I was the perfect baby.
I was a quiet, easy-going, contained child.
I was a good student.
I won prizes.
I arranged my own childhood. I brought myself up.
I was always busy; reading, dancing, music.
I was a little mother to my brother.
I did well at university.
I dreamed of being a mother and a wife; having my own home.
I lack confidence in my own ability,
to the point of absurdity.
I chose a man who wants his own way with everything.
I like things to be under control.
I like things to be organized.
I like a clean, minimalist house.
My children tell me I am inclined to interfere
(but that's not true).
They know I love them with ferocity.
My friends know that I am different in some way
but are sweet and kind to me anyway.
I am law abiding
and hate trouble of any kind.
I avoid conflict.
I want harmony with all relationships
And struggle to understand cruel, unkind and selfish behaviour.
I occasionally lose it and at the weirdest moments.
I am always overcome with guilt at the consequences; that I hurt someone.
I have a huge capacity for joy that can express itself in the simplest moments.
I crave success at relinquishing control,
even though every nerve in my being can resist.
I am an enigma to myself.
There must be a shrink out there reading this dribble.
Why is this so?
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That's always the question, isn't it? I can give some very facile answers for myself, but they always seem inadequate. Sure, I have ADD, which probably contributed to my being a champion underachiever, floating along with little effort on being too smart for my own good. Having a coach someone to provide structure, discipline, control, is a fairy standard way to combat the effects of ADD. It's also great when you have a (luckily mild) case of bipolar disorder.
ReplyDeleteBut I also have always had a strong anti-authoritarian streak. Explain that one!
Perhaps at some point we just have to say: "I give in. This is what I am. I don't care why. All I know is that you give me what I need, I function better on the end of your chain, and as long as I please you, I am content."
OG: Always lovely to hear from you. With ADD in my family too, I hear what you are saying. I would say that in my experience, people with ADD are particularly intuitive and particularly creative. Wonderful people!
ReplyDeleteBut, get this! I was asked to write out goals for the coming year last December and in my attempt to answer my own question, I just re-read them. And, the thing I am MAD AS HELL about right now, is the thing that I ASKED FOR.
I am *almost* sorry for my mentor at this momemt who gets to hear my *attempts* at complaining at the same time as he tries to give me what I want.
What I want is something that for me is very hard - to experience having zero control. I honestly feel that one part of my brain is tugging me this way and the other part of my brain tugging me in the opposite direction.
And, my head is about to spin off with all the turmoil going on inside.
But, like all the other times, I imagine I'll settle down to the task at hand pretty soon here and in retrospect see that I was really having a wonderful time.
Oh brother!!!
Dearest Vesta (i know OG will also appreciate this), i think that sometimes this is how you feel:
ReplyDelete"In this world of trickery, emptiness is what our heart wants."
but...
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
...can you replace the word "love" with the word "control"?
...good! Maybe you can ask your mentor for some "corner time" to think about it...
(both quotes are by Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi)
Cassie: Give me a break here!!! LOL
ReplyDeleteI am pretty contained here right now. I don't need "corner time". (some slaves...)
*giggles* sorry! As you were...LOL!
ReplyDeleteCassie: You're cute! But, I do see the point. It is indeed all about the barriers in my mind. I have to admit (even though I hate to do so, really) that coming up against an indomitable dom is kinda cool (in a masochistic way, that is).
ReplyDeleteThere can never be too much joy.
ReplyDeleteEach of us is an enigma to ourself: self-alienation is human nature --- the flipside of self-transcendence. However deep you dig, the most important parts will stay secret. It's important to be careful not to break anything while youre digging.
I feel for you Vesta, you are obviously working very hard. Please be careful, and please try not to delegate everything to yourself. Love is the only end: everything else is a means.
You are not writing dribble (or drivel)(and I am not a shrink LOL).
PL
PL: Thank you for the comment; lovely in so many ways. Yes, I would have to agree that love is the only end. Lord knows, I've said that often enough here over time.
ReplyDeleteYet, I *do* also feel the need to test myself. It drives me onward and refuses to allow me to give up. I've driven through the resistance enough times to know that there is a reward well worth waiting for. I can't deny that there is erotic value for me but also, there is something more that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe, it is that unknown quatity that pushes me forward.
I like the notion of not damaging anything whilst digging. I relate to that being a gardener.
But, more than anything else, I got a giggle out of your correction of my "dribble". I am notorious for coming up with the wrong word as I did here and perhaps one of my redeeming features is that I have not the slightest difficulty at laughing at myself.
Always lovely to hear from you.
I don't know, but you've painted a portrait of an awful lot of women I know.
ReplyDeleteI hope that one day, either you will partially solve the enigma, or you'll come to terms with the fact that, if there weren't enigmas in life, it would be a very predictable journey.
It is through the testing that we grow, I think. The idea of our limits being pushed... it's not just a question of, for example, how much pain we can take and then taking a little bit more. Its those questions of trust, I think, of giving, of yielding, of welcoming the control which in my case at least makes me feel stronger and safer.
ReplyDeleteThe reward, the unknown quality that you refer to Vesta - perhaps it is just finding ourselves. That joyous contentment, that sense of being whole as I offer control that was not demanded... a beautiful reward.
RG: I have often wondered if there is some kind of profile of us and it is interesting that the profile spoke to you. For example, the wanting things to be in control (terribly hard for me to write if the kitchen hasn't been cleaned since I sit close by there as I write) whilst wanting to give up all control. How in the hell does one explain that!?
ReplyDeleteOf course, as writers wanting to create characters we know that there must be individual variances and whilst I am like lots of other women, I take great pride in believing that there is no one *quite* like me, either.
Trying to sort out "the enigma" keeps me entertained so any day now there could be a breakthrough. Watch this space! LOL
OG: I think about that all the time: the trust factor. I had a brief conversation with my mentor earlier today that could be damaging if there were insufficient trust. It is everything and a submissive can't really express her vulnerability successfully without it, I don't think.
ReplyDeleteAh, yes: the reward. Well, everytime I am tested and don't run for the hills I feel stronger and happier and more content and fulfilled. I can be in the middle of lunges at the gym or buying carrots at the market and feel a surge of joy just thinking about it. The bottomline? I *adore* it!