The Simple Life

There is not just me - there is another person inside of me, always competing for space.Take right now as an example: I've agreed to meet a group of women in the city for what is likely to be a fun night out. I'm all dressed up and ready to go to the train shortly and I know that accepting the invitation was not only the right thing to do but an event I wanted to attend. And yet, the other side of my personality is berating me for accepting an invitation so soon after arriving home, amassed in work at home and groggy with jet lag. The other side of my personality wants to have a bath, put on her nightie, tuck down on the couch with a blanket and watch the royal wedding.

I often feel that the goal is simplicity - a state of mind that is restful; not at all restless; patient and understanding; compliant and able to accept. But, that is not all of me. Inside, I'm irked my shoddy behaviour, low standards; incompetence; neglect. I've been known to talk to myself in the shower which I think of as synonymous with a man who must punch a hanging ball. I need to expunge my inner thoughts and frustrations which are not the least suited to a woman attempting to be as close as she can to a perfect doll.

I know what I should be, how I should think and act but my independent streak; the woman who simply wants what she wants in the moment (her own way)sometimes shouts me down.

And yet, when I come up against a dominant force, regularly and decisively, the other side goes away. Little miss independence and little miss judgemental and little miss 'you can't tell me what to do!' can't begin to compete with the lure of pleasure and joy that I feel when immersed in the game; when I feel contained and restrained; when I bunker down into my submissive space. When the dominant force is abundant and strong, there are no competing interests. I'm aware of the ownership; of the limits; the containment and I send the other personality packing; wondering what I ever saw in her; that girl who has so much to say; to think; to fuss about.

When the dominant force is absent I am more complex. TruIy, I yearn for the simple life: contained, restrained, limited; joyously boxed into the tightest space. A dominant force is my life force; a simple state of mind; a simpler me.