I'm a person who has considerable ability to endure. That's a relative statement, of course. I was saying to my son in the car this morning that I'd have died long before Hugh Glass (The Reverant), right about the time the bear mauled Glass. That I wouldn't have thought to eat a fish live, or the inwards of a bison, or sleep inside the carcass of a horse would be quite immaterial since I'd already be dead. But, relatively speaking, I can endure difficult situations. That my husband has wanted to live in a way that isn't in my comfort zone, well, I endure it. I tolerate it. (Note: Perhaps I should explain that the word 'tolerate' is one of my favourite words lately, in honour of a comedian who did a hilarious routine telling people with food intolerances to "tolerate it".)
Of course, when we hold in frustration, it comes out at the most unexpected moments. We were sitting outside in the gardens of the National Gallery sipping on a coffee when my husband made the statement, 'You don't want to make any decisions about business'. I went quiet. When he tried to engage me in discussion later I said, 'Of course I want a voice, why wouldn't I want a voice? You don't want me to have a voice.' Over the weekend we got into this a bit further, and guess what was the outcome? No change. Like always, no change.
Years ago, I said to my boss one day when he wanted to do something his way as per usual, 'Well why bother expressing an opinion since I don't have a vote.' And he replied, 'No. No. I want to discuss it with you at length. (Pause) And then we'll do it my way.' (Another note: Then, he smirked, loving the fact that he could have this repartee with me without me chuckling a wobbly.)
My eldest son who is up there at the Partner level of his firm made a similar statement to me one day, that he recognizes that people need to have their say, to feel listened to, and once he very respectfully does that listening, he explains that as good as their ideas are, things are going to happen the way he has determined them.
A friend of mine tried, genuinely and empathically, to convince her partner for a more rounded relationship. When the discussions completely faltered, in other words when he made the declaration that he wanted things his way and only his way, she called an end to the relationship, but misses him dearly, and I think from all accounts, he misses her. I imagine there is the possibility that things could be reignited but only if she can accept that nothing will have changed or even can change. He needs to have his way.
I've a close friend who keeps our relationship tightly managed, according to his dictates. Every now and again I freak out and explain that it's too bloody tight for me. Shove over and give me some room, some space, some allowances. But, there must be an insane side of me because as Einstein said, only an insane person does something over and over again and expects a different result.
From time to time I forget about the rigid nature of some individuals and think to myself, 'Surely this is just belligerence, and if I point it out logically and calmly, the other will see that they are being belligerent and bend.' But, this is to forget the rigidity of the rigid personality. They don't change because they can't change. They are who they are: committed to what they want. It is their nature.
Of course, no-one has just one facet to their personality. My eldest son, for example, on so many levels, is a relaxed and carefree individual. I heard him say a few days ago when a brother said he'd enjoyed wearing his jacket that he'd borrowed, 'Keep it.' Possessions aren't that important to him. He's happy to do something impulsively, last minute, if he can, and he can go with the flow in a number of ways. But at work, projects need to be done completely accurately and proficiently, meals need to be interesting and well contrived, girlfriends need to understand his desire for order and efficiency and get ready for the comments if he opens a cupboard here and discovers it is stacked with useless takeaway containers. He needs things to be a certain way and he's never going to change. He's not being churlish, he's just being himself.
I'm not at all unaware of the fact that there are rigid elements of my personality. Sometimes when I am trying to entice my husband to do a project around the house or garden and I don't get any traction I might say, 'If you think I am going to change and be the sort of person that doesn't care about the state of things at home you'll be waiting a very long time.' I am me and some things about me won't ever change. Having said that, is it not the submissively natured people of the world who are most likely to change enough to tolerate the rigidity in the Other? Sure, I blow up, but then I blow off and everything goes back to normal, me in the passanger seat.
I must surely have mentioned that I do Sound Healing Meditations and one time late last year I coughed. Bear in mind that we were laying down flat on the floor and when certain sounds were made with the Tibetan bowls I coughed, choked really. Later, the session convenor spoke to me about it and said that my voice chakra was blocked. I didn't think too much about it but in the last session a couple of weeks ago, it happened again. I mention this because in the two weeks after this I found myself voicing what I had held in; in one case, what I had held in for three years. I found myself saying what I had never properly said before; simply had not been able to find the words to stand up for myself.
Whilst it is remarkably onerous, futile really, to alter the dynamic of an exchange between certain people, finding one's voice is a whole other matter. I wasn't asking, in that case particularly, for a change in the dynamic but I was stating absolutely categorically what was not on the table. I hadn't expressed my boundaries until then; hadn't spoken of what I had found to be utterly unacceptable. I'd just tried and tried to make it work, even though I knew it never would. And, why was that? Because what I was being asked to do was something that went against my personality, my sense of the fitness of things; my understanding of the role I play in this world; what I can do and what I can't. Because the dynamic worked I figured that I didn't have a voice; could not have a limit.
Of course, people have limits that are negotiated every day. But, dolls don't and in that particular dynamic I was 'the doll'. I can't begin to explain how vulnerable I am in that role. I enter that persona much as Leonardo became Hugh Glass - completely and persuasively. Do objects, dolls, fucktoyz have opinions, limits, boundaries? How could they when they don't even compute those big words!
It's captivating play: freeing, uplifting, mesmorizing, addictive; joyful. I do feel, however, that it is important to check in with 'the girl' at times. 'Is everything good?' you might ask a bimbo/doll and being in that slutty/object state of mind, what isn't good? Very important then to give the gal a voice from time to time. Rigid natures she can handle without complaint. Obedience is second nature to her. Holding her tongue is what she does best. But, does the girl who embodies the doll feel the same way, about every last command? It's important to ask the right persona particularly poignant questions about her life.
Regardless of a very naturally submissive nature, I do feel that everyone needs to feel in some sort of control in life; over their own behaviour, their own needs; for a sense of safety and security. It's a divine thought for me to think that a person can give their whole self over to another but it's a bit of an impossibility. We can stop our brains from thinking some of the time but we can't stop thinking all of the time. Our survival instinct demands that we use our minds. An animal, for example, may rely on an Owner for food but if the Owner is caught somewhere and cannot attend to the animal will not a smart animal do what is necessary to survive? So it is with humans. We think.
I think that we grade our relationships; grade those relationships where rigidity abounds and we assess whether the frustrations and the downsides are worth the upsides. Knowing as we eventually do that nothing is going to change and the rigidity will endure, we determine if we can tolerate it. I think there is a lot of love in this type of dynamic; empathy; tolerance; acceptance. It is a vital component.
Of course, when we hold in frustration, it comes out at the most unexpected moments. We were sitting outside in the gardens of the National Gallery sipping on a coffee when my husband made the statement, 'You don't want to make any decisions about business'. I went quiet. When he tried to engage me in discussion later I said, 'Of course I want a voice, why wouldn't I want a voice? You don't want me to have a voice.' Over the weekend we got into this a bit further, and guess what was the outcome? No change. Like always, no change.
Years ago, I said to my boss one day when he wanted to do something his way as per usual, 'Well why bother expressing an opinion since I don't have a vote.' And he replied, 'No. No. I want to discuss it with you at length. (Pause) And then we'll do it my way.' (Another note: Then, he smirked, loving the fact that he could have this repartee with me without me chuckling a wobbly.)
My eldest son who is up there at the Partner level of his firm made a similar statement to me one day, that he recognizes that people need to have their say, to feel listened to, and once he very respectfully does that listening, he explains that as good as their ideas are, things are going to happen the way he has determined them.
A friend of mine tried, genuinely and empathically, to convince her partner for a more rounded relationship. When the discussions completely faltered, in other words when he made the declaration that he wanted things his way and only his way, she called an end to the relationship, but misses him dearly, and I think from all accounts, he misses her. I imagine there is the possibility that things could be reignited but only if she can accept that nothing will have changed or even can change. He needs to have his way.
I've a close friend who keeps our relationship tightly managed, according to his dictates. Every now and again I freak out and explain that it's too bloody tight for me. Shove over and give me some room, some space, some allowances. But, there must be an insane side of me because as Einstein said, only an insane person does something over and over again and expects a different result.
From time to time I forget about the rigid nature of some individuals and think to myself, 'Surely this is just belligerence, and if I point it out logically and calmly, the other will see that they are being belligerent and bend.' But, this is to forget the rigidity of the rigid personality. They don't change because they can't change. They are who they are: committed to what they want. It is their nature.
Of course, no-one has just one facet to their personality. My eldest son, for example, on so many levels, is a relaxed and carefree individual. I heard him say a few days ago when a brother said he'd enjoyed wearing his jacket that he'd borrowed, 'Keep it.' Possessions aren't that important to him. He's happy to do something impulsively, last minute, if he can, and he can go with the flow in a number of ways. But at work, projects need to be done completely accurately and proficiently, meals need to be interesting and well contrived, girlfriends need to understand his desire for order and efficiency and get ready for the comments if he opens a cupboard here and discovers it is stacked with useless takeaway containers. He needs things to be a certain way and he's never going to change. He's not being churlish, he's just being himself.
I'm not at all unaware of the fact that there are rigid elements of my personality. Sometimes when I am trying to entice my husband to do a project around the house or garden and I don't get any traction I might say, 'If you think I am going to change and be the sort of person that doesn't care about the state of things at home you'll be waiting a very long time.' I am me and some things about me won't ever change. Having said that, is it not the submissively natured people of the world who are most likely to change enough to tolerate the rigidity in the Other? Sure, I blow up, but then I blow off and everything goes back to normal, me in the passanger seat.
I must surely have mentioned that I do Sound Healing Meditations and one time late last year I coughed. Bear in mind that we were laying down flat on the floor and when certain sounds were made with the Tibetan bowls I coughed, choked really. Later, the session convenor spoke to me about it and said that my voice chakra was blocked. I didn't think too much about it but in the last session a couple of weeks ago, it happened again. I mention this because in the two weeks after this I found myself voicing what I had held in; in one case, what I had held in for three years. I found myself saying what I had never properly said before; simply had not been able to find the words to stand up for myself.
Whilst it is remarkably onerous, futile really, to alter the dynamic of an exchange between certain people, finding one's voice is a whole other matter. I wasn't asking, in that case particularly, for a change in the dynamic but I was stating absolutely categorically what was not on the table. I hadn't expressed my boundaries until then; hadn't spoken of what I had found to be utterly unacceptable. I'd just tried and tried to make it work, even though I knew it never would. And, why was that? Because what I was being asked to do was something that went against my personality, my sense of the fitness of things; my understanding of the role I play in this world; what I can do and what I can't. Because the dynamic worked I figured that I didn't have a voice; could not have a limit.
Of course, people have limits that are negotiated every day. But, dolls don't and in that particular dynamic I was 'the doll'. I can't begin to explain how vulnerable I am in that role. I enter that persona much as Leonardo became Hugh Glass - completely and persuasively. Do objects, dolls, fucktoyz have opinions, limits, boundaries? How could they when they don't even compute those big words!
It's captivating play: freeing, uplifting, mesmorizing, addictive; joyful. I do feel, however, that it is important to check in with 'the girl' at times. 'Is everything good?' you might ask a bimbo/doll and being in that slutty/object state of mind, what isn't good? Very important then to give the gal a voice from time to time. Rigid natures she can handle without complaint. Obedience is second nature to her. Holding her tongue is what she does best. But, does the girl who embodies the doll feel the same way, about every last command? It's important to ask the right persona particularly poignant questions about her life.
Regardless of a very naturally submissive nature, I do feel that everyone needs to feel in some sort of control in life; over their own behaviour, their own needs; for a sense of safety and security. It's a divine thought for me to think that a person can give their whole self over to another but it's a bit of an impossibility. We can stop our brains from thinking some of the time but we can't stop thinking all of the time. Our survival instinct demands that we use our minds. An animal, for example, may rely on an Owner for food but if the Owner is caught somewhere and cannot attend to the animal will not a smart animal do what is necessary to survive? So it is with humans. We think.
I think that we grade our relationships; grade those relationships where rigidity abounds and we assess whether the frustrations and the downsides are worth the upsides. Knowing as we eventually do that nothing is going to change and the rigidity will endure, we determine if we can tolerate it. I think there is a lot of love in this type of dynamic; empathy; tolerance; acceptance. It is a vital component.
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