Adaptation

For a few reasons, this is a time of transition for me and I have tried hard to take my time and let the dust settle where it may –not forcing any issues or feelings too much but giving myself time to make the necessary adjustments and see what comes. Another word for all of this is ‘adaptation’. I have been adapting to my new circumstances.

In this process, I have been alert to what may not have altered or changed as well. Again, I haven’t had any preconceptions about that; haven’t assumed anything at all but just remained mindful.

I have tried, and I have tried in the past without success as well, to work on the basis that I don’t have certain needs. There is a difference between wanting something and needing something and I have tried to think as a vanilla/non-kinky person would.  Lately, I have worked on the assumption that I have physical wants but that I don’t necessarily need to have those physical sensations in order to live well. 

 I had almost hoped to prove to myself that I no longer have those physical needs. It seemed like not a bad outcome in my mind because if you don’t have physical needs then you are not reliant on others. You don’t have to expect anything of anyone else and you can feel more in charge of your own destiny. This was the thought.

However time and circumstance has demonstrated to me that my physical needs are here to stay and that could well relate to the fact that my mindset or headspace remains that of the doll. Perhaps I have been indoctrinated or brainwashed or perhaps I continue to feel like the doll because this is my true nature. Time and time again I was told that a dolli needed to be used. You know my story. But, how could that really be true? If I didn’t fill the holes, surely I could live perfectly well! It just is not so.

A few nights ago, my husband put my cock gag into my mouth as he played with me. It was late at night and he asked if I would like to sleep with it in. I nodded and he turned out the light. A few minutes later I wondered if I had chosen badly. Seven or eight hours like this was a long time. But, the thought passed and I drifted into sleep.

I woke many times for a split second, much as I do when I am plugged in another hole (yes, I do feel a bit coy today) and in those split seconds I had a consciousness that I was incredibly happy and peaceful and that my mind was a clean slate. I was not worried or concerned about anything at all. To the contrary, I was aroused and content all at the one moment. It was like coming home.

I have had some restless days in the past few weeks when I have not felt right. I have not shared the reason why but my husband was apparently aware of the reason and he said to me over the weekend, “You haven’t been using your pluggiz and you know that is no good for you.” There it was – the cold, hard facts. I desperately needed my plugs; the stretching; the use.

I reinstated the procedure last night and slept like a baby; woke early and decided to walk the dogs before the day got underway. I felt positive and in control of my own destiny; confident and able and I chose to leave the plug in. It felt natural to do so and it continued to feel natural to do so as I walked around the park; waved and smiled to the usual suspects about my neighbourhood up at this time of the morning.

I do best with limits. I feel more when I am less. These are fundamental truths. There is no point in refuting them.

On the flip side of the coin, what I have also established is that I also do best when I am in control of myself to become more: to function at optimal levels. I need to achieve: to ensure that my family have what they need and that I have what I need to lead a full and fulfilling life.

It has taken some time for me to get my ducks in a row. It has taken time for me to work with my therapist to establish that I do indeed have a submissive nature with certain needs but that I also have a need to challenge myself and grow: to ensure that I do not subjugate myself and sacrifice myself to anyone and that I seek progress and growth in my life. I have a need to submit to become less and to challenge myself to become more. I need both those of components in my life to live well and give my best.

And so it is that part of me needs to be contained, to be less, whilst part of me needs to be more. It is with this knowledge that I can say that this day is the first day of the rest of my life and even though outside it is raining cats and dogs and the sky is bleak, inside my head it is perfectly clear and I move on, full steam ahead.