The exploration of my nature, my authentic self as some people like to call it, has been going on for a few years. I was reminded of that this morning as I responded to a comment left on a post written in 2009. Throughout that period, most of the time, it has been a rather intense situation. I've lived and breathed the exploration. There are few days when these thoughts haven't entered my consciousness.
I'm going through a patch where I'm trying not to focus on the exploration and yet, all paths lead back to here. The thoughts pervade my mind even when I will them not to exist. If one takes yesterday as an example, it was a very pleasant social day with friends and friends of friends: lovely wines, lovely food, a gorgeous sunny day in a very pleasant garden. The chit chat kept me busy and it was only on our way home that I realized that I hadn't had a kinky thought all day.
The thought that I'd managed to keep my mind busy - listening and talking - was quite pleasing. Perhaps I was becoming more like 'normal' people who could focus on real world matters pretty much all of the time.
Yet, here I am the next morning, up early to take a tablet so that my hay fever doesn't get too out of control, with my head swimming with thoughts relating to my submissive nature.
My husband and I have been happy. He took me away for a long weekend in the country last weekend and we had the opportunity to do what we wished. We'd rented a little cottage that was quite private and one evening he decided to spank me. He took off his belt after that and all in all, I was rather soundly thrashed. He told me that I'd not managed to follow his direction in relation to two matters and so there was a disciplinary component to the session; something that didn't bother me too much at the time really, if you take into account that the sex immediately thereafter was quite thrilling.
However, the next morning I felt very agitated and that was because (or I think it was because) he complained that there was an attitude in my tone, and there probably was, but at the time I thought he was being very pedantic about it.
In fact, I think I was experiencing (and in fact he pointed this out to me) 'sub drop' because it has been quite some time since we've played like that. My reaction to his chiding me was seriously overboard, but I couldn't do anything about it. I felt distressed.
I must say he handled it well; gave me a little time to settle myself down and then insisted that he was taking me out. As soon as the decision was made on my behalf I settled down and thereafter we had a very happy day. If it had been left to me, it would have been miserable because I wasn't capable of getting myself out of the stew I'd cooked. It's moment like this when someone telling me what to do is a thousand percent right.
I like to think that I can sort out my life and order my days; that I'm relatively focused and organized and forward thinking. In fact, this year has been lovely because I've pushed through that natural reserve and introversion to join groups and be with people more regularly and it's been...very nice indeed.
However, the fact remains that the expression of my submission nature soothes me and completes me. Sex, spanking, bondage, restraint - these things are very important to me. Being at one; feeling content with my husband - this matters a great deal to me. I'm still the same gal. I still sit at this lap top of mine and wallow in thoughts of lust; possession; obsession. I'm still on the adventure of my life.
I'm going through a patch where I'm trying not to focus on the exploration and yet, all paths lead back to here. The thoughts pervade my mind even when I will them not to exist. If one takes yesterday as an example, it was a very pleasant social day with friends and friends of friends: lovely wines, lovely food, a gorgeous sunny day in a very pleasant garden. The chit chat kept me busy and it was only on our way home that I realized that I hadn't had a kinky thought all day.
The thought that I'd managed to keep my mind busy - listening and talking - was quite pleasing. Perhaps I was becoming more like 'normal' people who could focus on real world matters pretty much all of the time.
Yet, here I am the next morning, up early to take a tablet so that my hay fever doesn't get too out of control, with my head swimming with thoughts relating to my submissive nature.
My husband and I have been happy. He took me away for a long weekend in the country last weekend and we had the opportunity to do what we wished. We'd rented a little cottage that was quite private and one evening he decided to spank me. He took off his belt after that and all in all, I was rather soundly thrashed. He told me that I'd not managed to follow his direction in relation to two matters and so there was a disciplinary component to the session; something that didn't bother me too much at the time really, if you take into account that the sex immediately thereafter was quite thrilling.
However, the next morning I felt very agitated and that was because (or I think it was because) he complained that there was an attitude in my tone, and there probably was, but at the time I thought he was being very pedantic about it.
In fact, I think I was experiencing (and in fact he pointed this out to me) 'sub drop' because it has been quite some time since we've played like that. My reaction to his chiding me was seriously overboard, but I couldn't do anything about it. I felt distressed.
I must say he handled it well; gave me a little time to settle myself down and then insisted that he was taking me out. As soon as the decision was made on my behalf I settled down and thereafter we had a very happy day. If it had been left to me, it would have been miserable because I wasn't capable of getting myself out of the stew I'd cooked. It's moment like this when someone telling me what to do is a thousand percent right.
I like to think that I can sort out my life and order my days; that I'm relatively focused and organized and forward thinking. In fact, this year has been lovely because I've pushed through that natural reserve and introversion to join groups and be with people more regularly and it's been...very nice indeed.
However, the fact remains that the expression of my submission nature soothes me and completes me. Sex, spanking, bondage, restraint - these things are very important to me. Being at one; feeling content with my husband - this matters a great deal to me. I'm still the same gal. I still sit at this lap top of mine and wallow in thoughts of lust; possession; obsession. I'm still on the adventure of my life.
Another great post. You really have the ability to capture what I am thinking and put it down so elegantly. In fact, until I read this - I couldn't get my mind around the reasons I become agitated after a seemingly meaningless comment. I also struggle to fight through "that natural reserve and introversion" which is one of the reasons I began blogging. It could have become too comfortable for me (albeit lonely) to stay in my own little world. Corresponding with other like minded adults, although though I am separated by the computer,has at times made me feel vulnerable, but the benefits are too much to turn back now. Kinda like the dynamic in my marriage. ~Liz
ReplyDeleteliz: You sound like you are having fun, which in my opinion is vital. So long as you are enjoying yourself you have nothing to worry about. It's amazing, though, how something small can at times build into something out of proportion and I think this nearly always relates to some withheld feeling. Having been around the block I'd say that the opportunity to discuss how you are feeling makes the going easy. It's when we don't feel that we can communicate effectively about what may not have worked out that things go awry for us. So, keep those communication channels open and when little issues occur you can do your best together to nip them in the bud.
ReplyDeleteAlways interesting to read your stuff, Vesta. As you may know, I am fairly well convinced there is no "authentic self," or, indeed, any "self" at all; still, you make it sound as if it is a good thing to have one! After all, why are we playing this game of being human? To have fun - among other things, I guess.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm,
ReplyDeleteI've skimmed the material you very kindly sent me. I will very soon have a chance to read it at my leisure. Why would you say that there is no authentic self - that glimpse of understanding we have in rare moments to know ourselves in depth and with great clarity? Can we not say, "I am"? Don't we need to get in touch with our authentic self to understand our purpose; to measure our behavior; to remind ourselves of the right path for us and those in our lives? I struggle to understand philosophy if we can't have these notions that make up the core of being; that determine right from wrong, good from bad; that give our lives integrity; that make honesty, truth, devotion; love matter most of all. Or, am I misunderstanding something here?