Emotions

I am not an especially constant person. Reading the blogs of other submissive women, that makes me not especially unique, but perhaps more inclined to inconstancy than most. On the whole, I gravitate to optimism and the sunny side of the street because I have found no value in being morose or negative. I can go for considerable time with it appearing on the outside that all is entirely well with me. Ask my friends or the gals down at the club and they would say that I am always happy.

My family know differently. I really do appreciate a great deal having things my way. (You are smiling, right?!) I deplore walking into the kitchen first thing on a weekend morning and listening to Homer Simpson blither on. I detest his voice and I am only content within myself when whoever has turned the darned television on, turns it off.

I can take an awful lot of bossing. I'll alter the way I have stacked the cups in the dishwasher and not say a word about it. I'll adjust the way I have tied the boat to the pier to satisfy my husband's desire for perfection without a whimper. I'll listen to the lecture one more time about not drying myself on the bathmat and leaving water on the floor without a solitary complaint. My settled and calm nature allows me to go on in this way for weeks or months at a time. Until, I crack it.

Yes folks, every now and again, I lose my temper. Whilst this is not unknown to the family it is always a shock. They have received very little, if any, notice as to the storm brewing and when the storm breaks over them it is a complete mystery to them. My husband, being true to his nature tries to bring a halt to the storm immediately. Just what is this ruckus all about??

However, those slow to anger are not necessarily those fastest to settle down, either. This situation can find me needing to walk and that's what I did last night. Completely unaware, it seems, that he was pushing me too far with his comments, I got out of the car (we'd gone to town for supplies) and started walking. Of course, he tried to settle me but it was much too soon for that and in the end he asked did I want a lift back home or did I want to walk? I wanted to walk.

Now, I was all steamed up; no doubt about it, but at the same time, I could see the funny side of this. It was rather dark. I was in the country and technically I should have been frightened. But, I was not at all frightened. I considered what I might do if someone approached me. And, then I thought, well who the hell would dare approach me right now? I must be giving off so many angry signals. Who would have the tenacity to confront me right now? And, it did make me smile; the thought of me being able to send them scrambling with just my negative emotions. Of course, once I had spent some energy walking, I was able to see clearly and that it was a storm in a teacup, and the night was ended happily. I apologized first. This is mandatory. And, then he said he was sorry, too.

My point is this: women do get angry; emotional, steamed up; crazy! I do anyway. And, what does my husband do when it is actually me who loses her temper? He becomes very calm, quiet, controlled, sensible, conciliatory; while I act like a goose who just lost its head.

And, who feels vulnerable in those moments? I do. It is one of his dirty deeds and clever tricks to agitate me to breaking point and then when I break, look like butter would not melt in his mouth.

We've done this before. We'll do it again. My eldest son who witnessed one of these events a month or so ago, came to me and hugged me and said, "It's because you love one another so much. People who love one another do crazy shit. That's why I am not in a relationship right now. I needed a break."

Of course, I laughed. He was so right. Neither my husband nor I is perfect, but we remain in love; loving, intensely involved in one another's lives; forever joined; passionate, about one another and about life.

You might have noticed that I tend to give the appearance that he is the passionate, emotional one. Well... maybe, I have my days, too!