Wanted: return of dominant

A correspondent of mine recently made note that it could be difficult to read my emotional state from my posts; perhaps that was deliberate, he thought. I replied to him, noting that I was in good spirits and that I tended to be a fun loving person much of the time. Yes, he got that, he said, but he also got that I was sometimes sad.

I am not inclined to want to show my sadness to other people, and was a little taken aback at the comment. Yet, I appreciated the observation. In spite of my best efforts to be moderate and reasonable, a little sadness was bound to slip through.

Regular readers will have come to know that my husband is a workaholic. It is very difficult for him to compartmentalize his life and if he has a problem to solve, a difficult problem, he is more than willing to not go to sleep at all. I have seen him work through two consecutive days and nights without sleep to complete a piece of work.

As a rule, I respect his need to hypo focus. It is his natural tendency to do so and I learned long ago that there is little point in asking him to do things in a way that is not natural to him. I have learned to entertain myself, to listen quietly whilst he shares a dilemma, and to accept that in order for us to live in harmony, this is the way it must be.

I give full credit to my husband for embracing my nature once it was fully exposed. With very little reading, except my own sometimes, he saw where I was coming from and did everything he possibly could to satisfy my needs. He is a natural in many ways. It has been the greatest gift he could ever have given me and one which has enriched my life more than rubies or diamonds, or overseas holidays or wealth ever could. I suppose you could say that we have an agreement: I accept and live with his idiosyncrasies and he lives with mine.

For several weeks now, our pact has begun to break down. It was agreed, for example, that he would not discuss his work in bed. Yet, suddenly I found myself listening to the latest developments of the latest deal in bed the moment I awoke. The daily spanking, which I had suggested and he had agreed to, has long been missing. Sex of any description has been less regular and there has been no effort at all to allow for any time where we might seek some joy in our lives, through a play session or simply putting the worries of business away for a while. In a nutshell, he has obsessed.

Of course, I sympathize. Other people’s behaviour has been disgusting, abhorrent, without morality and even against the laws of business. He has every right to be angry and infuriated and to fight. I don’t blame him one little bit. But, where we do disagree is in the value of remaining in a state of high tension and anxiety twenty fours a day.

The bottom line is that I just can’t do that. I can’t be upset and worried and anxious alongside him all the time. It puts me completely off balance and leaves me feeling that life is barely worth living. And, that is just not me.

In order to defend my psyche from this assault, I’ve spent most of the last few days alone whenever possible. I had no desire to be with other people. I have been to see a movie and wallowed in the emotion of that but I came right back to the sanctuary of my bedroom. (‘Bright Star’ is simply stunning. I cannot recommend it more highly.) Ultimately, even he could see that he had pushed me too far; ignored me too long. He came to me; promised to compartmentalize more; to be aware of my needs.

Of course, our union is not perfect. A perfect union would be that he needs to take control of me as much as I need to be controlled. Control, in my book, is not just telling a girl what to do but finding ways to settle her; bringing her joy. To be tied up, to be wrapped up like a mummy; this is something that I would consider the best of gifts. And, at his best, he is more than capable of being that dominant for me. He just fell, lately, into some rather bad habits. Here I was doing everything I knew how to settle him but he forget about repaying the favour.

I think in his mind the argument is sound that what he is doing he is doing for us; for me and for the family. I acknowledge the merit of the argument. I am no fool. This family takes big bucks to maintain and the burden is on his shoulders. But, a submissive girl without her dominant is the saddest and sorriest of sights. It is pitiful. It is just... sad.

I can’t do sad for more than a couple of days. It gets boring to me and awfully uncomfortable, so I am going to pick myself up now, dust myself off and return to my naturally positive self. And, let’s hope he returns to his.