What I know

A couple of the gals I read have been writing about their beliefs that we should do what works for us and not follow some other person's prescription of what the rules should be or how things should go. That is good advice. I think if one is going to read another web journal it is going to be about collecting interesting ideas that may work for us. I shudder to think that I ever write prescriptively. I try to make it very clear that my experiences are just that - my experiences.

Having said that, I have been collecting in my mind values and beliefs and rules and theories (call them what you will - maybe 'prerequisites'?) that I must embrace if this lifestyle is to work well for me (and my Owner). Some of those ideas may well be necessary for any power exchange relationship and some may be optional and some may be irrelevant. It is not for me to say.

Obedience: It is hard to get around the fact that obedience is expected. No matter how formal or relaxed the arrangement, without the submissive accepting the expectation of obedience, things go awry. My mentor who communicated with the doll was a stickler for it. Heaven help the doll when she disobeyed. You can't go through that sort of training without accepting and taking into your heart and soul that disobedience is a bad, bad thing. My husband has been more relaxed about my occasional devil-may-care-do-it-my-own-way approach, but he doesn't appreciate it, will berate me about it and in moments of disharmony will bring it up as a sore that hasn't healed. Dominants just don't like it, or that is the way it seems to me. If you want the relationship to go well, one has to come to terms with this.

Asking: Formal or informal, asking seems to me an important and even essential skill to master. For various reasons submissive personalities find this very difficult at times. Some submissives think their needs should all be addressed by the dominant. This doesn't really work because they rarely know all that the submissive needs and wants at any given point of time. If and when they don't get that right in entirety (or at all), the submissive needs to guide them.

Speaking respectfully and politely: Whilst this is a matter of style, Dominants and Tops do seem to expect this trait in their submissive. The doll was reprimanded fast and furiously if she was considered impolite, yet she never used honorifics.  She could be coquettish (though this did not necessarily give her what she wanted) and she could be playful but sarcasm, for example, was waaaaay out of line. One learns these things over time. My husband loathes me speaking impolitely and he would interpret this as being short or impatient; not answering questions directly.

If you put the above two traits together, one should presumably ask for thing politely and respectfully. This still trips me up. Sometimes, I wait so long to ask I am too frustrated to be entirely polite and respectful. This is a mistake and never goes down well. Asking as soon as possible seems to be an important lesson to learn. This weekend, I was frustrated enough to blurt out what I wanted. I wanted more use and I wanted more spanking. My tone was not appreciated but he didn't hesitate to get out his cane and that was a good thing at least.

Acceptance: Once power is given away to the Dominant, it does seem very important that the submissive not attempt to take control of events. Of course, it is life that things won't always go as planned and that matters will need to be discussed from time to time, but in two years I don't think the doll was ever given the opportunity to control anything. She tried. Trust me, she tried but it was always out of bounds and deeply, deeply unappreciated. My husband hates it if I try to control events. I think the dominant person finds it confusing, frustrating and sapping of their confidence. You ask them to lead and then you question the leadership. I have to watch this carefully. I have to watch it all carefully really.

Force: Some submissives would find the word itself abhorrent but I know I need some dominant force at times. If I do pick a fight (even sub-consciously) it is because I need to feel that dominant force over me. I want to be reminded that he is my dominant and I am his submissive and "all is right in my world...right here...right now" (as my meditation teacher will say).

Feeling the submission: This is going to look different to each submissive person, but I need to feel and experience my submission regularly. It pains me when my husband is absorbed in his work to the exclusion of reminding me in some way that I am his submissive because I really do best when those reminders are regularly given. This is not something I can control. I can do my best to be patient and understanding of his needs to focus on work but ultimately it will do me harm if I cannot express my submission in some way, somewhat regularly. This is the way I am wired and cannot be fought. Feeling some degree of dominant force elevates me (on some level) while not feeling that dominant force weakens my sense of self and enjoyment of my life.

That is how I see it.