Sunday, April 25, 2010

The sun and the moon

When I first began exploring my submissive nature, I remember being shocked that someone would refer to me as “bad”; as in “you’ve been a bad girl!” I didn’t think of myself as a bad person and I was rather alarmed that anybody would think that of me. After all, I obeyed the law, put my families’ needs ahead of my own, and was kind to strangers and animals; all those sorts of things. If I was “bad” then heaven help us all!

Bit by bit, I came to understand that it was not about whether I was a good or bad person but whether or not I was developing an understanding of how a power exchange dynamic could work for me. If I wanted a successful power exchange I needed to conform.

My husband, like lots of other husbands out there is happy to lead; wants to lead. He takes responsibility on his shoulders and he knows what he wants. But for many years I didn’t really understand myself well enough, or even know that it was possible for me to say that I wanted to feel control over me.

I honestly believed, as many girls do, that I needed to be strong and independent and want to take charge and be in control and strive to achieve and all those sorts of things. I felt that I had to fight against my nature to want to be protected and to feel the strength of a man and his direction in my life. I thought that I was deeply deficient that I remained on some level, “just a little girl”.

Although I thought that my husband would not understand me if I told him who I really was and what would make me happy, I have come to see that a power exchange relationship is very close to a perfect fit for the two of us as a couple.

We have been married almost 30 years but we are still in the process of getting it just right. Finally, after years and years of coming to me with the minutiae of a deal and being upset with me that it unsettles me to hear of things over which I have no control, he is taking much more of his own counsel. He knows that if he needs to talk, I will of course listen, but it does not work to give me excess worry. I need to feel that he is in control of himself and the plans that he makes on our behalf.

On this score, the past year has been an adjustment period for us as he took to heart that this constant discussion over his business affairs was affecting me. But, I am delighted to say that he now sees the merit in having a more relaxed girl. I don’t say that this works for all D/s couples by any stretch but it does work for us. I was not the only member of this marriage that needed to make adjustments if we were to be completely happy.

I have read a number of comments lately that sex is not all there is to a power exchange relationship. Naturally, I agree, but it is a vital component and it is when I feel that dominance in my life, to the core of my being that I shine most bright. If a woman is submissive by nature, she needs to feel that sense of dominance over her in a very concrete way as well as on a more day to day level. And, the dominant needs to feel her sense of completeness as much as she does, I think. My husband will say after very satisfying love making, “It is so lovely to live with a happy girl. Just look at you!” Well, he looks rather happy, too!

I read just now a comment by a submissive. She wrote: I'm not so sure submissive power can be sustained just through service. I think there needs to be a dominant force from which the submissive draws enough energy that can be reflected - much as the moon reflects the light of the sun.

I think that is a beautifully expressed sentiment. A “dominant force” cannot just be a man (in this case) who wants his own way. It needs to be a man who understands that his girl has a submissive nature, needs to express that nature and is happy that she is as she is.

This is why I waited so long to express myself as I really am. I just didn’t believe that I would be acceptable. It has taken a lot of mentoring for me to finally get it through my dumdum head that it is more than all right for me to have a submissive nature. I am valued, loved and desired for that submissive nature.

It is beyond question that I draw energy from the dominant force in my life; an energy that is reflected back. The more I embrace my submissive nature, the more powerful (and settled) I feel; much as the moon reflects the light of the sun.

7 comments:

  1. I love that phrase about a "dominant force." But for me, at least, it is more than being able to recognize a submissive nature as well as more than the dom's desire to have his (or her) own way. To me, it is an inherent nature, something that fills the air I breathe, even before we are in the same room. A sentence, a word, a tone, a sureness, a confidence, and any thoughts I had of choice are revealed for the fantasy they are.

    I MUST submit.
    And whatever the risks
    whatever the danger
    I finally feel safe.

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  2. OG: Thank you for leaving this comment. Your last sentence said it all. (It could sit very nicely in a poem...)

    Your comment reminds me of a conversation recently where I asked my mentor what men really want. His response was a well trained girl.

    I believe that and I think I'm doing pretty well there, if I do say so myself, but I really do have moments when I fight inside my head. Sometimes, that comes out as a little resistance. Okay, so that is not so well trained of me but at the same time, I just have to think that some men rather enjoy that little rebellious streak some of us have, and putting us back in our box.

    Yes, I *have* to submit in the sense that I can't imagine living any other way now, but at the same time, I have a spunk that just won't die.

    And, if I'm entirely honest, I have to say it gives me one hell of a rush to see what I can get away with. I got an *ahem*, a sigh, and was put on notice that his patience was running short before I stopped my game last week, but gosh...it was so much fun!!

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  3. Dear Vesta,

    many Dominant persons "think" their Dominance is enough. But do they really understand the need for us to submit?

    cassie

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  4. vesta,

    Thanks for a wonderful post. You're completely right. Sex and service I think go hand in hand with feeling submissive. Your last paragraph says it all; beautifully.

    hugs,
    mouse

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  5. Perhaps the sub is like a "diamond in the rough", and the process of domming a sub is like polishing a diamond. The cutting and polishing allows the diamond to show us more of its true nature --- allows it be be truer to itself you could say. Far from the spunk dying, it shines out brighter than ever.

    Sometimes (reading here) I think a D/s relationship is almost a license for the sub to be spunky: your barbs will not result in silent smouldering resentment, and you'll know from the treatment you get whether your wit was appreciated or whether you overstepped the line.

    You write well here about your husband too, about how he has become more of a dom for himself as well as for you.

    However, I must take exception to your final metaphor. With the sun and moon no energy is generated. The magic of people in love is that the beloved receives (or generates) more energy than the lover gives; when the love is reciprocated we have a powerful amplifier, and a surplus of energy.

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  6. Vesta,

    I don't think it's so bad for a girl to be a "bad girl". It really just means that she "deserves" to be "punished". Of course, we all know that the real reason she deserves it is because it turns her on so.

    It's good to see that you're happy with what you're getting. It makes me happy to know that you are.

    Rich

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  7. cassie: I think it might be true both ways. Some doms won't get that in the same way that some subs won't get that the dom has a need to dominate.

    PL: I like your comments. Yes, I think to take 'spunky' out of the girl is a crying shame. I totally agree. I could well have made an error. If it relates to scientific concepts then the chances are high.

    Rich: You mean you think girls manipulate the situation? I never heard of such a thing?!?! Thank you for your lovely message; kind, as ever.

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