The hypnotist

 It's quite the task to try to describe in an online journal post the changes that have occurred in the past few weeks. All I can do is try.

I have undergone hypnosis. The first two sessions were foundational sessions where we worked on issues related to my childhood and the repercussions of things that didn't happen back then (as opposed to things that did happen).

I will try to put it as simply as I can. There was a 'part' of me that was left behind in my childhood, fragmented, not assimilated into my sense of Self. By the end of the first session, this had been completely healed. Three hours later, I was a new, much happier, lighter person. I can't begin to describe to you in words the relief I felt to have this monkey off my back.

We worked on my ability to say NO when I needed to, to love myself as much as I love others. Many things. It was a reworking of my belief systems. 

In the second session, it was about the inner child; that part of me that needed to be rescued, loved and cherished by me. She lives within me now; is praised and loved. How she flourishes with this sort of attention!

And then onto my sexual identity and sexual responses...

I am, authentically and naturally a sexually submissive woman who wants to serve, loves to serve. I radiate in praise and in being a 'good girl'. I don't need or want anything nasty in my life. But I do feel safe and loved in the submissive role led by a loving dominant man.  I want to be in a position to offer my strengths, to be of service, and to that end there is equality. We would, in an ideal scenario serve and love one another equally well.

Just to know this to the tips of my toes feels wonderful; to have clarity, to see it all clearly. This has been the greatest gift.

My little girl

 I happened to hear a woman describe this morning her complete inability to befriend her inner child. Basically, her little girl self looks at the grown woman and wants to know why on earth would she trust the grown woman.

This brought to mind the evolving sense that I have had of my 'inner child'. At first, when I heard that term and the term 'self love' I had no idea at all what those words meant. I became curious about the terms and went in search of definitions and descriptions. It was still academic to me.

(I did, however, sometimes embody her. I felt the vulnerability, the sweetness, the purity and innocence of her, long before I understood of her official existence within me. I had thought, for decades, it was my immaturity.)

In a meditative state, I tried to reach that younger part of me, and over time a young girl appeared in my mind's eye. She was me as I remember me at about eight years old. She had blond hair and was wearing it in plaits, just as I used to do at that time.

I couldn't help but notice that the little girl was inert, incapable of moving a muscle. Her arms were by her sides and she didn't make eye contact with me or anyone or anything else. She simply stared straight ahead. She spoke not a word or sound.

It went this way for many months. No words, no attempt to accept touch or comfort. She just stood there in the same spot in the place she lived, very close to the back door.

I offered the little girl an opportunity to come and live with me; to experience affection and joy. There was nothing left for her here, I said. No change. But, maybe she was listening, because one day there was a tentative smile, and she allowed a hug.

I promised her a wonderful home; loads of love and acceptance. I did this consistently, not expecting too much; giving her her time to develop trust in me.

One day, she agreed, and off she skipped to live with me, the grown woman. 

My heart swelled.

All that is a couple of years ago; pre Covid.

Last week, or the week before that, I was coming to the end of aYin Yoga class, deeply relaxed and completely embodied. And, out of the blue, without any conscious attempt by me I found myself saying (silently) to the little girl exactly these words:

"I love you. I love you dearly."

If you do the work, good things do happen.

Considering the future

We tend to have our own individual versions of how to make a better world. I think that relates to how we see the world and how we see ourselves. The more extroverted, global thinkers tend to take the political track. I don't dismiss that as a powerful course of action...best funding for good quality day care, tax incentives for families, access to excellent education for all children and so on.

In my case, I continue to believe that it starts with the children, at the grassroots level. You can have all the policies in the world about children and for children but if they are neglected by their parents, you have a real problem. The simple fact is that parents need to spend time with their children, listening to them and talking to them. It is a basic and fundamental right of children that they have the attention of their parents and that they are given permission to be themselves and to be accepted as their authentic selves.

I spent the day with my daughter yesterday, a treat for me since she has a very busy life. Over lunch she talked of wanting a family soon. She's a teacher. She can neither afford, nor wants to give up her career completely, but having seen children in child care situations at school she doesn't really want that for her children. Most of the people at school with children of their own have grandparents involved with child care, she says.

'Well, I'm good for a day a week,' I told her.
'But, it's a long way to come,' she said.
'Well, I can manage. And, I wouldn't just stay at home. I'd take the child/children to the park or to a music group or to a movement class, or for a picnic, or to the library. We'd get out and do things; have experiences.'

You see, I don't like the thought of my young grandchildren in child minding situations either. If I have oodles of them, well, then I have to help  find the best child care, but I don't think I will have oddles of them and not all at once.

A step-brother of my husband has a 14 month old and last weekend I could have scooped him up a hundred times and smothered him in kisses; breathed in his scent. But, that's not how he wanted to interact with me, preferring to study me; to hold one of my fingers or gaze into my eyes, or hold my necklace. He wanted to be held and touched by his mother and his father, mostly.

 I'm just so darn ready to interact with a little being again, but I had to hold back. The older kids (6 and 4) wanted to chat and that's fun too. Funny how the 6 year old went to each person for something different. He's desperate for my older son to rouse him up; hold him upside down; scare him.

If kids experience neglect, for whatever reason, fantasy becomes more important to them than reality, because the brain does that; creates in some way a place where the need is fulfilled. Too much time alone as a child and the early opportunities to relate to people are taken away, making fantasy seem soothing; changing the way the mind feels and keeping the fantasy alive as a joyful and soothing experience.

This feeling about fantasy can be taken into adulthood making them vulnerable in their relationships. It's not at all a good outcome and what we don't want as a society is a society of adults who are trying to overcome the neglect of their childhood. People wonder about the 'bout' of narcissism these days, but it didn't just arrive out of nowhere.

It's strange too how some people think being there is parenting when what parenting really is is being present for the child in a mindful way. Like, stop what you are doing and listen; really listen. That is important to do at any age. That's the best present you can give: your time.

In my opinion the damage of early neglect has far more palpable repercussions than anything else. I don't dismiss the danger of a narcissistic, self-involved President, or of a culture that praises possession over the more meaningful aspects of life. However, there are billions of people in the world who come into the world individually, dependent on those who brought them into the world. The real power lies in individuals taking that responsibity very seriously.

Imagine if we put the focus on the children. Imagine the world then.

Awareness

For those people who sometimes find themselves stepping on invisible emotional landmines when in conversation with their spouse and wonder what to do to make communication better, I cannot recommend more highly The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody.

Many times over four decades I have found myself in the company of an irate and distressed husband in response to something I have unwittingly said. Over time I watched more and more carefully what I said, how I said it and when I said it, but these confusing and upsetting exchanges continued regardless.

In the same vein, I think I have been confusing to talk with too. If something that is said triggers a certain feeling, then the conversation becomes not about the words but about the feeling the words evoke, whether that was the intention or not at all the intention.

I began in more recent times to look for answers, both as to what was happening within me and what was happening within him. I determined that I had a sensitivity to any statements that conjured a feeling of abandonment and of feeling a failure. I determined that he had a sensitivity to any signs of disrespect, of having made a mistake or of having been accused of being lazy.

I'll give an example. Last night I was exhausted. It was just the two of us for dinner and after dinner I made what I thought was an innocent remark, a sort of silly remark.

'Wouldn't you think that by 2016 someone would have devised a way to just press a button and the kitchen would be all cleaned up!'

'That's why people eat take away food,' he responded.

'No, I mean, to clean up the kitchen after making a meal.'

I can't relay his response because it went on for several minutes, a sort of tirade of me making cheap swipes at him, and how if I wanted help I should ask for it and how it was all about my family and the way I'd been brought up wrong. He was angry and defensive and very worked up. He began doing the dishes as he spewed out hurtful comments.

I only said that I didn't understand what had caused this upset and please sit down and have a cup of tea and I'd do the dishes later, but this didn't help.

I left the room, drew a bath and took 'The Intimacy Factor' with me. Using the index I found this:

'Maintaining boundaries takes energy. It requires being alert and ready to put our boundary skills to  work. Even though we may have had a fair amount of boundary practice, because we are perfectly imperfect human beings, the words of our partners will cause us to make up that we have been demeaned and we may feel pain, shame, anger or fear.'

Pia offers a technique to settle oneself down in this situation:

'When we have generated these emotions as a result of becoming improperly vulnerable, we rely on a technique to reduce the emotion and to keep it from infecting the air, thereby making our partner a victim of our carried energies...

She called this technique "breathing into the submission".

"We take a deep, slow breath and imagine the emotion we are feeling as having a bodily presence right before our eyes. Then we breathe into it and let it go. We imagine it passing right through us like a ghost. This way, we keep the emotion from becoming toxic, floating out into the air, and infecting our partner."

Pia explains that when we breathe out the emotion we feel we are learning a lesson in humility. That lesson is that we are never totally free of our traumatic past.

'We are not perfect, but we can be aware.'

I tried this strategy and felt instant relief. I know that my husband bears scars from what happened a half century ago and this reading helped me to see that whilst he will always carry those scars I can be aware and sensitive to those scars.

In the same way, I now know that I am sensitive to what I generally refer to as abandonment thoughts. Whilst not rational in my life today since I have loyalty, love and care from those who matter to me, sometimes a comment will invoke those old  and very painful feelings. I can imagine the feeling passing right through me in the same way. I recognize the importance of not letting the feeling become toxic and infecting the other, since I have allowed it to happen before and that's simply not fair.

We hold most of what happens to us in our sub-conscious. We can live in a sort of denial or dream world, devoid of awareness. But, I believe that you cannot defeat what you cannot see. To become aware of what ails us, what holds us back from happiness or peace or serenity, that's where the power lies. That is when progress is made.

Being noticed; noticing

It's so common these days to wear black. I do it myself. It is not only useful, to work around black in a wardrobe, but it's a safe and practical option. It allows people to melt into the crowd of a sea of dark colour. I have no idea if people think like that, to melt into the crowd, but that's the result. If you sit at a cafe and watch the people walk by, especially in cool climates, of course, there is a non-descriptiveness about the crowd.

I was walking along a street in a neighbourhood suburb recently when I noticed a red, raspberry to be exact, woolen dress in the window. Given the grey skies, mid-winter here, it caught my eye immediately. I really loved it. At the time, price was the inhibiting factor, but now it is on sale. I want that raspberry dress and yet I vacillate. I'd like to say that they are noble reasons. I can live without it. I can save the money. Both are good reasons for letting the raspberry dress go. Yet it's not at all expensive now, won't break the bank, and I've already imagined in my mind the times when I can enjoy wearing it, to go to a restaurant or a show in town, or for a dinner.  But here's the thing. How do you hide in the crowd in a raspberry woollen dress when all about you are wearing black?

I sat with this question. Why is that so confronting for me, to be seen, to be watched; to be noticed? Why do I fear that the microscope is turned on me and yet why do I have moments of pleasure in being aware that on this or that particular day, I feel good and thus I probably look good?

I wonder if it is a bit of perfectionism. If I am aware of my faults, I too may be worried that they are also obvious to others. Or, am I worried that I have now reached an age of invisibility? Am I wanting to wear  a raspberry dress to remind myself that I am still a living force; maybe a greater living force than I have been in the past. There is that push and pull of opposite notions: a fear of being noticed at the same time as there is a part of me that wants to be noticed.

Last week we attended a dinner and we were introducing ourselves to the other people at the round table; standing and shaking hands before we all took our respective places. There was a short woman who was to sit next to my husband  and she and I vaguely remembered one another from the past. 'I think we did Pilates together, didn't we?' I said. You could see the recognition come over her face. 'Oh, you're the woman we all envy; the flexible woman who can do anything.'

It always surprises me that anyone should be jealous of me or talk behind my back. I can't explain why I would think that I am some sort of exception, but I suppose it goes to the fact that I tend to think I am lacking in various ways and to live in my skin on some days is not an enviable state.

Yet, on other days, like yesterday, until about 5 pm, I think most people would have loved a piece of my disposition. I felt light and happy; cared for and loved. Driving along on the way to a family gathering, lunch, I felt full of love and even more so when the various generations of my side of the family shared a few happy and connecting hours together.

It's up and down, I know, when what I seek and aim for is stability and flow. I'm grateful for the good feelings, absolutely blessed, but wish I could short circuit the debilitating downs.

A young man ran into my car on the freeway yesterday afternoon. He stopped and put on his emergency lights but I made the decision to keep going because it would have been extremely dangerous for both of us to stay where we were. He followed me for about 20 minutes until he finally found an opportunity to indicate to move to a emergency space and we very civilly handled the matter. I shook hands with them both and they wished me a good weekend. I was shaking like a leaf but still, it's who I am, to try to cope and to contain any upset, and to be pleasant.

The accident was a reminder of how we as humans must be prepared for circumstances which can destabilize our nervous systems and do our best to return to stability. A friend of mine who was in a much more serious accident last year quite literally shook for weeks after the event. Being a spiritual person she had faith it was part of the recovery process but it's destabilizing to feel so shook up. I have come to loathe this sort of nervous system disruption.

We carry these wounds within us, don't we; wounds that are triggered all over again in some conversations and some situations. I read recently that we need to learn to love ourselves, including those parts of ourselves which we wish weren't there.

I suspect that it is via the skills I am garnering in the meditation process that leads me to a more aware state of my own moments of insecurity and feelings of failure. I have wondered lately if what I have done to date is to run from those aspects of myself that I don't like rather than to accept them as part of the package that is me, this self in this body, made up of strengths and weaknesses.

I have become more aware that certain people in certain relationships are more capable of triggering a painful experience or moment from my past, a pain that lingers in the body and the unconscious mind. It's not necessarily the case, or at all the case, that they did something wrong but rather that they stepped on a wound that had yet to heal. I've come to realize that this circumstance has less to do with them as it does with me and unconscious wounds.

I think that when this sort of self-knowledge starts to simmer up into the consciousness the best strategy is to be kind to oneself. You're a good person with wounds. Now that you know that; can see and feel the wounds, they are intensified. I suspect, however, that the intensification means that the wounds will heal faster.  I think you have to be prepared to go to the place of grief about some circumstance or event, but if you can manage that, the discomfort starts to lose its grip on you. Maybe the inner child is heard and heals.

Facets of my submissive personality

I've been wondering lately if there aren't a number of facets that make up a submissive woman. In my case, I've identified three main facets.

1) The inner slut. She's called 'cindi'. She can be seduced or aroused fairly easily although her level of arousal will vary from time to time, depending on the circumstances in which she finds herself. The more desired and accepted she is, the more she'll reveal the depths of that sluttiness. If she is called upon very regularly, well then this element of this submissive woman is prominent and constant; more or less shoves all the other facets to one side.

2) 'Girl'. She is the everyday entity; the person who goes about her days such that her submissiveness is more or less 'blind' to other people, except her Dominant, who can call on her service at any time of the day or night - not necessarily, or at all, related to her 'inner slut', but rather that understanding that she carries in her bones that she knows her place and that she has a boss.

3) L'il one. There's a child like element to my personality. I don't think this can be denied, otherwise why is an admonishment as natural to me as a teacher admonishing a child, a parent admonishing a child, or an owner admonishing a dog? I can feel small. I can desire protection and guidance. I adore to be tucked into bed, or told I can or can't have something. I crave the sort of unconditional love that comes with this element of my personality. I can do wrong but I can also be punished and forgiven.

Of course, as any other submissive woman reading this would know, or any other Dominant who understands what makes such women tick, it gets complicated. These facets can't necessarily be kept separated.

Approach 'l'il one' about her behaviour, tell her off and tell her she can't have anything sweet for a month, and once she's registered within her bones her anger with herself for getting herself into this mess, she'll be very aroused indeed. Is she 'l'il one' any more or has 'the slut' been prompted to make an appearance? Speak to "girl" and she may well have a lovely moment of registering her satisfaction of life in her little guilded cage. Suddenly 'the slut' may appear. It's hard to keep that facet of the persona at bay really because both 'girl' and 'l'il one' can be aroused by feeling some force which then translates into arousal.

In my ideal fantasy relationship, all facets would be called on at different times, subject to the whim of the Dominant and the necessities of the moment. Whichever facet he calls to the fore, it's another opportunity to feel at peace; to feel oneself.

Masochism and libido

By being more 'mindful' of what it is happening in the moment it is possible to tap into our subconscious thoughts and to transfer them into our conscious mind. This is important because our subconscious mind tends to hold onto old hurt and negative experiences and to endlessly recycle these experiences. Feelings from our childhood such as feeling controlled, helpless, rejected, unloved, abandoned and so on don't suddenly disappear as we grow older. To put it in other words we can remain attached to these feelings. They are unresolved feelings for us.

Although we may want to feel loved or respected, we haven't come to terms, necessarily, with our feelings of having been disrespected or unloved. So, we fear being disrespected or unloved yet again, remaining attached to that feeling.

It is thought by some psychotherapists  that we can libidinize these feelings - recreate and recycle them as a part of our libido. The negative feelings accord with our sense of injustice and so we must develop "psychological defense systems designed to cover up our emotional attachment to old negative experiences". In this process we may blame others for negative feelings we currently experience, that are really more concerned with covering up these negative feelings from the past that we are playing out over and over again.

In our willingness to recycle these feelings over and over again we are, it is thought, involving ourselves in an "unconscious masochism" which is tapped into when we experience sexual pleasure from various forms of abuse or denigration. Michaelson goes on to discuss sadism as a form of masochism (by identifying with the passivity of the masochist) but let's focus on the masochist's motives and experiences for this post.

What interested me particularly were his comments about the "dark side" - that affinity with negative experiences - and how recycling negative experiences can lead to emotional defensiveness such as apathy, self-pity, self-absorption, cruelty, greed, hatred and violence. By making the dark side conscious, he suggests, we can overcome the negative influences of them.

I know that people who engage in BDSM are inclined to be defensive about their practices, needs and desires. It is upsetting to be looked down on or to be considered perverted for engaging in relationships and experiences that allow us to enjoy our sexual natures.

At the same time, I am not prepared to dismiss Michaelson's comments, even though I'm not completely comfortable with the article for obvious reasons. I don't doubt that I have brought into my adult life some negative feelings and experiences from my childhood. The reality is that I, fundamentally, brought myself up. My parents were very busy and engaged in business life, so whilst I knew that I was loved and that they were proud of me, it was the sort of love that one experiences from a distance. It is true, too, that what I was good at doing wasn't seen as particularly worthy attributes to have, which I didn't find easy, but I may be 'feeling' that to be the case, rather than something that was in their minds. I could be wrong.

I am well aware also that there is a negative and annoying inner voice that often speaks to me saying such cruel things as "why would you bother even doing a writing course when you have no talent?" In my first years of school I think I was made to write with my right hand (I don't have clear memories of what actually happened) until it was considered hopeless and I was allowed to write with my left hand. According to my reports in first and second grades something profound happened in that year and from second grade, and thereafter, I was an A student. Unfortunately, my fourth grade teacher said to my mother, who then told me, that I wouldn't be able to maintain that standard and it put a doubt in my mind that has never gone away. 'Higher Distinctions' recently achieved, evidence one would of thought of some capability, does not make the doubt go. I definitely am recycling some negative feelings and experiences.

But, am I recycling them in the form of masochism? That's the big question. Have I libidinized those old feelings? When I experience sexual pleasure from various forms of "abuse and denigration" am I tapping into previously felt emotional suffering and recycling it yet again? Well, maybe I am. I don't really know. I will continue to dwell on this and see what comes up.

I can say this. It's a very rare day when I feel unloved or disrespected in the power exchange arena of my life. When I live under the dome of understanding that I am to be monitored and when I experience pain/pleasure that releases me from the reality of the moment (a sort of mindfulness of sensation I think), I feel a sense of great happiness. It is not only being done to me but for me. My mind translates these experiences as loving experiences. Perhaps I am working on feelings of having felt unloved or disrespected in the past. It is entirely possible. Yet, I can't see the negativity or harm that comes from doing what I do. I am aware that I am reliant on these experiences for my happiness and to that end I continue to work on a sense of self that enables me to feel whole, no matter what happens. The fact remains that I am elevated by these feelings and experiences and I continue to feel that this must surely be a positive experience. But, as always, I am open to learning more.

The inner child

In my reading over the past few days about patriarchy, the term 'patriarchal voice' just didn't work for me. What I did was replace that term with another. I thought of this voice as a 'protective voice'. It's the voice that we go to for advice about what society deems we should do. This worked better for me. In taking advice from that voice, we can compromise parts of ourselves in that we may not set limits as to what is acceptable and healthy behaviour for us. Or, we may bury other aspects of our personality.

In many cases, I believe, we can lose the 'inner child'. This happens to both men and women as life takes on more and more responsibility and as we listen and take heed to societal pressures. It happens to all of us, in some measure.

During the time of my mentoring, my inner child was allowed free reign. Of course, there were rules and very specific ways of interacting. I knew my place and should I forget, the correction was immediate. For both of us, and I strongly believe this, we were two kids let loose in the candy shop. We were often joyous, child like; exuberant. Fun was very much close to the top of the agenda.

For ages, I wasn't really aware of this. I was too busy just letting out that part of my personality to think about it. I see very clearly now that what was so very special about the exchange (and there were other special things as well) was that we both allowed our inner child free reign.

It's a complex thing because I distinctly remember one time not wanting to do something and the child part of my psyche said so. He insisted that it must be done. There was no manipulation or strategic thinking involved when I replied, "But, wot if cindi sed pleeeeeez? He replied that it wouldn't matter. She still had to do as she was told. This floored me. Didn't little children get their way if they asked oh so nysssseli?? If they were adorable enough, didn't the person in charge say, "Oh, all right. Just. this. one. time." So, my inner child was allowed free reign so long as she understood the voice of authority.

When people listen too hard to their protective voice, they can become very serious. There are all sorts of reasons why they shouldn't do what they would like to do. Or, on the flip side, they want to please, if they are a pleaser, and they don't lay down some limits to protect themselves enough. I think this patriarchal voice that I have been reading about simply is the same thing that my psychologist spoke to me about. It was absolutely fine for me to express the very feminine side of my personality but I also needed to give expression to the side of my personality that wanted to achieve something in the real world for myself. I could be nurturing and doting and giving and submit so long as I put some boundaries around myself. It was okay for me to express all components of my personality. I didn't need to stick to just one entirely.

I look back on my mentoring sessions with great affection. It was my opportunity to let my inner child out in the sunshine to run free. Often gleeful, full of mirth and giggly it was a heady and happy time in my life; the loveliest of gifts.