Thursday, February 25, 2010

Too much thinki

Expatriates eventually come up against the ultimate question: do we stay here or take the children home? As our eldest son ventured into lacrosse and the ice hockey arena instead of the ritualistic games of our homeland such as cricket and football, the decision was becoming more crucial with every passing day.

We packed up and journeyed home. The call had gone into my husband’s old school to inform them that three places would be required and as an “old boy”, our request was duly granted at short notice.

We met with the Headmaster of the Junior School, and although there was no doubt whatsoever about the outcome, for my husband had not even considered another school for the boys, I expressed some doubt about the rigid approach spoken by this man.

We have a new Headmaster now and one of whom I wholeheartedly approve. He is a fabulous man, modern but understanding of the importance of ritual at this old, revered school. He accepts that the boy’s marks are important but doesn’t want to dwell on that fact. Rather, he talks of each boy’s journey through the school and his expectations for each one of them.

I had the great pleasure to listen to him one evening this week. Nowadays, I always carry pencil and paper with me and I felt compelled to write down what he said.

He was clear that the most important thing each boy must do was to “interact with staff”. They were a motivated, well educated team of professionals and the more they interacted, the better the outcome.

But, what really resonated with me was what he wanted to achieve. Rather than shooting for the highest marks (although essential if considering medicine or law or the like) he wanted each boy “to be able to think for themselves” and “to stand true to their own convictions”.

I applauded such a sentiment. It was inclusive, it was positive and it meant that each boy was important and each boy as he reached adulthood would be prepared to face his future with confidence. I feel particularly pleased about the outcome for my last little one as he worked his way through the senior school.

I confess it gave me pause to question myself. Had I reached adulthood satisfactorily, after all? So often lately I had listened to statements and questions such as “Is this up to cindi?” “”Better that dolls don't thinki 2 much”.

Last night I dozed off in bed with the laptop in front of me. My husband came along and asked,

“Do you want this closed?”

“Yes please.”

Yet, I could hear that he hadn’t closed it properly.

“It isn’t closed properly,” I said, half asleep.

“Don’t tell me how to suck eggs,” he admonished. “It is closed.”

I just went to sleep.

This morning, I opened the lid of the laptop to find it still functioning. The first words of the morning had been his to say sorry he was cranky but our arrangement is such that I accept that I do not think for myself. Or rather, that I think enough to think that I should not think for myself (unless he wants me too!) Some days, I am truly challenged.

This morning was a challenge. My husband maintained his domly presence in the car until I was profoundly challenged. On no level was I enjoying his company. Ultimately, I had had enough and I got out of the car and started walking. About a hundred yards up the street, I felt him grab my hand.

“No. You can’t do that.”

“You are driving me crazy,” I said as I cried on his shoulder.

We talked back and forth but he maintained his stance. He was the dom and I had to submit and that was all there was to that.

“Now, you just have to get over it. You don’t have an option. Understand?”

I could see he meant it. There was no ‘out’. I put my arm in his, as he insisted and together we did the marketing together; something we enjoy a great deal usually but something we haven’t done together for a few months now.

The time arrived for our morning coffee and together we talked. I had settled myself perfectly well by then, but only because he had refused to allow me to run off the rails. I was calm because he had insisted upon it.

I don’t know. Here I am thrilled to the back teeth that my sons and daughter have been educated to think for themselves whilst I revel in achieving the ability of not thinking for myself.

Do you you think...that on some level I can justify that by saying I am standing true to my convictions? Or, is that too much thinki?


  1. Re the laptop: I think he was being petty and disrespectful. Presumably he refused to close the laptop properly, after you had told him about it, to "teach you a lesson". Well, you'll learn your lessons, you'll stop noticing things, stop speaking up, and the house will burn down or get burgled, or he'll crash the car because he failed to put on the handbrake properly. I've seen a house burn down in similar circs (OK, I didn't actually stand and watch it burn down).

    That's all IMHO of course.

    Two things I often wonder about D/s relationships:
    - Where is the meta-discourse, or how are the rules of engagement defined and maintained (e.g. what is a Dom allowed to do and what is out of bounds, what are the responsibilities of the partners, etc.)? This negotiation is always there, but what form does it take? How can a slacking Dom be made to shape up?

    - What does a Dom get out of D/s? Sir J on A Dominant Character talks about the challenges, and how rewarding they can be. Other than that Doms seem not to rejoice in their status as much as subs do in theirs (that's male Doms and female subs; perhaps the Doms are a little defensive).

    ♥ PL

  2. PL: Whoa! For the record *you* said that; not me!

    He can be 'full of himself' but he usually acknowledges that later. I was pretty 'full of myself' this morning, too. We are *both* capable of less than our best behaviour when put under loads of stress. Trust me please when I say that he makes up for it in spades in other ways.

    What does he get out of it? Well, as we drank our coffee he made note that he was 'aroused' and that if he didn't have to go to the office, his inclination was to take me home and "deal" with me. I think he got a buzz from the whole episode, actually.

  3. PL: I just re-read the post. Did you think, by any chance, that I was at peace only on the surface, because he had insisted on it? I was at peace on all levels. If he had left me to my own devices I would have been miserable all day. He truly does know me, and what I need, well.

    And, never fear that I would not speak up if there was imminent danger. It is not easy to get through to a dominant man in full flight (whether that is to get more rest, to calm down, or to slow down), but nonetheless, I have my ways.

    Did my sense of humour in this post not come through? I rather feared that. I so enjoyed writing it up.

  4. Dear Vesta, I trust you.

    I admit that (on a second reading, but before your responses) I did find the story of The Next Day (from "This morning was a challenge..." to "... I put my arm in his, as he insisted.") quite arousing. Now I can imagine this erotic force thrown like pixie dust over the whole day's interaction and of course that changes everything.

    My erotic sense is underdeveloped. Thank you for bearing with me.


  5. I'm going to just ignore Pl and talk about your post instead, however, if I had been in the room when those words were spoken I think withering glares would have been cast :)The point is choices, not laptop closing skills or Domly attitudes.

    It's probably pretty normal to wonder about how you can be proud of the independance of your boy measured against the submission you feel (and love) in your life. The ideas seem a bit contradictory, but really, are they not the same? Have you not taken a road few would allow themselves to?

    Your submission was a choice. You looked at the options, made the choice and are now happy with it. That's exactly what you want your child to be able to do.

    ~ Tristan

  6. Tristan: Your point is well made.

    I do, indeed, want my children to make their own choices, just as I have done.

    It was lovely to hear from you.

  7. PL: No worries. I just sometimes wonder if I impart the right impression and mood.

    We have tempestuous moments; always have and I suspect, always will. Is a dom a dom at 18, because that is when I met him and he has been getting his way from the very first day. I'd be a fool not to use the situation for my own erotic pleasure now, wouldn't I?! (smiles)

  8. Vesta,

    I find myself struggling (maybe struggle isn't the right word) with the paradox of my slavery. Yes, as you stated it does come down to choices. I think what gets me sometimes is how much I need him to be in control and the more control he takes the more I want to give but the more I resent myself in that process.


  9. Late news: In case anyone else drifts by looking for what the doms get out of it, here's a very good post on the issue: WIIFM.

  10. PL: Indeed and thank you. David's post was fantastic in expressing the sense of warmth and even exhilaration that a D/s relationship can bring to a man's life. It has been called "The Gain". *Both* people receive a rush of energy that keeps them coming back for more and more and more...