In the past month I have been to two funerals; the children of friends of mine. In both cases they died due to their own form of mental distress. Obviously, a friend's job is to nurture the parents in their time of grief and of course, that is what I did. Yet, it cannot be denied, these premature deaths took a lot out of me. I've experienced agitation within myself and became something of an insomniac, until last night when my body demanded that it get some decent rest.
I've been blessed with a few days to myself (well, the boys are here but they are easy) and although it has been a bit of a roller coaster, for I don't recall ever being more tired than I was yesterday, I am starting to see what happened to me more clearly.
I'd booked in for a 'sound healing' session on Sunday afternoon and my daughter came with me. I wasn't able to fully relax as I would have otherwise, but it helped, for sure. It was after that session when we were talking that my daughter gave me the lecture; that I hadn't needed to rush there and make myself late in order to make the lunch; that the three boys could have done that themselves; that I needed to stop putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own.
As I lay in bed alone early this morning I thought about this thing I do - find succor out of people taking from me; out of giving to people. It comes so naturally to me to do this. I really don't know any other way to live. It nurtures my soul.
Yet, I was overloaded this past month. There is no doubt about that. I needed to pull back into myself and restore myself . When you have a submissive nature and people get used to being around that, a dynamic takes place. The submissive wants to be in control of her emotions in large part because this suits everybody else. An ethereal, joyful, playful person is great succor to people. It is this peaceful state that they crave because a peaceful person encourages a peaceful disposition in others.
When I am not calm, content and at peace within myself this seems to trouble others and it troubles me. There is a part of my brain that is aware that this is what is expected and wanted: my happy, light, sensual disposition. Therefore, if I am not able to give this, of what use am I? Perhaps this is why I seek my own company and counsel at such times; until I am restored; until I have recovered. And, it works. To give to others, first you must give to yourself.
I've been blessed with a few days to myself (well, the boys are here but they are easy) and although it has been a bit of a roller coaster, for I don't recall ever being more tired than I was yesterday, I am starting to see what happened to me more clearly.
I'd booked in for a 'sound healing' session on Sunday afternoon and my daughter came with me. I wasn't able to fully relax as I would have otherwise, but it helped, for sure. It was after that session when we were talking that my daughter gave me the lecture; that I hadn't needed to rush there and make myself late in order to make the lunch; that the three boys could have done that themselves; that I needed to stop putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own.
As I lay in bed alone early this morning I thought about this thing I do - find succor out of people taking from me; out of giving to people. It comes so naturally to me to do this. I really don't know any other way to live. It nurtures my soul.
Yet, I was overloaded this past month. There is no doubt about that. I needed to pull back into myself and restore myself . When you have a submissive nature and people get used to being around that, a dynamic takes place. The submissive wants to be in control of her emotions in large part because this suits everybody else. An ethereal, joyful, playful person is great succor to people. It is this peaceful state that they crave because a peaceful person encourages a peaceful disposition in others.
When I am not calm, content and at peace within myself this seems to trouble others and it troubles me. There is a part of my brain that is aware that this is what is expected and wanted: my happy, light, sensual disposition. Therefore, if I am not able to give this, of what use am I? Perhaps this is why I seek my own company and counsel at such times; until I am restored; until I have recovered. And, it works. To give to others, first you must give to yourself.
The deaths are a tragedy, but I am happy you are finding space to reconnect with and restore your self. ava x
ReplyDeleteAva Grace: Awwwwww, that's so kind of you. Feeling better all the time. Now, if only it would rain and settle the dust so that my sinuses could get restored too...
ReplyDelete