I enjoyed very much reading Haron's excellent post about guilty feelings with regard to embracing one's kinky nature. Long ago I stopped feeling guilty about my kink but I well remember such feelings of guilt. I remember wondering if I should perhaps just return to the way I was; not entirely satisfied with life but at least not having to deal with the guilt. Happily, I pursued understanding myself for all that I am and am delighted to say that guilt about being perverted no longer exists.
It is rather marvellous I must say to read Haron's post having met her so recently and discovering what a delightful and sincere person that she is. Both Haron and Abel surround themselves with the loveliest of people with a similar kink and this morning I found myself thinking that for me, they both represent 'the light'.
The previous statement may make some people reading this giggle for both Haron and Abel can be found role playing most intense (and hot) scenes. If you were to play with them you might find yourself in a old fashioned and sinister reformatory at the turn of the century, punished for the slightest act of disobedience. But, when the scene is over, you may also find yourself down at the pub laughing and enjoying the memories of a great time had by all. I am drawn to that kind of light which is partially an explanation of why I so enjoy their company. There are a lot of laughs to be had and I do so enjoy to laugh!
Yet, the truth is that is my exploration of BDSM in the past couple of years has led me to an exploration of the 'dark side'. I had one of the most amazing nights of my life last night. I had a dream that explored that dark side with a great deal of intensity and clarity. I can't go into it yet. It is too recent to talk about but I distinctly remember my shallow breathing as I held my husband incredibly close.
I remember thinking of him as my light; as my beacon of light in a night of much darkness. I needed much more than for him to hold me tight and protect me from the dark forces. I explored his body with my hands. I kissed him passionately and in his stupor he returned the kiss, took off my pristine new white cotton nightgown from London and fucked me until I begged him to stop. In my heart I knew the dark forces were still out there, but I had been comforted by the light; by the man who was always my beacon of light - a force of good.
I now know exactly why I stray over to the dark side. I am confronted by my own nature to explore that which is the opposite to the light. The clarity of thought in my dream state was illuminating. My mind gravitates to something most would find unacceptable. Lord knows I crave tenderness like any other woman. Yet, the exploration of darkness is a part of my psyche that has risen to the surface and I do not shy away from it.
There have been times in my life when I have needed to walk away; to walk away from situations that I considered dark; to walk back into the light. It was a preservation instinct at work; a respect for myself. I do not have a crystal ball but I wonder if I may now have the strength to embrace the darkness of a soul; to walk towards the darkness unafraid in the hope and faith that within or just beyond the darkness, there lies a special kind of light; a light that is rarely seen by the naked eye; a light that I may experience to illuminate my own state of mind and to take me to places that I somehow feel a need to see and experience.
My journey in the past few years has been built on trust. In one element of the journey there is a form of care, but there is little if anything discernible as tender in the darkness. My question to myself is if I have enough of what I need in reserve to trust that within the darkness, just a little further along the lonely tunnel, lies a special light. Millions would say I was a fool but my instincts, beyond all common sense and the fitness of things is to venture further into the dark forest with faith that what lies within is a transformational and divine light. I may come to my senses and discover that life is really quite wonderful enough living completely in the light. Part of me hopes that I do. Certainly, at the time of writing I have no answer.
It is rather marvellous I must say to read Haron's post having met her so recently and discovering what a delightful and sincere person that she is. Both Haron and Abel surround themselves with the loveliest of people with a similar kink and this morning I found myself thinking that for me, they both represent 'the light'.
The previous statement may make some people reading this giggle for both Haron and Abel can be found role playing most intense (and hot) scenes. If you were to play with them you might find yourself in a old fashioned and sinister reformatory at the turn of the century, punished for the slightest act of disobedience. But, when the scene is over, you may also find yourself down at the pub laughing and enjoying the memories of a great time had by all. I am drawn to that kind of light which is partially an explanation of why I so enjoy their company. There are a lot of laughs to be had and I do so enjoy to laugh!
Yet, the truth is that is my exploration of BDSM in the past couple of years has led me to an exploration of the 'dark side'. I had one of the most amazing nights of my life last night. I had a dream that explored that dark side with a great deal of intensity and clarity. I can't go into it yet. It is too recent to talk about but I distinctly remember my shallow breathing as I held my husband incredibly close.
I remember thinking of him as my light; as my beacon of light in a night of much darkness. I needed much more than for him to hold me tight and protect me from the dark forces. I explored his body with my hands. I kissed him passionately and in his stupor he returned the kiss, took off my pristine new white cotton nightgown from London and fucked me until I begged him to stop. In my heart I knew the dark forces were still out there, but I had been comforted by the light; by the man who was always my beacon of light - a force of good.
I now know exactly why I stray over to the dark side. I am confronted by my own nature to explore that which is the opposite to the light. The clarity of thought in my dream state was illuminating. My mind gravitates to something most would find unacceptable. Lord knows I crave tenderness like any other woman. Yet, the exploration of darkness is a part of my psyche that has risen to the surface and I do not shy away from it.
There have been times in my life when I have needed to walk away; to walk away from situations that I considered dark; to walk back into the light. It was a preservation instinct at work; a respect for myself. I do not have a crystal ball but I wonder if I may now have the strength to embrace the darkness of a soul; to walk towards the darkness unafraid in the hope and faith that within or just beyond the darkness, there lies a special kind of light; a light that is rarely seen by the naked eye; a light that I may experience to illuminate my own state of mind and to take me to places that I somehow feel a need to see and experience.
My journey in the past few years has been built on trust. In one element of the journey there is a form of care, but there is little if anything discernible as tender in the darkness. My question to myself is if I have enough of what I need in reserve to trust that within the darkness, just a little further along the lonely tunnel, lies a special light. Millions would say I was a fool but my instincts, beyond all common sense and the fitness of things is to venture further into the dark forest with faith that what lies within is a transformational and divine light. I may come to my senses and discover that life is really quite wonderful enough living completely in the light. Part of me hopes that I do. Certainly, at the time of writing I have no answer.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting post. I think I still feel guilty about my "dark side" at times.
I've pretty much always had the reputation of being a "Miss Goody Two Shoes" sort and really the description often fits. But deep down there is more, a lot more, and always has been. For most of my life this has been locked away, only a fantasy thing. For the dark side (okay probably pale grey at best) to have an actual place in my life I'm still not the most comfortable with.
Love,
Serenity
No good was ever served by not following your instincts.
ReplyDeleteYou can always follow the light back, if need be...
Serenity: There are shades of black as you say and grey is perfectly okay - whatever feels good. In this post, and here particularly I felt so restrained in what I could say and how I could say it, I was alluding to a personal revelation that I wanted to explore the dark side but that there is a pitch black darkness that does not sit right with me and that I cannot actually accept. It was an effort to explain that we all have our limits as to how far down we can go and I found my limit this week. Just find your comfort zone, my dear. There is no need to go beyond that unless you wish it.
ReplyDeleteJz: I agree. If we really listen well to our instincts they will guide us well. I followed my instincts as far into the dark forest as I possibly could go and now I think it is time to search for the light. I feel good in saying that I gave it everything I had to give.