Who needs to change?

Five years ago, on that evening when I asked my husband to spank me for the first time I had no notion of ‘submission’. I didn’t know what a ‘submissive’ was and nor did I have any real desire to live the life of a submissive. Certainly, I knew at that time that I wanted a certain ‘feeling’ in my life; something that I had tasted and found very much to my liking. But, not even knowing that there was a ‘lifestyle’, I could have no sense back then, of what was possible or even if it would work for us.

I recall the first time I seriously wondered about it all as it pertained to me. Abel, my email buddy from England asked me if I was a “submissive”. I didn’t think so, I said, for I didn’t know to what he referred. From that moment I began to read, and the rest of the story, or at least the parts I have shared, can be found on this web journal.

Being married to a dominant man is not easy, or at least that is my experience. It was not easy before I explored and acknowledged my nature, and it is not easy now. And, I think it is important to say that; that there is nothing especially easy about living with a man who wants to do things a certain way; when he wants to do them, how he wants to do them, and if he wants to do them. As much as I might on any one day think I have it licked, something happens to fill me with confusion and upset, and I find myself doubting our agreement. It passes. I believe that is the good news and it is what I hold onto in my darkest moments, but it would be wrong of me, on a web journal where young people or interested people may read, to not acknowledge that there are some very difficult moments.

As my husband has grown older, he has become more and more dominant. As a young man, he always knew what he wanted and how he wanted to go about things. I was never, even in our twenties, able to convince him to do something that he did not want to do. It did not matter if I begged, or cajoled, or was upset, or cried, or sweet talked him, he only did something that he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. I cannot say for certain if that is just him, or if that is the nature of a dominant man, but he has always been assertive and sure of how he wanted to go about things.

He tells me that I was a candidate for marriage because I had a sweet nature and was “soft and kind”. He came to see, he also tells me, that I was more “committed” than he anticipated.

“Sometimes, you just won’t let the bone go!” he says to me.

We have had the most extraordinary weekend. Away from one another for the week, he clearly wanted to show me a good time. We spent a good deal of the weekend together, and I was dominated in the bedroom in all sorts of delicious ways for hours on end. I felt wonderful and savoured every moment of it, from the hard spanking to pay off the “black marks” I have earned to the use of my body in all sorts of devilish ways. As we set off for our walk with the dogs mid Sunday afternoon, I felt totally dreamy and delighted to have my ‘oh so dominant’ man back in my life.

My husband tells me, and he is probably right, that after I have been sexually dominated, I can get “full of myself”. He warned me of this right after we got dressed.

“Now, you just watch your manners! You can get full of yourself after you’ve been shown a good time, and I won’t tolerate any misbehaviour. Do you understand?”

I understood. I had no intention of misbehaving.

Later on, back home, I began to do some gardening. I was tiring and wanting to complete tasks, but not able to do them by myself, I became frustrated. My training is that I should ask for help (nicely, of course) when I need it. Thus, I decided to go and search out my husband and ask for a few moments of his time to lift the heavy bins of garden waste and carry them to the garage for me.

I know full well that it is imperative that I not express any frustration in my voice when I ask my husband for something. He loathes to be made to feel guilty and he feels that it is my role to ask, in a sweet voice, for his assistance. If he can help me at that time, he will. If he can’t, he won’t and I will just have to wait for another time. I am expected to be patient – to be patient for years and years, if necessary.

I am. I am a patient person. And, I have shown patience for years. I have learned to be patient, tolerant and understanding and I think even he would admit that I have given him all the space he needs to do things in his own way, at his own pace, how and when he wants to do them.

But, for some stupid reason, when I asked him if he would please help me with the heavy bins, there was some slight frustration in my voice which he picked up. I got told off for that.

“This evening, or in the morning, I will teach you how to ask for help.”

Well, it was my mistake! I know him well enough that I must ask for help in the right way. So, I took my spanking this morning with good grace.

Or, so I thought. Somewhere deep inside me, there must have been a little bit of rebellion because when he was through, shortly thereafter, I heard myself say

“When is your appointment with the doctor?”

It was a red rag to the bull. He knew he was overdue to see him, that I wanted him to see him, and he considered this an effort on my part to bully him into making an appointment.

So, I got it in the neck!

“When are you going to learn that the more you ask me to do something, the longer it will take for me to do it?”

When my husband really upsets me, I don’t talk back. I go silent. I am just too upset to talk. Nothing upsets him more. The more I don’t talk, the more he will have to say to me about my “behaviour”, and the more silent I get. We reach a point where he feels I am completely to blame and I reach a point where his raised voice and tone becomes the issue in my mind. I can’t settle my mind to acknowledge my wrong doing. It is the classic ‘catch 22’.

Of course, we have lived with one another for over 30 years now and it doesn’t take long for me to realize that I am the one who must change. He cannot change and he won’t change. He is completely right. He will do things when he wants to do them, how he wants to do them and if he wants to do them. I must adjust to him; not the other way round.

I have a submissive nature and he has been wonderful in acknowledging it and recognizing my needs. But, make no mistake. A non-submissive girl would never have ‘cut the mustard’ with him. And, that, my friends, is the bottom line.