What's my kink?

I always enjoying reading Remittance Girl’s thoughts and she left me a wonderfully thought provoking comment on my most recent post. I tried twice to leave a long comment and the publishing of that comment failed, so I figured an explanation/response in the form of a post might be in order. Remittance Girl wrote:

Hello Vesta,
I'm glad you're feeling better. I have to own up to the fact that this is not a part of D/s I can really grasp emotionally. I get it intellectually, but that's the extent of it. And I respect your choices.

Okay, now that I've said all the correct things, I'm going to get opinionated. :P

This kind of misery over the length of a set of nails seems either an over-reaction or only half the story. Yes, I know it *isn't* about the nails, but obedience, but I just think that taking it to this edge over this particular issue is odd. And that concerns me, because I know that misery is not your kink (it is mine).

Remittance Girl is completely correct in saying that misery is not my kink. I think that is perfectly clear. I have entered into BDSM experiences in the hope of reaching the sun. I love to smile, to giggle, to feel light and happy. If I can get closer to the heavens and to a peaceful, contented and fulfilled state of mind, I want to go there by whatever means will take me there.

RG mentioned the nails situation in my ‘Obedience’ post. This is a situation that took place 18 months ago but I am happy to revisit my state of mind.

What I experienced was not what I regard “misery” but certainly there was angst. I understood what I needed to do to be in compliance but I baulked when I met resistance at the nail salon. I was embarrassed because I knew that what I was asking for was “slutty” and that it would identify me as a particular kind of woman. It was revealing. I was willing to be revealed if they made it easy but they chose to question me in front of other women and I hid myself again and gave into them.

When I met the iron hand of the dominant the next time we talked, I definitely felt angst, like any person who has not done the right thing and is told that unless they do, there will be severe consequences.

I was wrestling with the fact that what I wanted to do (baulk) and what I needed to do (comply) were two different things. Uppermost in my mind was that I definitely didn’t want to fail and I had to overcome my own internal resistance to do what I found hard to do.

As dramatic as the ‘Obedience’ post must read, I felt that my determination to forge ahead with the assignment and to have my new nails cut from my nail bed and replaced with longer nails was extremely significant. I had given over any complacency, any sense of embarrassment, any sense of humiliation or free will to someone else. I had finally come to grips with what a submissive woman does when she allows herself to cede all control. I wrote the post as I did because it was a momentous day in my life and one of which I am proud. This may sound odd, but it meant a huge amount to me to experience this sort of submission: to put my faith and trust in another human being to take me to a place that I did indeed ask to go.

My kink definitely is not misery and I am not particularly fond of angst, although I understand that there will be moments of angst and even misery as I wrestle my submissive demons. If I could use one word to describe my kink it is ‘care’. I want to serve another for sure; to care for another. But, I also want to experience care. It may not always look like it, but I feel confident in saying that my challenges (what I am told to do) are a form of care and I remain extremely grateful for these experiences and opportunities. I hope the above sheds some light as to my state of mind. Thank you again RG for such a thought provoking question.