Feeling inconvenient

 I have been reading Gretchen Rubin's blog recently, the blogger famous for her 'Happiness Project' and I took note when she wrote that often she does something just for herself, just to please herself. If her husband happens not to note something she has done (for example, lose some weight) she tells herself that it doesn't matter too much because she can do some things for herself, to please herself.

I've been thinking about this concept and trying to apply it to my day too. Even if my efforts are sometimes not noticed, or at least not acknowledged, I remind myself that I did that thing not to just be pleasing but because I wanted to do it as well.

I've been applying this thought to being supervised in my goals. I asked for help in losing weight, which in some respects takes the onus off me and onto the person supervising me. I must say I have found it invaluable to be supervised and I don't think I could have make the changes I have been making without this supervision. There were just too many loopholes in my thinking.

But, does this come at a price to him? This is what I have been wondering. No-one feels dominant or likes dominating all of the time and especially in the run-up to Christmas when there are so many get-togethers and so much work to be done before the end of the year. Wouldn't it be a drag for him to be given one more responsibility, to have any aberrance on my part needing to be dealt with as well as all his other responsibilities?

I've been very fortunate to have a good number of get togethers with friends during this holiday season and temptation is often put in my way. On the whole, my friends don't order dessert so I'm lucky there to not feel left out, but there are occasions when we might order one dessert amongst us (well, I don't order it but someone else does) and it might be divided up amongst the four of us, or it might be divided up amongst the seven of us, like the piece of lemon tart that sat in front of my birthday celebrating friend, who happened to be sitting next to me at lunch yesterday.

If I had had no sweets this week, or even one sweet, I could have safely had a bite of the lemon tart, but unhappily, I had already eaten the two points of my weekly sweets allowance. Normally, I could leave it. It's a touch of fear and potential guilt that keeps me honest usually, but my defences were down yesterday. I was tired (all that girlie talking can exhaust me) and I had half a glass of champagne and a full glass of wine over lunch which makes me all the more tired and wanting a bit of sugar to wake me up. I picked up a spoon and scooped out a small piece of the tart and put it in my mouth to have with the black coffee. Yum!

Later, when I went to write up my daily food journal I really laboured over whether to report the sin. Perhaps I should take responsibility for the aberrant behaviour myself and not bother him with it? Did he really need the headache of having to deal with me amongst all the other things he needed to do at this time? In the end, honesty prevailed. I think my overwhelming and overarching thought was that this wasn't my decision to make; just report it like it was and let him decide.

As a woman with a submissive personality I remain aware that a dominant person can't possibly always desire to dominate; that he must get sick of the role at times; that he must wish that she simply did as told; left him free to deal with other matters. How much room has any one person got in their lives to take responsibility for another person's behaviour on top of their own?

I admit there is no feeling that I deplore more than that I might be an inconvenience to someone. David and I both shared this feeling to some extent, that horrible thought that we might be inconvenient to someone else. He started it one day when he said 'I'll go sit over in the corner and wait in the dark' and we often repeated the joke when we shared this feeling that we both sometimes had, that we were being a bit of a burden to someone else, or that we felt a little forgotten. (We were all too aware too that like a good Jewish mother, as the theory goes, we were making note of our feelings out loud!)

One of the difficulties with a long distance relationship of any kind is that one is tempted to predict how the other is feeling, whether he might need a rest from the dominance. These thoughts spring to mind from time to time as one assesses how things are going. I do realize that these concerns do spring forth from this fear of being an inconvenience and as a submissive this thought can be quite disquieting. Or, perhaps it is another case of assumptions making an 'ass out of you and me'.

Perfection

In my experience, submitting is a 'black and white' experience. The sort of dominance that has worked for me is strict and uncompromising. If it is true that a power exchange relationship is what you do with the relationship you have, then it is only going to work with the right personalities that join as a team or partnership. It seems to me that the union of the two people is the crucial thing and in my case I have responded to the sort of dominance that takes no prisoners; that demands and expects my compliance to the rules set.

Knowing that there is no grey area I eventually accepted the rules as they were laid down. I adapted and I thrived under that sort of governance. I saw the point. I recognized the value and the good. I submitted but more than submitting, I embraced the plan. Under this sort of regime, where I comply and accept, all is so very well and good. Praise and admiration flows and the sense of connection is very strong. Happiness on both sides abounds.

But, (and there had to be a but) the day does dawn when things go slightly awry. Comfortable in my space and place, for no good reason a day is taxing; demanding; overwhelming. Comments ensue. It becomes apparent (and I feel so stupid for not recognizing how transparent it all was) that I didn't do what I am meant to do and that's why the day was doomed.

Sarcasm is the province of the dominant and I never mistake the tone, the intent or the state of mind. There's no sympathy or empathy for this submissive when she jumps on top of the rule book. Rather, left to her own devices, he knows she'll get herself back on track; remember her place; remember what works; remember how this all works.

I don't fight the 'inequality' or lack of 'fairness' now. I recognized immediately where I went wrong and that my (submissive) life wasn't about expecting understanding of a breach. A breach is a breach. How could I possibly forget this? The expectations are high but it works for me this way. I'm challenged but I greatly appreciate the challenge. The delicate and finely woven relationship requires perfection and there is something in my makeup that responds to that; that makes it the perfect arrangement for me.