Force

The type of force (or control) a dominant may use with a submissive is well covered in David’s recent post,‘Moving with Force’. There are so many tactics he (or she) may use with a submissive and physical force is just one of them. In fact, most of the types of force a good dominant will use are of the psychological kind, as David explains.

I found the whole post of great interest but a point made under the heading of ‘reinforcement’ really spoke to me. David referred to a tactic of the Dom to”let go so fully that she doesn't even feel the control any more, or in fact she feels the absence of the control”. Perhaps there are times, he suggests, when it is valuable for the submissive to experience what it is like to not have any control from her dominant.

On a day to day basis I hum along nicely when I feel some sort of control (force) from my dominant. I don’t do as well when my dominant is too busy or distracted to ensure that the control is obvious to me. It does not take more than a well placed word or two, but I like to know that he is paying attention. I’m led to believe that this is a submissive trait. Control is not always comfortable but much less comfortable is that sense of unease when there is no control.

I’d like to consider that in more detail for a moment. It has often been pointed out to me that I need “reminders” of my place. At times, I have seen that as a negative sort of statement but I’ve come to understand that it is not being put in my place, as in being ‘put down’. Rather, reminders of my place are an opportunity for me to feel contained; safe. I am owned, loved; secure; the bottom of a happy power exchange relationship.

Control or force, therefore, can be very subtle. It may simply be a few well chosen words from the dom. “You forget yourself,” my husband will say to me. It is a reminder that he doesn’t care for my snappy retort and that I am harming our agreement, and myself in the bargain. It is a correction.

At such moments when I am corrected, my feelings are always mixed. On an intellectual level, I recognize that he is right in every way but on an ‘ego’ level, I’m a bit annoyed that my poor humour or bad temper or whatever has led to this.

Every now and again, and I’m happy to say that it is very rare; I’m dominated in such a way that the dominance is removed. I think that a dominant will remove control for a few reasons. On one level, I think he has lost patience with his submissive. She is not learning her lesson, or she is not conforming and for the minute, he has had enough. At least, I feel that way about it. I feel rejected.

If a dominant takes the step of removing his control I think he is using this as a tactic; perhaps to enforce compliance or encourage self-motivation or simply to give the submissive the opportunity to see what it might be like on the other side of the fence, where she may think the grass is greener; that paddock over there where no-one is asking anything of her.

There is the infamous situation where control was removed from me. If I was not willing to obey commands, then perhaps it was best I was left alone for a while to think about that. And, think about it, I did. It was a shock. It was a battle of wills. It was a struggle. And, of course, the dominant won.

Now that I know what it feels like to be dominated, the removal of control/force in my life can play out like a physical illness. Without control (and approval, attention and positive flow of energy) I can find myself devoid of the vitality to really enjoy and embrace my day. I may still be able to function but in an impaired way and with limited zest and a sense of pleasure. My world is out of kilter and it can even feel at moments that oxygen is in short supply.

This feeling of ill-ease is compounded by the sense of guilt a submissive feels when she has failed to impress, along with an awareness that her only course of action is to wait: to wait until her dominant is prepared to set her to right by gifting her with his dominance yet again. If you have a submissive nature, and you know the great joy, the great sense of happiness, peace, security and safety that comes from having a good dominant in your life, the disapproval or displeasure of your dominant is a very powerful force. You want to put that to right because it just feels so wrong. If you displease him to the extent where he washes his hands of you for a time, you seek to return to his good books in short order. You seek the pleasure of being safely “in your place”.

Removal of control (which is a force in and of itself, of course) is a most powerful weapon which should be used with caution and care. It hurts. Yet, I concede it is extremely effective. I’m not entirely sure if it is accurate to say that a submissive will look to make the peace. But, I can say that I am a peace maker. I look to put things right. So, for me, the displeasure of the dominant is a force that I feel keenly and one that I cannot ignore.