Attachment styles

 We go into our adulthood with either a healthy or unhealthy attachment style. I veer towards an anxious attachment style. That is to say, relationships are important to me, and I can be anxious about the situation when the relationship in question is not in good order.

The other type of unhealthy attachment style is an avoidant attachment style - dismissive or fearful. In this situation the person requires considerable time on his or her own, perhaps to pursue goals, or just to nurse anxiety, for there is no doubt in my mind that those with an avoidant attachment style are also prone to be anxious.

The work to be done with someone with an anxious attachment style is personal. It's about being able to regulate oneself, whilst having realistic expectations of the other. Since anxious attachment people tend to be attracted to avoidant attachment people, and vice versa, growing strong on the inside and having a bagful of tools to take into the relationship interaction is what I work on.

For those who have come into adulthood with an avoidant style, there is likely to be less availability for personal growth. It's part of their story that relying on others is weak. Self-reliance tends to be a source of pride. So, learning to be better at relating to the other, especially in times of stress or worry, is the work that has to be done. 

Since one person is likely to be interested in relationship improvement and thus personal growth, and the other may struggle to even understand or be interested in what part they play in the partnership's health, the work tends to fall on one person predominantly.

This isn't fair, for it should be that two people work together to solve a difficulty in the partnership. It isn't fair, but it is reality much of the time.

As a family member in the mental health space will remind me, you can't just look through one lens, through the attachment style lens in this case, to explain and rectify issues in a partnership. There are many reasons why people act as they do.

However, I have found being aware of attachment styles, and my attachment style in particular to be of the utmost value to me as I work my way to a healthy attachment style. There were a number of steps to this change within me and to how I relate. In future posts, I will explore them, one at time.