept that some people do have sex with a lot of people in their lives. I find nothing intrinsically wrong with that.

The understanding of the importance of sex in my life evolved over time. Conscious of the fact that my mind gravitated to the erotic from a very early age it took a long time for me to really understand that my nature is that of a deeply sexual being; a being that longs to let go in the arms of a wanting and willing dominant. I knew what worked for me and what did not work for me early on in the process but the acceptance of my deeply desired object state took a great many years.

Once I accepted my nature and my deep and permanent desire to reside in the object state routinely, repetitively and robustly, my time in the object state was experienced as joy; respite; relief; completion. I longed for the experience time and time again.

When the opportunity for these experiences fundamentally closed down, my mind eventually considered the option of experiencing the object state in some other way. The great difficulty with that thought was that it is very difficult for me to think of sex as being a casual thing; something instigated without a very deep connection; permanence.

It's an interesting notion that a bimbo (who is often thought of as someone who sleeps around) like me requires a certain type of sex in a certain type of way; not at all a 'free for all', but a woman who seeks an object state with a man who has deep feelings for her and who will do all in his power to protect her and complete her, both physically and psychologically.

I may fantasize about gang bangs over and over; simply radiate in the thought of a line of men who 'use' me for their pleasure, and mine. In reality, I require a very deep and abiding connection, looking only to have a man call me his own; looking to belong and to serve; to belong to one another in the deepest way possible. Such is my dilemma.

Perfection

In my experience, submitting is a 'black and white' experience. The sort of dominance that has worked for me is strict and uncompromising. If it is true that a power exchange relationship is what you do with the relationship you have, then it is only going to work with the right personalities that join as a team or partnership. It seems to me that the union of the two people is the crucial thing and in my case I have responded to the sort of dominance that takes no prisoners; that demands and expects my compliance to the rules set.

Knowing that there is no grey area I eventually accepted the rules as they were laid down. I adapted and I thrived under that sort of governance. I saw the point. I recognized the value and the good. I submitted but more than submitting, I embraced the plan. Under this sort of regime, where I comply and accept, all is so very well and good. Praise and admiration flows and the sense of connection is very strong. Happiness on both sides abounds.

But, (and there had to be a but) the day does dawn when things go slightly awry. Comfortable in my space and place, for no good reason a day is taxing; demanding; overwhelming. Comments ensue. It becomes apparent (and I feel so stupid for not recognizing how transparent it all was) that I didn't do what I am meant to do and that's why the day was doomed.

Sarcasm is the province of the dominant and I never mistake the tone, the intent or the state of mind. There's no sympathy or empathy for this submissive when she jumps on top of the rule book. Rather, left to her own devices, he knows she'll get herself back on track; remember her place; remember what works; remember how this all works.

I don't fight the 'inequality' or lack of 'fairness' now. I recognized immediately where I went wrong and that my (submissive) life wasn't about expecting understanding of a breach. A breach is a breach. How could I possibly forget this? The expectations are high but it works for me this way. I'm challenged but I greatly appreciate the challenge. The delicate and finely woven relationship requires perfection and there is something in my makeup that responds to that; that makes it the perfect arrangement for me.

Hope springs

Some of my friends have begun to move out of 'the family home' into town houses and apartments. Some of them are doing this because the children have moved out and some of them are doing that because their financial or marital status has altered. The 50s, it seems to me, judging from what I see happening about me, is a time of re-assessment of one's life and where one plans to go from here.

Yesterday, I saw a girlfriend's new 'townhouse'. It's ultra modern, with massive light but very little view; the sort of dwelling where there are lots of windows where you see the sky, but little else. In my city there is a huge amount of building going on and most of it in the inner suburbs is very smart apartment buildings. Overlooking issues have become the new norm and if one can't rectify these issues with planting as one does with houses (think: Chris and Marie's 'Neighbors Be Gone plants') then the emphasis becomes on capturing the light.

I tried to imagine my husband and I in such a set up and knew immediately that it wouldn't suit either of us. I wondered where this couple had put all their 'things' and when I came home, to the house I have shared with my husband, four children and two dogs, it started to dawn on me that I don't have as many 'things' as I had thought. I only really go upstairs to clean and to gather or deliver clothing. The entire upstairs area is devoted to my boys. My younger son, being a media/artistic type has three work stations up there all devoted to his passion and my other son, being an IT nerd keeps his IT apparatus up there in his room as well.

Downstairs, I suddenly realized that the three wicker baskets of sporting apparatus didn't belong to me or my husband, either. And, the game console next to the television wasn't mine. In fact, when push came to shove, and if my husband was prepared to let go of his treasures (think: tools, bits of wood, and crap) in the garage and go through his mountain of files and 'goodnessknowswhat' in his study, we could fit into that town house perfectly well, too.

For reasons completely unknown to us, biological reasons over which we have no control, my husband and I are both nurturers. I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't make sense of my life in any other way back then when those decisions needed to be made and I remain eternally grateful that I was given that opportunity. It did complete me as a woman.

My husband also wanted a family and he has always taken his responsibilities to us very seriously. Christmases tend to be a bit extravagant in our family because I go off and buy the gifts only to discover that my husband has also been out buying gifts. At the end of the day, we shower them with love in any number of ways and they have repaid us in spades, being remarkably loving and enjoyable people to be around.

I don't think our future lies in one of those swanky apartments. It's quite impossible to imagine grandchildren in such a set-up and it's just not us to say, "Well, it's just us now". The boys will move out in their own good time and perhaps we'll move out of here one day into a smaller place, but to a place that enables someone to stay if they want/need and a place that welcomes the grandchildren.

I think you do have to embrace change. We're a bit slower than others because we've had this big family spread out over many years and in any case, we'd have to renovate before we sell. One day, it will be right, I suppose, to think about the next step for us and to move on someplace else. But, what will always hold us back is this sense that we are still young and that we have plenty of time. There is this continuity throughout our lives; that we are just still navigating our way through life together and in no way should be thinking about winding down. I'm not saying the time won't come. It's just that I can't envisage it as yet.

As I think about the way my husband views me and I view him it would be accurate to say that what we see when we look at one another is the same person we met well over three decades ago. There's the odd stray grey hair and wrinkles around our eyes now, but in our minds we are forever young.

These days, we both stumble around trying to remember this or that. He catches me out not processing the name of something. "What is the cafe called?" he'll ask. "Give me the first letter," I'll plead. "It starts with E," he'll say. It bugs me that I can't get it and he'll make a big deal about it; that a cut of the cane would help my memory (and it does). And, I constantly have to find his keys for him or figure out where he put his glasses. Through it all, we endure with grace and love.

There have been some very hard times. As the therapist says in 'Hope Springs' "every marriage has terrible years" and we've had our share of rough times. We've made it through those rough times. Spring has sprung here and so too has my sense of well-being. I feel sure now that we'll be perfectly all right.