Friday, February 5, 2010

Wanted: return of dominant

A correspondent of mine recently made note that it could be difficult to read my emotional state from my posts; perhaps that was deliberate, he thought. I replied to him, noting that I was in good spirits and that I tended to be a fun loving person much of the time. Yes, he got that, he said, but he also got that I was sometimes sad.

I am not inclined to want to show my sadness to other people, and was a little taken aback at the comment. Yet, I appreciated the observation. In spite of my best efforts to be moderate and reasonable, a little sadness was bound to slip through.

Regular readers will have come to know that my husband is a workaholic. It is very difficult for him to compartmentalize his life and if he has a problem to solve, a difficult problem, he is more than willing to not go to sleep at all. I have seen him work through two consecutive days and nights without sleep to complete a piece of work.

As a rule, I respect his need to hypo focus. It is his natural tendency to do so and I learned long ago that there is little point in asking him to do things in a way that is not natural to him. I have learned to entertain myself, to listen quietly whilst he shares a dilemma, and to accept that in order for us to live in harmony, this is the way it must be.

I give full credit to my husband for embracing my nature once it was fully exposed. With very little reading, except my own sometimes, he saw where I was coming from and did everything he possibly could to satisfy my needs. He is a natural in many ways. It has been the greatest gift he could ever have given me and one which has enriched my life more than rubies or diamonds, or overseas holidays or wealth ever could. I suppose you could say that we have an agreement: I accept and live with his idiosyncrasies and he lives with mine.

For several weeks now, our pact has begun to break down. It was agreed, for example, that he would not discuss his work in bed. Yet, suddenly I found myself listening to the latest developments of the latest deal in bed the moment I awoke. The daily spanking, which I had suggested and he had agreed to, has long been missing. Sex of any description has been less regular and there has been no effort at all to allow for any time where we might seek some joy in our lives, through a play session or simply putting the worries of business away for a while. In a nutshell, he has obsessed.

Of course, I sympathize. Other people’s behaviour has been disgusting, abhorrent, without morality and even against the laws of business. He has every right to be angry and infuriated and to fight. I don’t blame him one little bit. But, where we do disagree is in the value of remaining in a state of high tension and anxiety twenty fours a day.

The bottom line is that I just can’t do that. I can’t be upset and worried and anxious alongside him all the time. It puts me completely off balance and leaves me feeling that life is barely worth living. And, that is just not me.

In order to defend my psyche from this assault, I’ve spent most of the last few days alone whenever possible. I had no desire to be with other people. I have been to see a movie and wallowed in the emotion of that but I came right back to the sanctuary of my bedroom. (‘Bright Star’ is simply stunning. I cannot recommend it more highly.) Ultimately, even he could see that he had pushed me too far; ignored me too long. He came to me; promised to compartmentalize more; to be aware of my needs.

Of course, our union is not perfect. A perfect union would be that he needs to take control of me as much as I need to be controlled. Control, in my book, is not just telling a girl what to do but finding ways to settle her; bringing her joy. To be tied up, to be wrapped up like a mummy; this is something that I would consider the best of gifts. And, at his best, he is more than capable of being that dominant for me. He just fell, lately, into some rather bad habits. Here I was doing everything I knew how to settle him but he forget about repaying the favour.

I think in his mind the argument is sound that what he is doing he is doing for us; for me and for the family. I acknowledge the merit of the argument. I am no fool. This family takes big bucks to maintain and the burden is on his shoulders. But, a submissive girl without her dominant is the saddest and sorriest of sights. It is pitiful. It is just... sad.

I can’t do sad for more than a couple of days. It gets boring to me and awfully uncomfortable, so I am going to pick myself up now, dust myself off and return to my naturally positive self. And, let’s hope he returns to his.


  1. I sympathize. I have a couple of workaholic men in my life -- my boyfriend and my father. There are pluses to such -- the enhanced standard of living being primary but as we both know, there's a price to pay for it.

    What I'm at loss to make my boyfriend understand is the addictive nature of work. There are times when he's using it detrimentally to himself and to us. There comes a time when it crosses beyond exemplary work ethic and into dysfunction and I've watched him cross that line a couple of times.

    *hugs* I hope you find a way to reel him back in and when you do, do you think you could let me in on the secret?

  2. Doll: It's kind of funny, isn't it - the thought of reeling them back in so that they can reel us back in?!

    I have high hopes of my husband returning to reel me back in and thereby make me happy, but not much hope of adjusting the way he works. I believe it is called 'global thinking' and some people need to know everything to feel comfortable - hence the need to work long hours to achieve it.

    My first son who very strongly believes that life is for living and for whom "stress" is an enigma has found himself working through the night several nights this week because a client of his suddenly realized that they did need to have a certain report after all. Thus, at short notice, my son and his team had to move mountains to keep them in compliance. If he could have found the "idiot" who made the mistake he would have had an ear full but he was nowhere to be found. Sometimes, it is just life and all we can do is support them.

    And, now that I am feeling much more myself I would add that smart girls like you and me can serve our cause rather well by being dum dum dollies who really just want to please...if you know what I mean!

  3. Vesta,

    i am always late commenting, but you know why that is.

    All i can say is that i wish you a nice weekend and i hope there will be some "quality time" for the doll and her owner, whatever your definition of "quality time" may be, lol.

    All the best, cassie

  4. cassie: Awwwwwww that is so sweet of you. I definitely do have a weekend feeling about me. I am currently cooking a meal, the house is in good order and all the children are accounted for, which is always good.

    I feel very positive. I have my fingers crossed that "onnir" has had a better day, too.

    Let the games begin!

  5. No sage advice but I feel for ya!

    Chin up!

  6. Dear Vesta

    Perhaps you should start Domming your Dom. It sounds like he needs a little discipline;)

    ♥ PL

  7. Jz: That's sweet of you.

    PL: Well, he doesn't enjoy watching me unravel and tells me that he had no idea how I was feeling. Why didn't I tell him I was feeling neglected? In the end, the dom holds the cards, and that suits me.