Food for the Soul

 I awoke to these beautiful (day)dreams. I was neither awake nor asleep, but lulling in that in-between state when the mind wanders over terrain that entices and inspires.

I was living a D/s life with a (faceless) man. By that I mean, it mattered little who he was, could have been my husband but may have been a different man. He was, quite simply, a man who loved me and provided me with the polarity of my own nature.

My mind went to some rules. Perhaps it went that way because there has been so much discussion around rules or not rules in this 'Contract' we are meant to be devising, currently on the backburner as we holiday.

In my mind, it wasn't exactly a Rule, more a way of life, but probably somewhere far down the recesses of the creating of the relationship, it was a Rule.

My wardrobe was minimalist; carefully curated and devised for the greatest flexibility and creativity of choices. I was in no way spoiled but neither was I denied. From time to time, I had the desire to add to the wardrobe; something new that took in the fashion of the time; perhaps the colour of the season or the shape of a sleeve. 

I was (am) thrifty, and so when I eventually determined the garment I would like to purchase, I showed it to this man. He didn't always approve of my choice; perhaps too much colour, or a dress that I was unlikely to wear often enough. It was surprising how often he was right about these things, and I would let that item go in my mind, conscious that when I had found the right item, he would give his approval.

Of course, there were a proviso. Understanding my internal drive for some direction and limitation, he would ask me what item I would be removing from my wardrobe and knowing this question would come, I would inform him of the garment to be retired.

In this way, slowly but steadily, my wardrobe had become an expression of our union. Each colour, each shape of a dress, a skirt or a shirt was appreciated by each of us. Each time I dressed, I felt that symbiosis.

If I am to be honest, I also awoke with the photograph in mind to which I had fallen asleep. I would share it, but I think that may be forbidden; that is, I don't think I have the right to share it.

Let me describe it. It was black and white. One girl sat at the grand piano, naked but for some kind of thong. We only saw her from behind. Not far away was a girl upside down, exquisitely bound from the ceiling by her feet. The photograph exuded for me a sense of perfect peace at the same time as I felt the lump in my throat; a quietness that overtook my mind at the same time as my mind was on fire.

Scenes, I thought. I wanted scenes. I wanted to feel what it was like to be bound in that way. I wanted to to feel what she felt. I wanted to know there was another girl close by. Somehow that made it all the more...natural.

It's interesting how I had to close my eyes to allow the right word to come up. Enticing? Not quite right. Natural? Yes, it felt natural to put myself in that scenario and feel at one.

I wonder if it starts with Rules - or Preferences - as I have been encouraged to think about what is noted in a Contract or Aspirational agreement - and if it simply ends with a way of life that feels as natural as drinking water every day, as eating nourishing food. Food for the Soul.

D used to say often that the details matter. We can think about the purchase of a dress as one more dress in a lifetime of dresses; something that matters not. Or we can think of a dress as an expression of symbiosis, like an offering at the font of love.

Polarity

 If you are a woman with a submissive nature, and you want to be led by a man, that is, for there to be a leader in the relationship, that man is going to require certain characteristics. In all likelihood the man will need to grow; to hone his dominant nature and to overcome any residual trauma from his childhood as well as societal messaging.

Let's assume that the woman is intelligent and well educated, and most probably perfectly capable of looking after herself. By that I mean she has the education and the necessary skills to get through her days quite satisfactorily whether she is led or not. But she chooses and desires a dominant man to lead her. For her to express her submissive nature she needs a man who is capable and willing to express his dominant nature; for there to be polarity. This man is going to be required to be evolved, mature, stalwart, calm and steady. 

We are judgmental about our leaders because no-one wants to be led by a fool. We analyze their behaviour and their decisions and as a whole we don't hold back from criticism when we disapprove.

I had a talk with someone over Christmas when I got a rare opportunity for a one-on-one conversation and I explained to him that, although it was clear his wife's behaviour was certainly triggering and sometimes quite unacceptable, he couldn't afford to give her back the same sort of behaviour she gave to him. As difficult as it no doubt could be, he needed to be that calm and committed presence in her life who was determining the standards of behaviour. 

'No, he couldn't mind the child this evening as he still had essential business calls he had to make, but he was happy to mind him on Saturday morning whilst she went to do whatever it was she wanted to do.'

Statements. No anger. No throwing words back at her. Just declarative statements. Compromise, but not giving in.

When she tried to make him responsible for something that was indeed her responsibility, he needed to note to her that she was capable of sorting this situation herself. He didn't need to be involved.

He was running around, I explained to him, trying to sort her problems, because he was capable of that, but he was training her to be dependent on him by doing so and getting angry about that at the same time.

There's no shortage of love either way and so he said to me, yet again, that the violence in her childhood home had created this scenario. He was justifying her behaviour. I understood that, I explained, but people can't spend their lives in disarray because something happened thirty years ago. He deserved peace, for one thing, and once the new training period was over, they would both be happier.

To his credit, he listened. He truly wanted it to be better, to be calm and for there to be harmony, but he had been triggered for several years by her demands and he sensed it wouldn't be easy to not be triggered again.

'Of course,' I assured him. It will take time and you will make mistakes. But you have to keep working your way towards being that man who was something like a well-built brick wall; solid and dependable; indestructible.

'She'll note the difference and won't understand it. You'll get a whole lot of stuff around how she is an 'independent woman' yadda yadda. Just stay the course. Trust me.'

Dominant men, the ones who hone their craft and character, do not get enough credit. I heard a brave man say in a podcast recently that a man has to be better than his woman in all the criteria that counted. He needed to contain her, and by that he meant he had to hold her in her hour of need. She needed to look up to him and he needed to protect her and hold her accountable to him. If she wants to be led, that's the way it works.

This reminds me somewhat of meditation advice - to let go of doing and sink into being. In the same way, I wonder if we should not let go of society's messaging and just be our authentic selves; strive to be our best selves.

The inner voice

 An issue that has come up for us in our union, and one that my husband wants to resolve is that in the power exchange we are creating, he wants whatever he says to be obeyed. This is the normal expectation in power exchange, of course.

A couple of problems have surfaced around the fact that I have a rather strong intuition, or shall we say, self-direction, around how to handle a matter. I don't necessarily see a matter exactly as he does, or how to resolve the matter in the same way he does. 

We also can have a different sense of timing. I may look to get it resolved as soon as possible whereas he may want to reflect on it some more. 

The truth is I might look to do something when he is out because then I can just do it and it's done. Not all problems require consultation or waiting. I have a lot of patience but sometimes I struggle to be patient and just want to get the thing done and sorted. I think the marriage has on the whole, thrived under the agreement that I am the one that just gets a whole lot of things, outside of business matters, done.

I've noticed today, and he has made darn sure I noticed today that this is a very sore point. If he says to do it his way - let's say, wait some more - and my natural tendency to move on with a remedy overtakes me, he is very cross with me. In fact, more than that, he is determined to nip this assertiveness in me in the bud. If he says wait, I am to wait.

He very naturally likes control, generally, but particularly now, of me. Duh.

I was driving in the car earlier today and felt upset about a correction around these matters, at the same time as I thought, 'well, kudos to him, he's drawn a line in the sand. Isn't that what you wanted and asked for?' It's the push/pull of giving up control to another, of living that slave girl mindset which is so arousing to me.

I was with Andre just now, my acupuncturist and he told me that my spleen was not acting perfectly. It could be tiredness from Christmas festivities and planning, of course, he said, but was I going through something at the moment, some sort of rather significant change?

Well, yeah, that could be it; that could account for the lack of energy I have been feeling in the last couple of weeks. You could say giving over your free will to another was a rather significant change.

Don't get me wrong. I love what we are creating, and I am happy he is so engaged with the process. I am just noting there's a strong self-will here within my bones; an inner voice that guides my behaviour and decisions and it isn't going to be easy to quiet that voice entirely. Watch this space.

Power exchange

 Life is so different now. It has entered a very sexual, very orgasmic period. One day I am full of energy, steaming through my work and other days I feel like I could sit and stare all day, trying my hardest to generate some momentum, but still having difficulty. I do a few things, sort through solutions to some problems and then, I'm trying all over again to move further on. 

I think it is the chemicals running through my body; the mind that rarely turns off. I dream eroticism, I think eroticism. All day. Everything else pales into insignificance, but since I do have many responsibilities, I must push against this dreamy state repeatedly. (I am hoping the writing helps.)

This morning my husband asked me if I would like to touch myself while he showered, or would I rather ask permission later in the day. I took the opportunity as it was presented to me and said I would like to do so now. Orgasms came thick and fast, since, I think, it was just an extension of whatever I was dreaming as I was waking up.

I'm not a personal fan of having one's orgasms controlled, but I also felt it wasn't wise to whine about the restriction. I also didn't feel it wise to even think about disobeying the order. In the past, I might have thought about it, but I am changed. It's profound, the change, and although some may be excused for thinking the training done under trance not possible, I am here to tell you that, it works. I am here to tell you that my mind has been tampered with and I wouldn't dream of disobeying. 

'Obedience is pleasure.'

I can give you endless examples of the training in trance applying to my life, how I am during sex, how my mindset is altered. To give a simple example, under trance I was told to say, 'Yes, Sir'. At one point I was told to say, 'Sir, yes, Sir.' This is not a form of address I have barely ever used in my life, and up to that point he was just his first name to me. So, of course, I noted it, complied with the instruction.

In the past few weeks my husband has told me that unless the children are around or there are people that could overhear, he is 'Sir' or 'Onnr'. That's how he writes it in chat and how he wants me to write it in chat. It's so new to me that I often still forget, or just revert back to my default, 'Yes', 'No'. '

'Yes, Sir' he will say, not unkindly, just a reminder of the new world order. 'Yes, Sir' I say.

It's not just that. It's the world I was presented in trance. I obey. I don't even think about disobeying, nor do I plead for mercy. The orgasms last as long as they last, sex lasts as long as it lasts. If my knees are getting stiff, I put up with it. If I'm tiring, I remind myself, it can't last forever. It would feel so wrong to defy the control. There's a glimmer of the old me, enough to consider asking for my preference, but it's quickly discarded. I. have. no. control.

I make the bed with a new sense of service. In a nutshell I feel incredibly owned.

My husband, due to a condition, has had to undergo therapy that means he does not have penile erection. BUT HE SO DOES. The doctors can't quite believe it. Tell them, I said to him, that they don't know about power exchange.

This is an experiment, that has had outstanding results. I give enormous credit to the hypnotist who stuck with us through thick and thin. 

Just before the last session ended, he said to me, 'I could have done this on day one. But, I waited. There is so much more I can teach you.'

I don't doubt it for a minute

Power, or the lack thereof

 I have been doing some listening to and reading the words of Robert Greene. It has prompted some thoughts about seduction and charisma; power; emotional intelligence.

I admit readily I haven't had any great desire for power in my life. To the contrary, I've been happy to live under the wing of someone who aimed for power; way more driven by a desire to be unique and to be successful than I could ever be.

I have wanted stability. To that end, marrying someone with an endless search for self-expression; for the very real possibility of failures and hard times that can be generated by that individual drive for self-expression, hasn't been ideal for me. 

On the positive side, it has generated an intense understanding that I, and no-one else, is responsible for my own sense of stability and overall well-being. This can occur internally, irrespective of outside forces. That's the ideal, of course, for even monks and those that make this sort of thing a lifetime's work can be triggered by words or deeds of others.

My own self-expression, that is, the expression of my submissive nature, in many ways allows me to have stability within my own self, regardless of the ups and downs of the outside world; that is, outside of my Self.

To this end, staying in my lane is a personal choice; very much a choice generated by what I know works for me. Deity said to me several times over his life, 'if you are a bird, then trying to be a cat is a useless exercise'. Well, he didn't use the words cat and bird, but the idea is the same. If you are an introvert, an observer of people, and not craving power, then don't waste your time in pursuit of power. 

Yet, there's still a part of me that isn't (as yet?) prepared to give up thinking my thoughts that are different to my Dominant, or 'trainer'. It's no good telling me the sky is yellow when I know it isn't. Sure, I can use my powers of submission, of emotional intelligence to observe what is going on, and to just note it; to know what I know inside myself and let that be enough. Most of the time that works just fine for me. 

However, it must be said, I have a 'bullshit filter'. I just do. I know when someone is trying to deceive themselves with a self-generated story about what happened that works for them; that tends to the ego. I'm good with that. We're human. It's what we do.

On the other hand, I'm still not ready to accept someone else's version of how things went down if they are not only protecting their own ego but also trying to bring mine down. In some circles, this may be thought of breaking someone. I don't know. It's always seemed an odd thing to want to do.

I've had nearly 50 years of practice in being that person that supported someone in their efforts to have an effect on the world and I did that willingly since I don't share that same desire. No-one needed to compete with me for power since power is not my jam. Giving up power is my jam, my experiment, my erotic state.

Here's the thing. I am happy to cede to the story that your ego and the massaging thereof is more important than mine. It's fine. I don't care. I am happy to explore submission in a high protocol sort of way.

However, in a less than subtle form of manipulation recently it was suggested to me that a true slave has more character than a garden variety submissive because they can give up all desire or ability for any individual thought process and simply go with the decisions of the other; even if they think that they are not right. Please don't take offense at this verbiage. I know when certain traits of mine - wanting to excel - are being used against me to be used for me, if you know what I mean. Just saying.

Hmm, interesting times.

Aspirational Statement

 It's quite lovely the efforts the hypnotist is making re this 'Contract', which we all agree is so poorly named. It's more a statement, an explanation, an Aspirational Statement. Yes, that seems the best description.

I decided on my 'Dealbreaker'. The hypnotist assures me it is likely, when Trust is 150% assured, that we are likely to want to have secondary partners, to get more experimental; for the Control to extend to such scenarios of which I can only imagine, although D describes them luridly while I just quietly chuckle. (There's just so way!) I assure him this won't happen, and he assures me that that's what they all say, and yet 70% of clients change their minds.

With this in mind my Dealbreaker would be if I ever became secondary to my husband; if someone else was more desirable than me; if he loved someone more than he loved me. 

I say this because it is my strongest feeling of what I want in my life - abiding love and desire - and what I don't want - heartache - but also because I have been reading the blog of a Slave who was under the misapprehension for several years that her Owner desired other women, loved other women, more than he loved her. Before he died, he was able to assure her she always came first in his heart, but still she lived with that heartache for several years, and I definitely want no part of that scenario.

The hypnotist's strongest advice is to write down 'preferences' and not 'Rules', but my husband is disagreeing at this point. D believes that if it is a Rule, there's a punishment, each and every time for the breaking of a rule, for the rest of our lives. Hence, call them preferences, and then he make an assessment that has more flexibility, more give and take. They are working it out.

I have made a lot more suggestions - plenty of them now and they will be written down for appraisal and potential adjustment. We have committed, that is, given our pledge of honor, to D/s forever, so it has to be right. It has to signify our aspirations just so. It has to be a thing of beauty; a thing we build together.

Our relationship already feels a 1000% better than anything that ever went before it. I feel so much more myself and he does too. It's feeling quite quite wonderful. It goes like this - no matter in which era I live - in ancient times or in modern times - I am living out my nature, my true and authentic self - and growing. I am growing as a woman and that feels right.

Contract awaits

 I await the Contract. No, it's not a legal contract and no lawyers are involved. Nevertheless, it seems like a lot of thought is going into the document, in spite of the fact that various iterations are expected to get it just right.

I made a small contribution. I was asked if I had any requests or ideas, and I made a note of them. I wanted to express what I saw as my role and the characteristics that make up that role in my mind. I wanted to express what I saw as his role. It's what the hypnotist refers to as the Keystone statement. 

I didn't have any deal breakers since we've been together quite long enough, I would say (48 years!), to trust that nothing is going to be a dealbreaker at this stage of the game.

I mentioned, very broadly, maybe there's a few things I could have at my disposal to key him in to me wanting attention without breaking the tenor of the Contract...

Maybe there's a list of 'go to' activities that he can know are welcome. Maybe not. I think they think that's not the way to go; maybe, apart from the obvious no-go zones, everything is a green sign. 

I thought a nighttime ritual would be cool, and the hynotist responded to that with an idea I like very much.

In other words, it's all up in the air, and it's kind of like some old show I used to watch where the owners of the house leave and the designers come in and make over your house. 

Not quite. It's a sort of a negotiation. I think.

Most of the time I can be patient about this, like a girl awaiting a proposal of marriage, maybe. You sort of know it will happen sometime soon, but you can't be sure. Is it tonight, or in three months? So, you just sort of await the other in some sort of suspended animation.

Half a week ago the hypnotist and I had a brief chat around the Contract, extending out the conversation to traverse the relationship that would result from it. I happened to mention that my submissive appetite was waaaaaay up and he said something rather surprising to me.

He said that a passionate force (me, I guess) required a strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards.

 I interpreted this as strictness, maybe because I was wayward. I tend to think that this sort of statement is directed towards someone who needs to be kept in her lane. David, my friend who died some years ago and was sort of like a father to me, said to me that he kept me in my lane, but that there were bumpers on the lane. So, I rolled like a ball from the left to the right but stayed in my lane. Never forgot that. I felt it was said endearingly.

No, no, no, the hypnotist assured me. It was not a derisive comment at all. His explanation is really worth reading carefully.

He said that there are three motivations for a person to want to express his or her submission. It could be devotional (love), positional (a desire to do things well) or transactional. I tended towards 40% for the first two and 20% for the third.  (He may have said 50% for the first two and zero for the last category. I know my husband thinks there is a negotiation side of me.) I remembered as he explained this that I knew this material from a podcast of his and we had even briefly discussed it months ago when we were first getting to know each other.

He made me an audio message and said that I was a person who wanted to do things well, that that mattered to me and so to "win" at my submission I needed a 'strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards'.

When he put it like that it was far more palatable. I didn't need to feel like I was 'bad' which is an insufferable thought or feeling for me. He was committed to explaining all this to me because he was not in any way criticizing me. That was comforting.

Since writing the last post and this post I have had wonderful sex and although I have no quarrel with the explanations above, I think really great sex goes an awfully long way to a girl being more than happy to follow the rules as laid out. I may be smiling as I write this, but we both know it's true. 

Climbing the mountain

 The trance that I spoke about recently in the last post was much awaited. The reason for this is that two months earlier, my submissive mindset had been removed. I wouldn't have ever thought this was possible if I hadn't experienced myself. 

I'm not sure that it was intended for me to have such a hard time of it, or so it was said later, but that was certainly the outcome. My mind has been kinky for 60 years, so to suddenly have trouble accessing it, in spite of my best efforts, was discombobulating and confusing.

I don't think the hypnotist cared a dot. I think it was designed that way for a couple of reasons, for my best interests. First of all, he needed to be sure that I was 'independent' enough to go into a permanent D/s style relationship. He wanted me to tend to myself, my needs, my goals, my Self. Secondly, I think when you deprive someone like me of their thoughts that provide succor, you build up an intense demand to have your deepest desires met, to get to the 'just BE submissive' part. I'd offered him access to this blog and of course it wasn't lost on him that I had been evaluating submission. Now it was time to practice it and simply be in that mode.

It didn't always go the way it was expected to go. At one point, I walked away. I wasn't used to someone else deciding such a thing on my behalf or to use such methods.

Anyway, it was a flat tire, the car was still in good working order, and so we resolved that problem with a telephone conversation where I could tell he was using all his persuasive powers to get me back on the road.

 I dilly dallied, and finally said, "....okay..." 

"No, no, you don't have to decide now. Take some time to think about it."

An excellent strategy, I must say. The guy is good. I emailed the next day and said I was ready to go.

In the trance that followed on a few weeks after that conversation, I did identify as a slave. He has written a great deal of material about kink and yet in all that material there was one paragraph that deeply resonated as to my circumstance.

He explains that someone who identifies as a slave has willingly and with full consciousness surrendered their right to say 'no'. It's a bit like owning a car, he says, and then giving it away. She no longer needs a car, doesn't want the car anymore and willingly and with full consciousness gives it away to her partner. First, she needed to own the car before she could give it away.

That's what happened to me. I think. I needed to feel what it was like to be 'just a girl in control of herself' to, with full consciousness, surrender that independence in order to develop interdependence.

He was issuing commands, and I was complying. Nothing seemed difficult about that...until the orgasms were so ongoing, and I was tiring, that, unwittingly, unconsciously, as if I were with my husband and might request mercy, my throat formed one tiny word, 'please'. If it were conscious, I wouldn't even have tried this. I assure you; it was completely unconscious.

'Please what?' he asked, softly, as soft as my 'please'.

I can't remember what I said. Maybe, 'please may I stop?'

His voice became deep and powerful. There's no way I can remember everything that he said but it went something like this.

'How dare you be so disrespectful. Did I tell you to stop? You do as you are told. You'll keep going as long as I tell you to keep going. Don't you dare stop!'

Like that.

Yeah. I had willingly and with full consciousness surrendered the right to say no.

Did it feel right? Did it feel good?

It felt fantastic.

He has a keen sense of when to demand, and when a girl complies satisfactorily, or exceedingly well, I don't know, he rewards. That's when he told me the story, and when I sat on the floor with my left face cheek on the upholstered seat and listened with the rapture of a little girl to his story about ancient times and me being brought to the household of slaves to be trained.

Maybe ten days later, after quite a bit of back and forth with my husband, some ups and downs in our lives, I committed to establishing a power exchange for life. I took on the mindset of a slave.

There hasn't been any sex since then, so what does that mean for me at this point? It means, in my mind, that just as a slave may have a volatile Owner, an anxious Owner, but still is a slave, serving, so am I. That may not sound like much, but it is a lot to me, and it feels right.

Two little anecdotes from my morning. On the way to yoga, I played music in the car and on came 'Climb every mountain'. Barbra Streisand and a male singer do a little chat first and Barbra says, 'If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done.' I have heard those words many times but today it meant something very personal to me.

Then, the yoga class was led by a young woman who is into deity stories and such and she told little stories while we held poses and said at one point that a pose was in service to Lord somebody.  I believe we were performing 'Humble Warrior' at the time. These service poses have always felt right to me.

Towards the end of the class she said, 'We are so often in service to others, and this can come naturally to some of us, but we find it more difficult to be in service to ourselves.

The slave mindset is, in fact, in service to myself.  It feels so natural and such a relief to just be who I am. I climb the mountain, one step at a time, inching forward to my dream.

Slave mentality

Therapy is meant to make you feel better, but before it makes you feel better, it can make you feel worse.

Acknowledging and simply being your authentic self is also meant to feel better, but it isn't necessarily so at the outset either.

To explain, by way of hypnotherapy over the telephone, a session of a sexual nature, I experienced the depths of my submissive self. 

I believe for the first time in my life I referred to myself as a Slave and did those things that slaves do. 

'Admit to me what you are!'

'I'm a slave, I'm a slave.'

These words came from the darkest recesses of my mind.

Orgasming on demand, over and over, occurred effortlessly. Obeying these commands seemed the most natural thing in the world.

 I was told a story, set in ancient times, of what my life was like. My primary role was to be trained and f**ked, not just by one Owner but by many men, and women. I listened in a trance, found it all quite wonderful.

For a day or two, I felt liberated and joyous. The possibilities for my life in real terms seemed transformational and exciting. I felt buoyant and rejuvenated.

Then, real life happened, new knowledge of on the ground life challenges. It was necessary to get out of my kink head and problem solve; come up with answers for the problems presented to me. Far from a simple slave girl here I was using my brain hard to resolve financial issues like a big, independent girl.

It's not just the problems and the efforts it will take to solve them that troubles me. It's the compatibility issues that have come about for what I refer to as 'the slave mentality'. I fully understand that I can't just permanently dwell in a slave mentality, but did the shove into the real world need to happen so immediately and so starkly?

The undeniable equation is that a slave needs a Master/Owner. A Master goes about getting a 'slave', if that is their inclination. Off the Master goes to the slave market, or whatever, and buys himself a slave fit for purpose - pretty, enticing, useful; easy to train to desired specification. (In the trance I don't know where I came from exactly, but the hypnotist accompanied me back to ancient times and took me to his expansive home where slaves abounded, and I was trained and prepared for Ownership. Always welcome back to visit the girls, the gardener and cook who regularly used me, of course.)

But what if it is the other way around? Does a slave go looking for a Master? Sure, sometimes that is going to happen, but what about transforming a husband into a Master or Owner, somewhat permanently? Can that really happen? 

It's taken me this long to acknowledge my deepest desires and here I am with a husband not at all well and, should he have married just about anyone but me, would never in his wildest dreams thought of going about having his own 'slave'. Now, what to do?

I have been thinking about this in a practical way. What needs to happen here? One might consider a Contract. Your responsibilities are this and mine are that. I want this and you want that. I fail to do this and that means you need to do that. Like that.

I think there is a step here that hasn't been considered. Once upon a time, my husband enjoyed 'scenes' with me. He'd have expectations, things he wanted to do, usually to achieve pleasure for me and thus himself. There was a lot of dopamine flying about and thus in daily life, it was all pretty smooth. I sought to please him. He rode that high for himself. All good.

That was a long time ago now when we were playing for mutual pleasure. My husband became unwell, and although we made it up the mountain of D/s pleasure every now and again, we spent much more time down in the valley. It's much, much harder this time for things to be spontaneous about this situation. The last dozen years have been very wearing on both of us and on the relationship.

What I know is that this slave can't wait for her Master to devise her curriculum, her daily tasks, her expectations. I think that might be a 'Waiting for Godot' situation and we all know how that turned out.

He's been advised that all slaves need 'training' but where's the manual for that? So, I bought myself 'Dom's Guide to Submissive Training' by Elizabeth Cramer and next step I think is to summarize it for my husband. Boy, she's tough, but I get off on listening to that audio. I may have listened to it four times now.

Although the next step is to devise a Contract, I think you have to have some idea of all this before you can begin to know what to write down, what to discuss; whether this is even going to work for the two of us.

Is he prepared to put the time aside? Does he think he will enjoy the training? Should we do it in, say, two-hour intervals when we get the time? Should there be protocols for a 24-hour period? Can we accept, both of us, he may need to be tough at first? And how, can we smoothly make the transition from that world to the real world where we need to have our heads about us?

I came across a good article by Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes entitled 'Dominant and Submissive Relationships - Top 10 Rules to Follow. I think my husband needs suggestions for the revised relationship and I have offered him a few suggestions. 

I like the idea of sitting below him when watching television. I like the floor and I like the slave feeling this gives me, always have.

I like the idea of learning some positions and being asked to get into those positions using the number. It's just a weird turn on I have used a lot in fantasy. I think one correspondent mentioned it many years ago and I never forgot it.

Snipes suggests, 'Make Master proud'. Yes, love this. I am seriously considering a short course to prepare myself for part time employment, as an example, and he has given his support for that, would be proud of me. I would thrive on receiving praise. 

'I speak, you obey'. God, yessss, that's such a turn on.

It's a pity this is all happening at this busy time of year. You need plenty of down time to get this established, to do the communicating and sharing of ideas. Without his participation, all I have is fodder for fantasy and endless unrequited desire.

I so want this to happen. 

It would make me so happy. I also think it would make him happy too.

And, most importantly, us.

Note: The image above is a photo of a card that was left by my mat whilst I was meditating in a group this evening, after writing this. It felt right to include it in this post today. 

Grateful

 The yoga teacher asked us on the mat to think of three things that we were grateful for right now. My mind went to: I am grateful for this day. I am grateful to be here in this studio on this mat. I am grateful my body is flexible and that I am getting stronger all the time.

As I sit here at my desk, I am grateful for friendship. Let me tell you about two things that immediately spring to mind.

1. I am grateful for the friendship of my friend on death row in Alabama. I received, a day after my birthday, the most beautiful handmade birthday card from him. I recall opening the envelope, the normal standard size letter envelope, the kind he always uses, and noting that it was a little thicker than usual. 

I wondered for a moment if he had sent me perhaps a pamphlet, something about the prison. My mind never conjured a birthday card. So, when I released it from the envelope, a card that had been measured to exactly fit, and saw the work he had put into it, the drawing, the amazing colouring and shading, and inside the message, my heart just melted.

Some people just don't get a break. B had the most horrendous childhood and was on his own from his early teens, finding shelter where he could, some food where he could. When he recalls those days, it's the kindness of strangers that pops into his head; people who offered him some shelter or gave him some food. 

He never meant to do what he did. It was simply a moment of madness, of fear, of addled thinking. There but for the grace of God go I.

He's a joy in my life, the most big, beautiful heart of a man, and I am honored to call him my friend.

2. I don't like to preempt anything, I have done this earlier this year and been proved wrong, but I think I have lost another distant friend; I think the first kinky friend I ever made. He has been such an incredibly reliable correspondent and suddenly, he is missing in action. He could be in hospital or something, I might out of the blue hear from him and he's been away selling a manuscript or something. It could entirely be a false alarm. But the days are dragging out now, so the signs aren't good.

He said to me a little while ago, maybe a year ago, he was worried if something happened to him that I wouldn't know. I said not to worry because when Deity died, he came, in spirit, to let me know that it was good between us, before he vanished for good. And, so if he died, I would also surely know.

But there's been no visit. Just this ominous feeling that sits in my bones.

So, today I am grateful for his many years of friendship and support. 

Goodness, but getting old has its challenges.

Adendum: Okay, that's a relief, he just checked in, must have sensed my concern.

Training

 There's an opportunity my husband and I have currently to reinvigorate our marriage via the introduction of a third party, for a time. It wouldn't be anything permanent at all; just some 'training' for want of a better word, on both sides of the equation.

Individually, we have both been quite open and optimistic about this idea, but as the time draws nearer to commit, we are discussing it in all its complexity. I think this is a normal and healthy thing to do, if for no other reason than it could easily go horribly wrong.

At the end of the day, we are both reasonably conservative people. We have not had the experience of multiple play partners, of play parties, scene events, or even munches. The desire for any of that has not been there, so there's a little apprehension in partnering with someone with differing experiences and views. On the other hand, what conservative person would you ever expect to find who could partner you in such an endeavor?

My husband has brought up the fact that there's a real possibility that a girl trained by a third party could 'fall' for that person and think about that person long after the training is complete. I agree. I suspect many girls have found a training experience profound enough to have feelings for the trainer. 

I was initially concerned about this as well, but I am now confident that this would not happen. I can't go into why I think this in this journal (which can be read by anyone. Oh, hello!), but let's just leave it at the understanding within myself that I've developed enough strength of character to not allow that. I see the motivations and intentions clearly, the professional approach adopted many times over, and this 'professionalism' keeps emotions clean and tight.

I would suggest that for some couples, they need to really consider it as a possibility, however. The question has to be asked, why aren't you training the girl yourself? Deity thought the idea unnecessary for his girl, but in his union, he was far more attuned to what he wanted to achieve; had thought about it and made it a study. 

We have asked ourselves this question and came to the conclusion that first time round, we sort of made it up as we went. We didn't really know what we were doing in any sort of detailed approach. We're looking for something sustainable, something that uplifts us both and provides a lot of joy, and this arrangement seems like a way to get the thing up and running with a sort of neutral third party who can professionally set the thing up for success. So far, so good.

Let me preempt the next comments by saying that I've grown a lot as a person in the last several years. The events of our lives demanded that, but so too did I seek out paths for growth. 

I am a kinesthetic meditator and perhaps a kinesthetic learner. I hate reading instructions and would rather just be shown how to do something, so that explains my choice of interests and study, at least partially. I have been aware of that for a long time.  In my meditative state and in my imagination or in a trance, I now know, I am living the experience. I am not watching myself. I am part of the experience. 

I have often wondered why I get such strong messages from my body and maybe that explains it. I have done hundreds of hours of formal dance training and I have always been someone who has gone to movement classes - step classes, or aerobic training or weight bearing classes, Pilates and Yoga. Maybe it's all this, combined with meditation, I don't really know, but I get very strong bodily responses.

I am aware of a trigger point still sitting in my body; a land mine that sit there that can go off when triggered. I am excruciatingly aware of it, because when it is triggered, the experience disrupts both my body and my state of mind. I get angry first, a gut reaction that wells up from the pit of my stomach and wants to verbally 'vomit' all over the person who has incited the trigger.

I think the landmine is about justice, I didn't bloody do anything to incite the trigger words and I'm not going to lie down and take it. Except, I do. Once the anger has subsided a bit, I get incredibly sad, and that sadness takes me to the floor. But you can't keep me down on the floor for long because I need to move, and so I revert to anger because anger has some fluidity about it. Anger gets you up and going.

It's this landmine that sits in my body that makes me especially wary of any sort of 'training' process. I strongly suspect that if I felt a sense of injustice or disrespect (and that's likely to happen in a training process, right?) I strongly doubt I could resist telling the offending party to get f**ked and to hit the road.

So, I did some reading about training a submissive this morning - the conditioning, the positive and negative reinforcement, the operant conditioning, the intermittent reinforcement. Nothing caused me more distress in the past than intermittent reinforcement, which I think is a form of evil. Yet, this is all part and parcel of the training process, so it seems. Do I want that? Is that all necessary to get to the highs of wonderful intimacy and pleasure?? I'm no expert but it sounds so manipulative and not always in a good way.

My husband reminds me that I loved letting go into a submissive sexual mindset. Maybe it's worth it to experience some discomfort around these issues to get to where I want to go. Maybe.

We are both very comfortable with soft strategies. No problem there. I like the idea of an ankle bracelet, for example, that I wear when I want sexual attention. It's a sweet strategy to avoid miscues.

There's already been a lot of attention given to my independence. It's a bit galling, honestly, since I have become more and more independent of my husband all the time. Since he remains a workaholic, I had no choice but to be independent in various ways and that's bedded down. I really hope we're done with that subject material. Any more independent and I may as well call myself a single girl.

In this particular case, hypnosis is bound to be part and parcel of this process. Whatever I say or write now is likely to be overridden by the wonders of hypnosis used for sexual persuasion. It's not a fair playing field. Is that a good or bad thing? I am not completely sure, and I am smiling as I write this.

Here's the thing. We don't fit the usual model. We're mature adults. We're devoted to one another. We don't easily agree to the entry of a third party and we're probably relatively non-compliant. If we don't agree or like something, we aren't afraid to say so. For me, it has to feel right. I will mull anything and give it it's fair consideration, but if my body screams out to me 'this isn't right', I can't ignore those signals.

So, we're not easy, we get that. Perhaps, at some stage, I can review these thoughts and report that my concerns were ill founded, or that I don't even remember these objections. (Did I write that?) I hope so.

Gently, gently.

 There's something about the one-year anniversary of an event that stirs the emotions. There is a real temptation to relive the event, and if it was sad, to be sad all over again.

I lost a very special friend in Deity. He was the place I went to for comfort and support. Whilst I felt, and rightly so, that it would not be good policy to share some of my inner thoughts with people in my life on the ground, he would listen to me say anything. 

That's not to say he didn't challenge me on occasion but what I got out of it, on reflection, was someone who offered me unconditional love. I had flaws. He had flaws. But he saw that as all to be expected of a human being. So, he forgave quickly. On my end, I could be upset about a conversation, but conflict wasn't something that he felt stood in the way of a good relationship.

So, disagreeable words were said. That was then. Now let's get on with being good friends. This was his policy. To this end, any disruption in communication was, by and large, simply waited out. He saw women, I think, as sort of flighty and driven by emotions, and it was a process with an end.

The hypnotic sessions my husband has had, shook things up and out. He feels so much lighter, and this has enabled dialogues never before had, now even encouraged. So, this morning I said to him that it was about the time when Deity died last year, and it has brought up a lot of emotions. 

Since I have never been able to share with him, or anyone, what actually happened I was afforded the opportunity to tell a living soul that while he was holed up in a hotel I would call him, check in as to whether he had eaten; remind him of the number he could call to get some food delivered.

I was talking to him one day when he told me he had fallen in the street and not one person had come to his aid. He checked to see that he had all his teeth. This was the same man who had begun an organisation at the grass roots and turned it into a national organisation; the man who had made dozens of strong friendships but who was now alone and with no access to his own money.

Alcohol, or any other substance taken to excess is so often self-medication for intolerable emotional pain and anxiety, and so it was. It was incredibly personally painful to watch and yet I felt there was no choice. I never have, and I hope I never will, go through such a gut-wrenching personal sorrow to see him drink himself to death. Yet, as he reminded me, this was his decision to make, not mine.

He was a bit of a devil. It's one of the first things I said to him.  He was also a lot like an angel. He had a foot in both camps and let's be honest, I loved that. 

It's these experiences with Deity, along with other knowings that currently make me quite wary of dominant men generally. It wouldn't be wrong to say that I have an antenna out for those that 'play'. I pick things up in conversation and I bristle. Not that I have hardly any conversations with dominant men, but on the odd occasion, for particular reasons.

Is it common, I don't know if it is or not, to refer to a woman, with submissive inclinations, a 'subject'? Deity used to say to me that I put too much stock in words; read too much into them. But, subject? Is that really necessary, and if it is, what does that say about the person using the word? I try not to judge, but seriously?

I have never had a moment's interest in the kink scene. It's not the way I want to express myself. So, there's a lot of material out there that simply isn't relatable to me.

I am starting to wonder if the term 'submissive' actually describes me. From the get-go, I wanted a marriage that remained, however long, a passionate coupling. I wanted to support and be supported. I wanted to create a loving family. I am starting to wonder if the kinkiness is starting to fade, and if mutual happiness and exploration in all sorts of ways, including sex within intimacy, is my aspiration. 

Gently, gently.

Prana

 It is no burden for me to be in silence, as readers of this online journal would already know. To the contrary, it is required, if I am to find my bliss. 

I am fortunate beyond words to have a home close to the ocean to which I can sometimes travel and live in silence for a few days at a time. Yesterday on the highway whilst travelling here I passed a sign that said that the road where I would pass was closed. I rang my husband in the car, and he rang the local store who confirmed there had been an incident three hours earlier. 

Google Maps told me to take a diversion, away from the coastal road and up to the high country, so to speak, along gorgeous countryside and eventually through a forest.

The incident was of course, most unfortunate, but it provided me with the delight of new terrain; beautiful green verdant land and then the wonder of driving through a forest almost alone. I couldn't make out why there were so few cars, but it was almost as if God looked down and said, 'No, no, it's fine, I knew you needed this.'

With maybe half an hour to the house, I saw a glimmer of the ocean, and my heart skipped a beat. I have been travelling to this part of the world all my life and yet it felt for the first time. The ocean was still and the softest blue. 

Once descended, I came to the Great Ocean Road, turned left and was reminded that in this stretch of the Road, it hugged the ocean, the beach, reminding me of stretches of road that led to the Coromandel Peninsula in New Zealand, where I went for a meditation retreat.

I am not sure if the world had gone quiet with so few people on a weekend out and about, or if it was I who had gone quiet. What I want to convey is that my mind had become 'a beginner's mind' and it was as if I was seeing everything for the first time.

I stopped off at the General Store for a few necessities and then to the house. When I arrive, I can never resist walking first around the garden. I said out loud, 'I love it here so much'.

Last night, I didn't want television. Instead, I went through the many CDs in the house, boxing the vast majority of them to give to charity. As much as I might pine for a John Denver tune every now and then, I can find that on Spotify. So, instead, I turned onto my saved tunes on Spotify and danced and danced.

Although I had bought food, I wasn't in the mood for it and instead drank red wine, some goat cheese on dried rice crackers, and an apple.

Every last thing I did was to savour my soul. It almost wasn't a decision. It was innate; intuitive. 

This morning I unpacked some books I had brought down and discovered I had brought a book about readings for yoga teachers, so I took it to back to bed and read the following:

'What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.' Crowfoot, Northern American.

And this, by Osho, the person by whom I entered the world of meditation and quiet contemplation:

"You can enter yoga, or the path of yoga only when you are totally frustrated with your own mind as it is. If you are still hoping that you can gain something through your mind, yoga isn't for you."

And how about this by Deepak Chopra:

In this short life, 'we have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment, but it is transient. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other and then this moment will have been worthwhile.'

Later today, my husband will undergo hypnosis and I have confidence that he will eventually be unburdened from a worried mind. He takes his responsibilities seriously, and of course as adults we must take our responsibilities seriously, but there must also be regular time for the unburdening of the mind. 

He's a good and kind man at the core. You can put down your burdens in nature, and he can put down his burdens in nature, but it's exciting to think that he could, quite simply, put down his burdened mind and rest more completely in wonder and a state of peace. This is how you heal.

Meditation and mental health

 I have been asked to lead a meditation for a group of people who are training in Mental Health. I thought it might be of help to someone reading here too if I try to pull some thoughts together here.

- Meditation isn't about following a set of rules. Just as in a yoga class, you are likely to be told to follow your own instincts and to make the class your own, so it is with a meditation session, either in a group or alone. If you don't feel comfortable at any time following your breath, put your attention on something else - the sounds outside the room, the parts of your body connecting with the seat or meditation cushion; whatever will allow you to be present.

- We need to feel grounded in a meditation, we need to be in our bodies. As much as we might use visualization, or manifesting, or any other sort of mind state in a meditation, we also need to be aware of our feet on the ground, so to speak. Should thoughts or internal mind states overwhelm, it's right to return to the body sitting in meditation. What parts of the body are in connection with the meditation seat or cushion? Where are the hands and what are they feeling? How do the feet feel? What feels comfortable in the body and what feels uncomfortable, and can I float between the two states? Do I feel light or heavy, and can I feel both light and heavy at the same time? Whatever the questions you use, be curious about the body's experience and you will start to re-ground yourself.

- Be aware that as much as you can experience relaxation in the body, the more likely it is your mind will begin to relax and be restored. Put plenty of time into relaxing your body. Take some long deep breaths, perhaps holding the breath for a second or two before letting all the breath go. Repeat a few times before you return to your natural state of breathing; what feels right for you. Place your attention on various parts of your body, a body scan. It's wonderful when you can be guided through this, but you can guide yourself when alone too.

-Curiosity and kindness towards oneself are key. Whether one has been meditating for decades or whether this is the first time, there will be meditations where difficult material comes up in the mind. It may be a racing mind, or thoughts may spill over one another, or there's a nasty memory, or doubt about a decision, or an argument plays itself out all over again. The possibilities are endless. 

Thoughts can be troubling. Yet, if one can get curious about the material being generated by the mind in stillness, it becomes more like watching a movie. We feel some distance from the material, making the material, however that goes, far more tolerable. We can channel and train our thoughts to some extent of course, but we can't really make the mind think only wonderful and beautiful thoughts and not unpleasant and disturbing thoughts. So, knowing this, that we don't have a well thought out perfectly written script for the mind to follow, we can simply get curious. What's going on for you today, mind? You may find you let out a little giggle at times at how warped the mind can be. So be it. We're human.

Whatever the material going on, always be kind to yourself. Nothing is more important than this. Congratulate yourself, over and over, if necessary, for showing up for yourself in this way and in having the courage to do so. Be patient with yourself, too. If the meditation last three minutes only, well done you. Maybe next time you will be comfortable for sitting still and meditating for four minutes. This isn't a race. This is, purely and simply, time with yourself.

About being kind to yourself, take any instructions you are given by a meditation guide or teacher with a grain of salt. If someone requests that you keep your eyes closed, and at some point you desperately want to open them, then open them. Maybe look about the room, until you desire to close them again, or to focus on a point in the room. We are all different and especially those who are currently not experiencing good mental health, we need to honour where we at today.

- It's very important to understand that, as much as it might be good to have our minds focus on the breath, our minds are meant for variety, so I think it's inevitable that our minds are going to wander. If that wandering leads to a happy memory, or the love of another person, or what we are thinking of having for dinner, then it's all good. Who is to say thinking about lunch choices is a bad thing? When ready, feel back into the breath, or the sounds outside the room, or the feel of your tongue sitting on the roof of your mouth; whatever. Come back home.

Keep returning back home as often as you can. No judgment. Start again as often as necessary. There's nothing wrong with that.

- According to the Internal Family Systems model there are 8 Cs and 5 Ps that make up the Self; your happy and healthy you.

They are: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage and connectedness. Presence, patience, perspective, persistence and playfulness. It is notable that meditation can both foster and reinforce all these qualities. 

- Finally, while there are many styles of meditation to be explored, I think the one to really experience is a meditation based on the work of people like Joe Dispenza. This sort of meditation will take you to a place of nothingness, where you are surrounded by deep space all around you. You're nothing; you don't have roles to fulfil, and no one expects anything of you. You remove all the troubled thoughts, all the dis-ease, even disease. My personal feeling is that time spent in this mind state is transformative.

- And to end, meditation will not cure mental illness on its own. Maybe somewhere someone was healed by meditation alone, but the suffering of the mind requires a skilled therapist to assist that person. Meditation does however allow an openness of mind over time, an ability to be with the mind, and to explore the content of the mind. It's a wonderful adjunct to those in the field assisting those looking to overcome troubling mind states.

The hypnotist

 It's quite the task to try to describe in an online journal post the changes that have occurred in the past few weeks. All I can do is try.

I have undergone hypnosis. The first two sessions were foundational sessions where we worked on issues related to my childhood and the repercussions of things that didn't happen back then (as opposed to things that did happen).

I will try to put it as simply as I can. There was a 'part' of me that was left behind in my childhood, fragmented, not assimilated into my sense of Self. By the end of the first session, this had been completely healed. Three hours later, I was a new, much happier, lighter person. I can't begin to describe to you in words the relief I felt to have this monkey off my back.

We worked on my ability to say NO when I needed to, to love myself as much as I love others. Many things. It was a reworking of my belief systems. 

In the second session, it was about the inner child; that part of me that needed to be rescued, loved and cherished by me. She lives within me now; is praised and loved. How she flourishes with this sort of attention!

And then onto my sexual identity and sexual responses...

I am, authentically and naturally a sexually submissive woman who wants to serve, loves to serve. I radiate in praise and in being a 'good girl'. I don't need or want anything nasty in my life. But I do feel safe and loved in the submissive role led by a loving dominant man.  I want to be in a position to offer my strengths, to be of service, and to that end there is equality. We would, in an ideal scenario serve and love one another equally well.

Just to know this to the tips of my toes feels wonderful; to have clarity, to see it all clearly. This has been the greatest gift.

Girls just want to have fun

 The Parts work of IFS (Internal Family Systems) can be very useful for those with codependent behavior patterns. 

Codependents - people who tend to be enmeshed with other people - can be thought of quite simply as people who are trying to control their world. This can be due to circumstances in their childhood where parts of them were subdued as a protective mechanism to stop them from experiencing hurt.

Consider the young child with all the parts of the plural mind intact. The child displays curiosity and creativity. The child feels connected to at least one adult in his or her life. There's also the display of a degree of courage and compassion. There's clarity about what he or she wants.

As time goes by, the world interfaces with children and sometimes they get the idea that some core elements of the Self need to come up to the fore and some elements of the Self needs to be subdued. It's a protective mechanism we employ when things are not right. 

In my case, I probably felt the need to employ some behaviors and thoughts to protect myself from being hurt or feeling rejected, or lonely. A sense of being independent thus came to the fore; being able to manage on one's own; to please those adults in one's life who found it convenient and agreeable that I was able to manage independently of them.

If you have needed to people-please, competency is good in the eyes of your care givers, but they may not have wanted you to be too good, lest they felt not good about themselves. So, competency in the child there may be, but maybe not great self-esteem; maybe very weak boundaries.

Over much time, and when the adults in one's adult life also appreciate this independent, people-pleasing, weak boundary competency, those elements of oneself become over-used; tired.

It shouldn't come as a surprise when such a person reaches a point when he or she wonders what it is all about.

The solutions require those other parts that make up the Self to rise up and give those Parts that have been overworking for many a year a break. 

Which Parts you say? Well, with all this hard work and giving the other folks lots of space to go off and achieve while you do the work of caring for them, connection could well be in need of some attention along with creativity, not to mention confidence.

Here's where Deity shined. He wasn't one for psychological mumbo jumbo, but he saw when a girl thought too much and worked too much.

He devised tools to help her lose her mind and focus on pleasure for a time.

Connected. Cared for. Curious. Confident. Courageous and Clear.

Yes, for sure, someone with codependent tendencies needs to work towards interdependency (meeting each other's emotional and physical needs in relationship) but I think it bears reminding that balance of core elements of Self is vital. 

To put it simply: Girls just want to have (some) fun. 

Befriend yourself.

 It might be a confronting thought for some people. I know it was for me, until I embraced the wisdom therein. It's this. Regardless of companions along the way - spouses, children, extended families, business associates and random people we meet as we go about living out our days - we walk the path of our individual lives alone.

We carry on a dialogue with ourselves, critique ourselves, berate ourselves and tap ourselves on the back. Regardless of what we say to other people, we know internally how we are doing; if we are proud of ourselves, or scared, or lonely, or fearful, or if we know it's time for something new.

In essence, we compete against no-one but ourselves. Really let that statement land.

We can keep eternally busy and maybe these thoughts may never come up. But, they will. They do. We all, at the least, have dark nights of the soul whether we choose such reflections or not.

I try to keep it simple here in the journal; try to narrow it down to one idea even when my brain is flooded with thoughts. So let me tell you about the pain in my left shoulder area; this almost constant nagging pain that has been there for years.

It's an injury, I am told. It's arthritis, I am told. It's where you hold your emotional pain, I am told. There's some truth to all this analysis.

Yet, something deep in the psyche whispered to me that I had some power over the pain. What gave me hope was that in a deeply relaxed state at a retreat a few years back, I left the retreat pain free.

When I returned to my life, the pain returned with me, but what I had realized was that injury or not, arthritis or not, mental pain or not, it was possible to be pain free.

I read widely and so I can't say exactly where my inspiration stemmed from exactly, but a few days ago I found myself in conversation with my body. It was a yoga-free period as I nursed a sore back muscle and instead of going to a class, I was doing some simple yoga movements at home. 

I found myself saying internally, 'It's okay body. You and I are on the same team. You don't need to keep giving me signals. I'm looking after me now.'

I cannot take full credit for the vast improvement in my shoulder area since I did have an acupuncture treatment last week. Still, something's changed, profoundly changed in my relationship with the pain. To not get too weird, I acknowledged it; acknowledged what it might be doing to help me, in its strange sort of way. I talked back to it, offered to be in consort with it, and in doing so, found relief, a truce of sorts.

To see myself as the star of my own life; as the one walking solo through my own life (together with companions, of course) was to remove anyone else being responsible for my well-being. This provided me with a lightness of being. (Note: I should say I have been listening to Worthiness recordings from richsmithhypnosis.com and highly recommend them)

I can honestly say that if I had an easy sort of path, someone who offered me the kind of attention and affection I have always craved, a comfortable life, I would have stayed in my comfortable lane. What reason would there have been to leave? Who can blame those with blessed lives for thinking that life is about being comfortable; more and more comfortable?

I once asked a wise woman what I should do now? At my stage of life, what would make a difference? She suggested I should not feel burdened by a need to seek to do more; if something comes, let it come, she said, but don't force it.

I took that advice, awaiting patiently a sign of where I could do better, or more. After trauma, first you have to heal yourself. Then, you can take your healed self beyond. That's the stage I am at; actively seeking to venture further and further outside my comfort zone; to see what I am capable of.

It's some old saying, isn't it - that the solution lies within?

A recent acquaintance likes to say, 'If you can't be happy without her, you can't be happy with her.'

Using fewer words, I suggest, 'Befriend yourself.'

Befriend all parts of yourself and be comfortable with the truth: that you are a work in progress, as you should be, and always were.

This is fine.

 Over time it has become clear to me that as someone with an anxious attachment style - a strong desire to connect with other significant people in my life - my efforts have been to try to work out 'the other'. This, I have come to realize is a common trait in those with an anxious attachment style. We tend to feel that we have some power over the other person to effect change in them; to make them more ideal for us. In some small ways, perhaps we can encourage them to be their best, but overall, we can't change another person. This is a very important lesson.

Once this is accepted, there is a form of liberation. It opens doors because now there is space to explore oneself more, to note one's own thoughts and emotions; one's own needs and wants. Here is where one can definitely have influence and effect change. Here is where real progress and joy can take place.

Many books and endless Instagram posts are written and produced on this subject matter. The books are inclined to explain the psychology of this situation and then the second half tends to be devoted to convincing the reader as to the veracity of focusing on oneself and how to go about that project.

The 'how to do it' isn't at all difficult. It's convincing the reader of the fact that this is the correct path. This doesn't happen in a reading. An anxious attachment style is so entrenched in the subconscious that the remedy seems like someone is trying to extract your teeth without sedation. It's not a path one goes down hopping and skipping. Convincing a person of their own worthiness is no small feat.

Eventually, step by step, it starts to feel more 'normal'. To listen to your own gut, to notice red flags, to note what attracts you; what sets you back; what makes you feel disconnected.

The interesting aspect of this path is that one comes to see over time that befriending oneself truly is the right thing to do. Intuition becomes your guide. Bits of yourself, such as the inner critic start to become dormant and the Self, that grown up leader of the tribe becomes the dominant voice. 

If no-one is stepping up for you, it is no longer a matter of feeling aggrieved or despondent because you are there for yourself.  There's a sense of it that if you were stranded on a deserted island your chances of survival are greater. You have become used to sorting out novel problems and being dogged about finding answers. You are just a lot stronger in every way.

This in no way precludes embracing any and all opportunities for connection with other people but rather means that regardless of whether or not these opportunities present themselves, you know you will be fine. One of my mantras is quite simply, 'This is fine', and so it is.

Attachment styles

 We go into our adulthood with either a healthy or unhealthy attachment style. I veer towards an anxious attachment style. That is to say, relationships are important to me, and I can be anxious about the situation when the relationship in question is not in good order.

The other type of unhealthy attachment style is an avoidant attachment style - dismissive or fearful. In this situation the person requires considerable time on his or her own, perhaps to pursue goals, or just to nurse anxiety, for there is no doubt in my mind that those with an avoidant attachment style are also prone to be anxious.

The work to be done with someone with an anxious attachment style is personal. It's about being able to regulate oneself, whilst having realistic expectations of the other. Since anxious attachment people tend to be attracted to avoidant attachment people, and vice versa, growing strong on the inside and having a bagful of tools to take into the relationship interaction is what I work on.

For those who have come into adulthood with an avoidant style, there is likely to be less availability for personal growth. It's part of their story that relying on others is weak. Self-reliance tends to be a source of pride. So, learning to be better at relating to the other, especially in times of stress or worry, is the work that has to be done. 

Since one person is likely to be interested in relationship improvement and thus personal growth, and the other may struggle to even understand or be interested in what part they play in the partnership's health, the work tends to fall on one person predominantly.

This isn't fair, for it should be that two people work together to solve a difficulty in the partnership. It isn't fair, but it is reality much of the time.

As a family member in the mental health space will remind me, you can't just look through one lens, through the attachment style lens in this case, to explain and rectify issues in a partnership. There are many reasons why people act as they do.

However, I have found being aware of attachment styles, and my attachment style in particular to be of the utmost value to me as I work my way to a healthy attachment style. There were a number of steps to this change within me and to how I relate. In future posts, I will explore them, one at time.