Contract awaits

 I await the Contract. No, it's not a legal contract and no lawyers are involved. Nevertheless, it seems like a lot of thought is going into the document, in spite of the fact that various iterations are expected to get it just right.

I made a small contribution. I was asked if I had any requests or ideas, and I made a note of them. I wanted to express what I saw as my role and the characteristics that make up that role in my mind. I wanted to express what I saw as his role. It's what the hypnotist refers to as the Keystone statement. 

I didn't have any deal breakers since we've been together quite long enough, I would say (48 years!), to trust that nothing is going to be a dealbreaker at this stage of the game.

I mentioned, very broadly, maybe there's a few things I could have at my disposal to key him in to me wanting attention without breaking the tenor of the Contract...

Maybe there's a list of 'go to' activities that he can know are welcome. Maybe not. I think they think that's not the way to go; maybe, apart from the obvious no-go zones, everything is a green sign. 

I thought a nighttime ritual would be cool, and the hynotist responded to that with an idea I like very much.

In other words, it's all up in the air, and it's kind of like some old show I used to watch where the owners of the house leave and the designers come in and make over your house. 

Not quite. It's a sort of a negotiation. I think.

Most of the time I can be patient about this, like a girl awaiting a proposal of marriage, maybe. You sort of know it will happen sometime soon, but you can't be sure. Is it tonight, or in three months? So, you just sort of await the other in some sort of suspended animation.

Half a week ago the hypnotist and I had a brief chat around the Contract, extending out the conversation to traverse the relationship that would result from it. I happened to mention that my submissive appetite was waaaaaay up and he said something rather surprising to me.

He said that a passionate force (me, I guess) required a strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards.

 I interpreted this as strictness, maybe because I was wayward. I tend to think that this sort of statement is directed towards someone who needs to be kept in her lane. David, my friend who died some years ago and was sort of like a father to me, said to me that he kept me in my lane, but that there were bumpers on the lane. So, I rolled like a ball from the left to the right but stayed in my lane. Never forgot that. I felt it was said endearingly.

No, no, no, the hypnotist assured me. It was not a derisive comment at all. His explanation is really worth reading carefully.

He said that there are three motivations for a person to want to express his or her submission. It could be devotional (love), positional (a desire to do things well) or transactional. I tended towards 40% for the first two and 20% for the third.  (He may have said 50% for the first two and zero for the last category. I know my husband thinks there is a negotiation side of me.) I remembered as he explained this that I knew this material from a podcast of his and we had even briefly discussed it months ago when we were first getting to know each other.

He made me an audio message and said that I was a person who wanted to do things well, that that mattered to me and so to "win" at my submission I needed a 'strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards'.

When he put it like that it was far more palatable. I didn't need to feel like I was 'bad' which is an insufferable thought or feeling for me. He was committed to explaining all this to me because he was not in any way criticizing me. That was comforting.

Since writing the last post and this post I have had wonderful sex and although I have no quarrel with the explanations above, I think really great sex goes an awfully long way to a girl being more than happy to follow the rules as laid out. I may be smiling as I write this, but we both know it's true.