In my experience, submitting is a 'black and white' experience. The sort of dominance that has worked for me is strict and uncompromising. If it is true that a power exchange relationship is what you do with the relationship you have, then it is only going to work with the right personalities that join as a team or partnership. It seems to me that the union of the two people is the crucial thing and in my case I have responded to the sort of dominance that takes no prisoners; that demands and expects my compliance to the rules set.
Knowing that there is no grey area I eventually accepted the rules as they were laid down. I adapted and I thrived under that sort of governance. I saw the point. I recognized the value and the good. I submitted but more than submitting, I embraced the plan. Under this sort of regime, where I comply and accept, all is so very well and good. Praise and admiration flows and the sense of connection is very strong. Happiness on both sides abounds.
But, (and there had to be a but) the day does dawn when things go slightly awry. Comfortable in my space and place, for no good reason a day is taxing; demanding; overwhelming. Comments ensue. It becomes apparent (and I feel so stupid for not recognizing how transparent it all was) that I didn't do what I am meant to do and that's why the day was doomed.
Sarcasm is the province of the dominant and I never mistake the tone, the intent or the state of mind. There's no sympathy or empathy for this submissive when she jumps on top of the rule book. Rather, left to her own devices, he knows she'll get herself back on track; remember her place; remember what works; remember how this all works.
I don't fight the 'inequality' or lack of 'fairness' now. I recognized immediately where I went wrong and that my (submissive) life wasn't about expecting understanding of a breach. A breach is a breach. How could I possibly forget this? The expectations are high but it works for me this way. I'm challenged but I greatly appreciate the challenge. The delicate and finely woven relationship requires perfection and there is something in my makeup that responds to that; that makes it the perfect arrangement for me.
Knowing that there is no grey area I eventually accepted the rules as they were laid down. I adapted and I thrived under that sort of governance. I saw the point. I recognized the value and the good. I submitted but more than submitting, I embraced the plan. Under this sort of regime, where I comply and accept, all is so very well and good. Praise and admiration flows and the sense of connection is very strong. Happiness on both sides abounds.
But, (and there had to be a but) the day does dawn when things go slightly awry. Comfortable in my space and place, for no good reason a day is taxing; demanding; overwhelming. Comments ensue. It becomes apparent (and I feel so stupid for not recognizing how transparent it all was) that I didn't do what I am meant to do and that's why the day was doomed.
Sarcasm is the province of the dominant and I never mistake the tone, the intent or the state of mind. There's no sympathy or empathy for this submissive when she jumps on top of the rule book. Rather, left to her own devices, he knows she'll get herself back on track; remember her place; remember what works; remember how this all works.
I don't fight the 'inequality' or lack of 'fairness' now. I recognized immediately where I went wrong and that my (submissive) life wasn't about expecting understanding of a breach. A breach is a breach. How could I possibly forget this? The expectations are high but it works for me this way. I'm challenged but I greatly appreciate the challenge. The delicate and finely woven relationship requires perfection and there is something in my makeup that responds to that; that makes it the perfect arrangement for me.
Submission is a challenge - even on our best days - its inevitable that we have a bad day now and then. I think the trick is to get back on track - however we can manage it, either of our own accord or with help of our dominant. Like you say - a breach is a breach and whatever works for you is perfect for you :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this post a lot Vesta - thank you for sharing.
kiwigirl: I like that you said "whatever works for you is perfect for you" because that's life really, isn't it? If we are happy doing what we do - bricklayer, baker, doctor, writer - then that's entirely perfect.
ReplyDeleteI need to add that often submission is not a challenge for me. Submission is a respite from the demands of daily life and I often radiate in that sort of situation. But, of course, I understand that you meant submission on a day-by-day basis whereas my comment here relates to my time as 'the doll/bimbo' where the expectations are particularly rigid. I added 'the doll' tag to avoid confusion. Its always lovely to have your thoughts. Best wishes.
Vesta, i struggle with submission, I wish I could find it a respite as you do. I think in order to do that you have to have a really good Dom, one you truly trust and have utter faith in. I struggle with this with my Sir. Its not that I dont love him utterly, or trust him in our relationship . I find trusting him in our D/s relationship really hard. I so want to "radiate" in submission as you have just described it. I am striving for it, but he lets me down so often its become really difficult.
ReplyDeleteTo radiate in submission sounds so sublime :)
kiwigirl: I completely agree with that. In my experience, although there is room for error (no-one is safe from that) the dominant/top has to believe in the process and to want something for himself from the process. If he doesn't get something from it, some need that is fulfilled, then he will lose interest. It is all too easy to get absorbed with life and let it all go and that happens when the dominant/top isn't really invested in it in some way. This happens at times of high anxiety usually, making the lack of commitment all the more distressing.
ReplyDeleteSince I've experienced this sort of thing I've had to make some sort of decision as to how much I let it affect me. I decided this:
1. To stay busy and involved in my own pursuits. It's been a time of personal growth in many ways because I needed to make a commitment to myself to function on my own basically. There have been great advantages - new friends, new challenges and new interests that engage me. Don't wait for those opportunities to come to you. Decide what you would like to do and go and pursue it.
2. Remain respectful, kind, co-operative. Read up on what makes a good relationship as well as communications skills and put them to use. This means that when he sees how much effort you are putting into the relationship and that you care about him, he's in a much better place to feel that he can competently provide you with the guidance and support you seek.
3. Think about dominance not so much as a minute by minute thing. In other words, don't expect him to punish/correct you and get upset when something happens and he does not. Rather, think about it as a gift he might be willing to give you on occasion. Men who are not really truly interested in dominance are sometimes willing to give a submissive a scene. So, look up some material on 'how to give a spanking to subspace' and show it to him. It's my feeling that a scene like this will lead to a strong sense of challenge and fulfillment for you both. If he thinks of his requirements as, say, once a month, he may be much able to cope with upholding his end of the bargain.
I truly think you have to break the cycle of angst and be realistic about to whom you are married. Remember, 'being nice' will take you a long way. Fighting makes a submissive feel really lost. I have recently read 'Walking on Eggshells' and setting limits has been my focus lately. The thing is that both dominant and submissive need to be 'trained' to communicate well. There is no place, in my opinion, for a dominant to, say, shout. So, learning about limits and how to achieve instigating them is simply good practice. Think about creating a better relationship and you may find it much easier to instigate a D/s relationship. I highly recommend the book, only $7 or so from The Book Depository. It may not necessarily be completely relevant to your situation but the material therein is very good for guidance as to how to set limits and how to communicate effectively. xx