This is fine.

 Over time it has become clear to me that as someone with an anxious attachment style - a strong desire to connect with other significant people in my life - my efforts have been to try to work out 'the other'. This, I have come to realize is a common trait in those with an anxious attachment style. We tend to feel that we have some power over the other person to effect change in them; to make them more ideal for us. In some small ways, perhaps we can encourage them to be their best, but overall, we can't change another person. This is a very important lesson.

Once this is accepted, there is a form of liberation. It opens doors because now there is space to explore oneself more, to note one's own thoughts and emotions; one's own needs and wants. Here is where one can definitely have influence and effect change. Here is where real progress and joy can take place.

Many books and endless Instagram posts are written and produced on this subject matter. The books are inclined to explain the psychology of this situation and then the second half tends to be devoted to convincing the reader as to the veracity of focusing on oneself and how to go about that project.

The 'how to do it' isn't at all difficult. It's convincing the reader of the fact that this is the correct path. This doesn't happen in a reading. An anxious attachment style is so entrenched in the subconscious that the remedy seems like someone is trying to extract your teeth without sedation. It's not a path one goes down hopping and skipping. Convincing a person of their own worthiness is no small feat.

Eventually, step by step, it starts to feel more 'normal'. To listen to your own gut, to notice red flags, to note what attracts you; what sets you back; what makes you feel disconnected.

The interesting aspect of this path is that one comes to see over time that befriending oneself truly is the right thing to do. Intuition becomes your guide. Bits of yourself, such as the inner critic start to become dormant and the Self, that grown up leader of the tribe becomes the dominant voice. 

If no-one is stepping up for you, it is no longer a matter of feeling aggrieved or despondent because you are there for yourself.  There's a sense of it that if you were stranded on a deserted island your chances of survival are greater. You have become used to sorting out novel problems and being dogged about finding answers. You are just a lot stronger in every way.

This in no way precludes embracing any and all opportunities for connection with other people but rather means that regardless of whether or not these opportunities present themselves, you know you will be fine. One of my mantras is quite simply, 'This is fine', and so it is.