About cindi

As much as we might try to 'walk in the other man's shoes', we never really can know what it is like to live the life of another person. We can empathize and do our best to understand, but we cannot experience life as he or she experiences it. And, in the same way, a person may keep a web journal, and people may stumble upon it and read it but never really understand what that person is trying to say. Keeping a web journal is rather unlike story telling or writing a novel, because in those instances, the story can be crafted to be appealing to many people, with a beginning, a middle (a crisis perhaps) and an end. Web journals are not really stories in the sense that they are not crafted. In any case, my web journal is not crafted but rather a diary of sorts; of my life and the thoughts in my head.

It has been said to me that my web journal is indicative of who I am. I am "serving" the perverts (and I mean that in the nicest of ways, of course). I admit that sometimes I am motivated by the desire to help or educate. I have a desire to give hope to those who want to turn their lives around in some way; to make a difference through sheer will. I was in a dark place before I found the light, and if my experiences can assist someone else out there to find their bit of light, then that would make me very happy. I actually trained as a teacher, so that motivation is there within me.

But, I would be lying if I said anything other than this: that I write here regularly because wild horses could not stop me. I have a strong desire to write and an even stronger desire to write about submission and dominance. I love to read about it, to write about it and to discuss it. It is magic to me; the opportunity to feel completely me.

I can appreciate that my efforts to explain 'cindi' and that place I go as 'cindi' may not be appreciated or desired reading for some people. If that is true, it changes nothing. I chronicle my experiences as I do because that is what is honest and true and I have no interest in doing things any other way. But, perhaps I, as Vesta can assist (and it is one of the reasons I maintain that persona) in explaining 'cindi' a little, to those who wish to understand.

I doubt you can create an alter ego (an ego less state) such as cindi if it is not there in the first place. Yes, I was led towards that persona but I most certainly did not need to be dragged. I did not just go willingly towards her but with a rush of excitement and thrill that can only occur if she had already lived within me. Her 'birth' was one of the most thrilling days of my life and she finds expression in almost every day of my life.

Far from living only in the bedroom (although she certainly does shine in that room) she is a part of my every day and night. She finds expression in every choice I make: how to communicate with my husband, how to make use of my day, what to eat, what to wear; how to think about myself and how to think about my body. The opportunity to let her breathe and shine and express herself in her own inimitable way has made me breathtakingly happy. Just when I think that I have reached the crescent of the hill in terms of happiness, I find that perhaps the opportunities for happiness for cindi are limitless.

It is such a formidable task to explain all this. But, let me put it this way and see if it helps. A few days ago I was watching a documentary about the remaking of 'A Chorus Line' on Broadway. The dancers/singers/actors were subject to recalls, those of them selected, and of course they were very anxious. One girl said this (or thereabouts):

"Dancing is the best part of me. I am only really alive when I am on the stage.

I connected with that for when cindi is on show, I feel most alive. cindi is the best part of me.

It is not lost on me that I had 'Lady Luck' on my side. I had the opportunity to speak with someone who somehow intuitively sensed this about me. And, as someone dear said to me, either I have been very lucky or I have had exquisite intuition about people for my relationships/friendships in this space have worked out so very well.

To those few out there for whom these ramblings might mean something, let me say this. It is not dumb to let yourself go. It is not foolish to allow your inner voice to be aired. Follow your heart. Make use of your instincts and use your god-given intuition. There is hard work to be done to find and embrace your submissive voice, if that is what you want, but also a sense of peace, happiness and fulfilment that will blow you away.