Service

Around the blogs there is always talk about 'service' and by that people seem to mean that the submissive should serve the dominant. I have no issue with the fact that the submissive serves the dominant but in my life, the statement doesn't always mean that much. I've been contributing to the success and happiness and smooth running of my husband's life since the day we started going out. When our relationship became one of a 'power exchange', my mind began to think about that in new ways, but I was already doing lots and lots of tasks that I continued to do. Certainly, sexually, I thought about that service in new ways, but I assure you he was not the only recipient of the value of those new thoughts. I was serving him to be sure, but he has never stopped serving me in the bedroom either in terms of the satisfaction he brings to my life.

My point is that I provide service to him but in fact, he serves me rather well, too. He has been serving me well all my married life in a vast number of ways, and when the relationship altered to a 'power dynamic' the amount of service he provided for my benefit only increased. As the dominant in a power exchange, he was being asked to see me and the relationship in a new light and in that way he was being asked for more, not less.

In any marriage between two people, unless they just can't get it together at all, there is some sort of division of labor. One likes to cook; another is prepared to pay the bills. One takes responsibility for watering the garden whilst the other mows the grass. One can't bear ironing the shirts but is happy to change the sheets on the bed, or empty the dishwasher, or to service the car. Or, whatever. People work together to make their lives work smoothly for them, or they should.

In a power exchange relationship, the dominant is the boss. I have no argument to make about that nor would it suit me to think of it in any other way. The dominant person has the right to give commands and the submissive has the responsibility to obey. If he wants something done, or done in a particular way he will tell her, and expect her to follow through with the task done well.

There is some symbolic gesture to consider here and I recognize that some dominants rather like that a submissive pours the wine and serves him, first. Perhaps he (the dominant in this case) asks that she kneel and serves him tea. I think that all very fine and it no doubt assists the two people in their dynamic. But, the thought that my husband might never make me a cup of tea is just awful to me. It is always a lovely moment for me to awake from the occasional sleep in, to my husband standing by my side with a tray on which there is a cup of tea with a light breakfast. Everybody deserves to be pampered sometimes.

In the evenings, it has always been our way that I clean up the kitchen whilst my husband reads the paper or watches a current affairs story or returns to his study to do some work. Frankly, I prefer it that way because I work best in the kitchen on my own. Then, I bring him a cup of his favourite tea and a little treat and that is our time together to talk about the day, or the news, or whatever. Nowadays, I do think of that bringing of the tea to him as my serving him, because it pleases me to do so, and because I can see that he feels tenderly towards me that I have done that for him; to understand that at this time of the day he needs a little pampering.

I shall come out and say it outright. I worry like hell about the dominants out there who think that their status as the dominant means that they are somehow better than their submissive; that it is all right for the submissive to be dead tired but continue to serve him whilst he sits there like King Pubah blissfully unaware of her distress, or heaven help us, enjoying that distress. It is not at all gallant to think it is all right for the submissive to be asleep on her feet but since she is the submissive she should continue to serve. That is just not gentlemanly.

Within the power exchange, each person has their responsibilities to the other and to the relationship as a whole. Our focus is not on who serves who but rather a mutual caring for one another. My husband will insist that I take my calcium with vitamin D tablet because he knows a deficiency due to lack of sunlight can cause depression. I will take him to the station rather than leave him to walk because I know he has a full and long work day ahead and I can make a contribution to his day in this way. We care for one another within the framework of the power exchange relationship.

If I were writing the book of BDSM I would not say 'The submissive serves the dominant'. I would say, 'The submissive serves the dominant and in return, he serves her right back.'