Trust

I have a tendency to be having such a lovely time in my life sometimes, loving the whole process of becoming submissive, sexy and pliable; happy, confident and sure of myself that I can forget why the dominant person is making all this happen in the first place.

In a nutshell, he likes the control and I like (and really need) to be controlled. We don't have the same rights because that is what I said I wanted; not just verbally one day on the spur of the moment but in a carefully written document that explained what I wanted to achieve; then, and now.

But, the dominant men in my life are not ogres. They can be witty and good fun and light and sometimes...well...I can forget that if you cross them, they can get really mad. And, I can forget that when I am corrected for taking back some control, I can be petulant about that before I get the point.

When in London, I ran about trying on corsets and visiting latex shops where I tried on hoods. I was having my first face to face meeting with kinky people. I was on my own. I was just having a blast!

As I relayed my experiences over the google chat with great excitement and pride of my corset purchase, it (stupidly) did not even occur to me that it was going to be too much of a problem that the one thing I had not done, was the one and only thing I had been told to do.

Silence speaks louder than words at times and so it did: sent to Coventry - again.

Did I rail against my correction? You bet I did. I was furious about it. I thought it deeply unjust. I believe I used the word cruel to describe the consequences. (Harsh is another word I may have considered and strict sadist may have been another thought I had. I considered tough love but it didn't quite have the sense I wanted to convey of my righteous indignation!)

But, the penny has finally dropped. I had been, and, oh dear, this is not easy: I had been disobedient. I had ignored the control and now I was being controlled in a way that I would find very unpleasant. It has been a devil of a week as I go through this process of correction. The girl returned in all her glory.

But here's the thing: that's no good for me any more. I want and need the containment because that's how I function best. That is when I am most happy and when the people in my life are most happy, too.

It can't be easy to train a woman like me. I didn't come down in the last shower and I have an air of confidence about me now to the point where you might say that I have come into my own. I feel a surge of confidence and self assurance that has a power about it. When I wear my corset heaven knows I may bowl someone over with my sense of power!

I think I just forgot what it is all about. I think I was having such a good time that a little act of disobedience didn't seem all that big of a thing. But, it was to him, you see, because I had forgotten who was the one in control and it was not meant to be me.

I've had my little rebellion. Mentally, I've placed a bomb under his chair! But, I get it now. I did a bad, bad thing and this correction of mine, uncomfortable and unsettling as it is, is designed such that I think more than twice before ever disobeying an instruction again.

I do want to say that this particular form of correction - ignoring - does not come without its difficulties. You can't see what is happening to the girl and the dom/top truly has no idea if the correction is working as it should or not.

I have chosen to trust that this is occuring because it is considered 'for my own good'. I have chosen to believe in him and his ways. He has never let me down before. I truly believe that this form of correction (which has gone on for a lengthy period of time) can only be applied when there is a strong connection and a deep level of trust.

In my case, I'm welcome to grow. It's fine if I even feel a sense of power. But, ignoring the dominant's orders is just not on.