I've a very dear online friend who keeps a fascinating online journal about her thoughts and explorations. Lately, she's become more bold and honest, not just with readers but with herself and she's discovering and accepting things about herself at a fast rate.
In the past few days, she embraced the sadistic tendencies in herself and I think if you read her writing about that , the energy and electricity, the hunger and appetite will be easily discernible. I recognized a persistence, a control and a demanding force that I've read a few times before in sadist's words when they play with a submissive who wants to be played with just as badly. It's the yin and yan of two complementary souls and takes place when the hunger between them is palpable and irresistible.
On reading the post, I sat back and tried hard to find any sadistic tendencies in myself. I thought. And, I thought again. But, nothing. I have absolutely no desire for physical or emotional sadism of anyone. I'm completely unqualified for the job.
And, then I thought, that maybe that 'there's nothing there' feeling I had is what so many women have if asked to locate submissive tendencies within themselves. They might try to imagine pleasure in being controlled, reduced, spanked, told off, set a task, told to do something they don't want to do and find that nothing is there: no pleasure in those thoughts whatsoever.
Here's a secret: When given a direction, I often question it. Of course, I understand the directive. But, I get such a buzz out of hearing on the other end his slight annoyance at the need for clarification. But, I want to feel the control; the fact that a directive is a directive whether I like it or not; that I'm the lucky one that gets to be directed.
So, the thought of giving a direction to someone does nothing for me and perhaps this is unfortunate on some level, but it is the way it is. We aren't doing something here that we have to work to do. We do what comes naturally; what turns us on and makes us feel complete. We are exploring the length and breadth of our sexuality and that's a good thing.
In the past few days, she embraced the sadistic tendencies in herself and I think if you read her writing about that , the energy and electricity, the hunger and appetite will be easily discernible. I recognized a persistence, a control and a demanding force that I've read a few times before in sadist's words when they play with a submissive who wants to be played with just as badly. It's the yin and yan of two complementary souls and takes place when the hunger between them is palpable and irresistible.
On reading the post, I sat back and tried hard to find any sadistic tendencies in myself. I thought. And, I thought again. But, nothing. I have absolutely no desire for physical or emotional sadism of anyone. I'm completely unqualified for the job.
And, then I thought, that maybe that 'there's nothing there' feeling I had is what so many women have if asked to locate submissive tendencies within themselves. They might try to imagine pleasure in being controlled, reduced, spanked, told off, set a task, told to do something they don't want to do and find that nothing is there: no pleasure in those thoughts whatsoever.
Here's a secret: When given a direction, I often question it. Of course, I understand the directive. But, I get such a buzz out of hearing on the other end his slight annoyance at the need for clarification. But, I want to feel the control; the fact that a directive is a directive whether I like it or not; that I'm the lucky one that gets to be directed.
So, the thought of giving a direction to someone does nothing for me and perhaps this is unfortunate on some level, but it is the way it is. We aren't doing something here that we have to work to do. We do what comes naturally; what turns us on and makes us feel complete. We are exploring the length and breadth of our sexuality and that's a good thing.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteIf you only knew how much I appreciate your friendship and how significant you have been to my growth. I can not thank you enough. I do feel empowered as of late, as you pointed out, and I believe this is just the beginning of accepting myself and learning more of who I am.
As for the sadistic/submissive tendencies I think you are on to something because how you feel trying to identify a sadistic desire inside of you and coming up with nothing is most likely exactly how those who are not submissive at all feel when told of a submissive lifestyle.
I do not believe every woman is submissive nor do I believe every man is dominant. I think some people will take on certain roles in order to accomplish something but that does not mean it is an innate desire.
Even when it comes to my sadism; it varies tremendously from my Masters. In fact we were just, mere seconds ago discussing that. You see for me, the masochist has to ache, desire to be used in such a manner and must receive pleasure at all times. In fact if I feel for even a second that the person is not receiving pleasure my sadistic erection deflates instantly and I have no further desire to continue. Master on the other does not feel this way, he is far more extreme than I am.
We are all individual. All unique and I am only just now feeding mine.
I hope we can converse soon.
Thinking of you,
~a
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteWhile mouse would deny any sadistic tendency, you did get her thinking. There are times mouse will kinda purposely push O's buttons a little. But maybe more often it's to serve the masochistic need than anything else.
But we are what and who we are. It's nice. Comforting. And unsettling when things go helter skelter.
Hugs,
mouse
goodgirl: The evidence is overwhelming, I agree, that a submissive or dominant nature does not relate to gender.
ReplyDeleteYou also make the very valuable point that when we talk about a submissive nature or a dominant nature we are talking about a scale and maybe someone is a little bit dominant or sadist or submissive all the way through to very dominant, or very sadistic or very submissive. To add to the confusion, the dominance definitely comes and goes in some people just as submissiveness has periods of great intensity and periods where it might seem dormant.
The sadism fascinates me. Even intense sadists seem to want the other person to be enjoying the encounter/experience. Having said that, they adore to push and even to upset for various reasons - mainly, it would seem because they can then rescue. I know my masochism can get pretty dark because as difficult as I find emotional sadism on some level it feeds me too. Maybe, I want to be rescued *that* much! Or, maybe the highs are worth the lows. Or maybe, it's just how I get my kicks...or how the connection is expressed. As you say, each person and each relationship is entirely unique.
I will admit to you that I find the 'switching' situation complex and I suspect that it would get me into lots of trouble. One little wrong move can see me corrected and put back into my place and if I were to dominate someone else, I suspect it would cross over...and that would *not* be a happy outcome for me! Ha!
mouse: I suspect so. Can't really imagine Omega thinking too much of you suddenly finding your sadistic side, but of course I may be entirely wrong...