Some of my friends have begun to move out of 'the family home' into town houses and apartments. Some of them are doing this because the children have moved out and some of them are doing that because their financial or marital status has altered. The 50s, it seems to me, judging from what I see happening about me, is a time of re-assessment of one's life and where one plans to go from here.
Yesterday, I saw a girlfriend's new 'townhouse'. It's ultra modern, with massive light but very little view; the sort of dwelling where there are lots of windows where you see the sky, but little else. In my city there is a huge amount of building going on and most of it in the inner suburbs is very smart apartment buildings. Overlooking issues have become the new norm and if one can't rectify these issues with planting as one does with houses (think: Chris and Marie's 'Neighbors Be Gone plants') then the emphasis becomes on capturing the light.
I tried to imagine my husband and I in such a set up and knew immediately that it wouldn't suit either of us. I wondered where this couple had put all their 'things' and when I came home, to the house I have shared with my husband, four children and two dogs, it started to dawn on me that I don't have as many 'things' as I had thought. I only really go upstairs to clean and to gather or deliver clothing. The entire upstairs area is devoted to my boys. My younger son, being a media/artistic type has three work stations up there all devoted to his passion and my other son, being an IT nerd keeps his IT apparatus up there in his room as well.
Downstairs, I suddenly realized that the three wicker baskets of sporting apparatus didn't belong to me or my husband, either. And, the game console next to the television wasn't mine. In fact, when push came to shove, and if my husband was prepared to let go of his treasures (think: tools, bits of wood, and crap) in the garage and go through his mountain of files and 'goodnessknowswhat' in his study, we could fit into that town house perfectly well, too.
For reasons completely unknown to us, biological reasons over which we have no control, my husband and I are both nurturers. I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't make sense of my life in any other way back then when those decisions needed to be made and I remain eternally grateful that I was given that opportunity. It did complete me as a woman.
My husband also wanted a family and he has always taken his responsibilities to us very seriously. Christmases tend to be a bit extravagant in our family because I go off and buy the gifts only to discover that my husband has also been out buying gifts. At the end of the day, we shower them with love in any number of ways and they have repaid us in spades, being remarkably loving and enjoyable people to be around.
I don't think our future lies in one of those swanky apartments. It's quite impossible to imagine grandchildren in such a set-up and it's just not us to say, "Well, it's just us now". The boys will move out in their own good time and perhaps we'll move out of here one day into a smaller place, but to a place that enables someone to stay if they want/need and a place that welcomes the grandchildren.
I think you do have to embrace change. We're a bit slower than others because we've had this big family spread out over many years and in any case, we'd have to renovate before we sell. One day, it will be right, I suppose, to think about the next step for us and to move on someplace else. But, what will always hold us back is this sense that we are still young and that we have plenty of time. There is this continuity throughout our lives; that we are just still navigating our way through life together and in no way should be thinking about winding down. I'm not saying the time won't come. It's just that I can't envisage it as yet.
As I think about the way my husband views me and I view him it would be accurate to say that what we see when we look at one another is the same person we met well over three decades ago. There's the odd stray grey hair and wrinkles around our eyes now, but in our minds we are forever young.
These days, we both stumble around trying to remember this or that. He catches me out not processing the name of something. "What is the cafe called?" he'll ask. "Give me the first letter," I'll plead. "It starts with E," he'll say. It bugs me that I can't get it and he'll make a big deal about it; that a cut of the cane would help my memory (and it does). And, I constantly have to find his keys for him or figure out where he put his glasses. Through it all, we endure with grace and love.
There have been some very hard times. As the therapist says in 'Hope Springs' "every marriage has terrible years" and we've had our share of rough times. We've made it through those rough times. Spring has sprung here and so too has my sense of well-being. I feel sure now that we'll be perfectly all right.
Yesterday, I saw a girlfriend's new 'townhouse'. It's ultra modern, with massive light but very little view; the sort of dwelling where there are lots of windows where you see the sky, but little else. In my city there is a huge amount of building going on and most of it in the inner suburbs is very smart apartment buildings. Overlooking issues have become the new norm and if one can't rectify these issues with planting as one does with houses (think: Chris and Marie's 'Neighbors Be Gone plants') then the emphasis becomes on capturing the light.
I tried to imagine my husband and I in such a set up and knew immediately that it wouldn't suit either of us. I wondered where this couple had put all their 'things' and when I came home, to the house I have shared with my husband, four children and two dogs, it started to dawn on me that I don't have as many 'things' as I had thought. I only really go upstairs to clean and to gather or deliver clothing. The entire upstairs area is devoted to my boys. My younger son, being a media/artistic type has three work stations up there all devoted to his passion and my other son, being an IT nerd keeps his IT apparatus up there in his room as well.
Downstairs, I suddenly realized that the three wicker baskets of sporting apparatus didn't belong to me or my husband, either. And, the game console next to the television wasn't mine. In fact, when push came to shove, and if my husband was prepared to let go of his treasures (think: tools, bits of wood, and crap) in the garage and go through his mountain of files and 'goodnessknowswhat' in his study, we could fit into that town house perfectly well, too.
For reasons completely unknown to us, biological reasons over which we have no control, my husband and I are both nurturers. I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't make sense of my life in any other way back then when those decisions needed to be made and I remain eternally grateful that I was given that opportunity. It did complete me as a woman.
My husband also wanted a family and he has always taken his responsibilities to us very seriously. Christmases tend to be a bit extravagant in our family because I go off and buy the gifts only to discover that my husband has also been out buying gifts. At the end of the day, we shower them with love in any number of ways and they have repaid us in spades, being remarkably loving and enjoyable people to be around.
I don't think our future lies in one of those swanky apartments. It's quite impossible to imagine grandchildren in such a set-up and it's just not us to say, "Well, it's just us now". The boys will move out in their own good time and perhaps we'll move out of here one day into a smaller place, but to a place that enables someone to stay if they want/need and a place that welcomes the grandchildren.
I think you do have to embrace change. We're a bit slower than others because we've had this big family spread out over many years and in any case, we'd have to renovate before we sell. One day, it will be right, I suppose, to think about the next step for us and to move on someplace else. But, what will always hold us back is this sense that we are still young and that we have plenty of time. There is this continuity throughout our lives; that we are just still navigating our way through life together and in no way should be thinking about winding down. I'm not saying the time won't come. It's just that I can't envisage it as yet.
As I think about the way my husband views me and I view him it would be accurate to say that what we see when we look at one another is the same person we met well over three decades ago. There's the odd stray grey hair and wrinkles around our eyes now, but in our minds we are forever young.
These days, we both stumble around trying to remember this or that. He catches me out not processing the name of something. "What is the cafe called?" he'll ask. "Give me the first letter," I'll plead. "It starts with E," he'll say. It bugs me that I can't get it and he'll make a big deal about it; that a cut of the cane would help my memory (and it does). And, I constantly have to find his keys for him or figure out where he put his glasses. Through it all, we endure with grace and love.
There have been some very hard times. As the therapist says in 'Hope Springs' "every marriage has terrible years" and we've had our share of rough times. We've made it through those rough times. Spring has sprung here and so too has my sense of well-being. I feel sure now that we'll be perfectly all right.
Oh vesta this was just lovely to read. It resonated so well with mouse, many of our friends are doing just this....
ReplyDeleteOf course Babygirl is just a baby still -- but cant imagine us giving up our home for a small condo or town-house. Also can't imagine we will have another 17 years before we can even begin to think about it.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: It doesn't pay to leap forward in time. You've got 17 exciting years ahead bringing up Babygirl to look forward to. It's interesting, though, to look about at the new trends, whether they be accommodation styles, modes of transport, the return of the bicycle or the effects of the Internet and what that does to writing and reading styles. Change abounds and it's happening at a very fast rate.
ReplyDelete