Training

 There's an opportunity my husband and I have currently to reinvigorate our marriage via the introduction of a third party, for a time. It wouldn't be anything permanent at all; just some 'training' for want of a better word, on both sides of the equation.

Individually, we have both been quite open and optimistic about this idea, but as the time draws nearer to commit, we are discussing it in all its complexity. I think this is a normal and healthy thing to do, if for no other reason than it could easily go horribly wrong.

At the end of the day, we are both reasonably conservative people. We have not had the experience of multiple play partners, of play parties, scene events, or even munches. The desire for any of that has not been there, so there's a little apprehension in partnering with someone with differing experiences and views. On the other hand, what conservative person would you ever expect to find who could partner you in such an endeavor?

My husband has brought up the fact that there's a real possibility that a girl trained by a third party could 'fall' for that person and think about that person long after the training is complete. I agree. I suspect many girls have found a training experience profound enough to have feelings for the trainer. 

I was initially concerned about this as well, but I am now confident that this would not happen. I can't go into why I think this in this journal (which can be read by anyone. Oh, hello!), but let's just leave it at the understanding within myself that I've developed enough strength of character to not allow that. I see the motivations and intentions clearly, the professional approach adopted many times over, and this 'professionalism' keeps emotions clean and tight.

I would suggest that for some couples, they need to really consider it as a possibility, however. The question has to be asked, why aren't you training the girl yourself? Deity thought the idea unnecessary for his girl, but in his union, he was far more attuned to what he wanted to achieve; had thought about it and made it a study. 

We have asked ourselves this question and came to the conclusion that first time round, we sort of made it up as we went. We didn't really know what we were doing in any sort of detailed approach. We're looking for something sustainable, something that uplifts us both and provides a lot of joy, and this arrangement seems like a way to get the thing up and running with a sort of neutral third party who can professionally set the thing up for success. So far, so good.

Let me preempt the next comments by saying that I've grown a lot as a person in the last several years. The events of our lives demanded that, but so too did I seek out paths for growth. 

I am a kinesthetic meditator and perhaps a kinesthetic learner. I hate reading instructions and would rather just be shown how to do something, so that explains my choice of interests and study, at least partially. I have been aware of that for a long time.  In my meditative state and in my imagination or in a trance, I now know, I am living the experience. I am not watching myself. I am part of the experience. 

I have often wondered why I get such strong messages from my body and maybe that explains it. I have done hundreds of hours of formal dance training and I have always been someone who has gone to movement classes - step classes, or aerobic training or weight bearing classes, Pilates and Yoga. Maybe it's all this, combined with meditation, I don't really know, but I get very strong bodily responses.

I am aware of a trigger point still sitting in my body; a land mine that sit there that can go off when triggered. I am excruciatingly aware of it, because when it is triggered, the experience disrupts both my body and my state of mind. I get angry first, a gut reaction that wells up from the pit of my stomach and wants to verbally 'vomit' all over the person who has incited the trigger.

I think the landmine is about justice, I didn't bloody do anything to incite the trigger words and I'm not going to lie down and take it. Except, I do. Once the anger has subsided a bit, I get incredibly sad, and that sadness takes me to the floor. But you can't keep me down on the floor for long because I need to move, and so I revert to anger because anger has some fluidity about it. Anger gets you up and going.

It's this landmine that sits in my body that makes me especially wary of any sort of 'training' process. I strongly suspect that if I felt a sense of injustice or disrespect (and that's likely to happen in a training process, right?) I strongly doubt I could resist telling the offending party to get f**ked and to hit the road.

So, I did some reading about training a submissive this morning - the conditioning, the positive and negative reinforcement, the operant conditioning, the intermittent reinforcement. Nothing caused me more distress in the past than intermittent reinforcement, which I think is a form of evil. Yet, this is all part and parcel of the training process, so it seems. Do I want that? Is that all necessary to get to the highs of wonderful intimacy and pleasure?? I'm no expert but it sounds so manipulative and not always in a good way.

My husband reminds me that I loved letting go into a submissive sexual mindset. Maybe it's worth it to experience some discomfort around these issues to get to where I want to go. Maybe.

We are both very comfortable with soft strategies. No problem there. I like the idea of an ankle bracelet, for example, that I wear when I want sexual attention. It's a sweet strategy to avoid miscues.

There's already been a lot of attention given to my independence. It's a bit galling, honestly, since I have become more and more independent of my husband all the time. Since he remains a workaholic, I had no choice but to be independent in various ways and that's bedded down. I really hope we're done with that subject material. Any more independent and I may as well call myself a single girl.

In this particular case, hypnosis is bound to be part and parcel of this process. Whatever I say or write now is likely to be overridden by the wonders of hypnosis used for sexual persuasion. It's not a fair playing field. Is that a good or bad thing? I am not completely sure, and I am smiling as I write this.

Here's the thing. We don't fit the usual model. We're mature adults. We're devoted to one another. We don't easily agree to the entry of a third party and we're probably relatively non-compliant. If we don't agree or like something, we aren't afraid to say so. For me, it has to feel right. I will mull anything and give it it's fair consideration, but if my body screams out to me 'this isn't right', I can't ignore those signals.

So, we're not easy, we get that. Perhaps, at some stage, I can review these thoughts and report that my concerns were ill founded, or that I don't even remember these objections. (Did I write that?) I hope so.