A significant component of my 'training' has been to let go of anxiety; not to worry unduly. And, for that, I am truly grateful. I am given periods of time where I need not worry at all. The daily concerns of life, practical matters, are not appropriate for me and I am instead focussed on pleasure. My service is in being joyful and focussed on pleasure and in this way, I serve. I do not so much 'give' as the other 'takes' - feeds on my joy and pleasure and in doing so, finds his own pleasure and joy. It works divinely well.
I have come to realize that I am the product of two overly anxious parents. My father was a restless soul who felt obliged to worry about large and small matters in equal measure. But, in comparison to my mother, he was quite relaxed. That was not so obvious to me when they were both alive since it seemed that my father expressed his dissatisfactions and my mother did everything she could to satisfy him. If he was happy, she was happy.
Simce his death, it has become apparent that he did an excellent job in keeping her on an even keel. If she worried about something he might dismiss the concern, assuring her that it was all under control . And, his dismissal of the concern was all she needed, I now realize, since she did 'drop it' at his insistence.
But, now that he is gone, her anxieties are there in all their glory with no one to set her straight. She is staying with me at the moment and I experience her mind flitter from one thought to the next without any reason or rythme. One minute she worries that the dogs need to be walked and no sooner do we do that than we are obsessing about some governmental decision or action. Immediately after we get home from an afternoon of shopping she asks me what is for dinner, who will get the wood, where the children are and what is the plan for tomorrow. 'Resting' her restless mind is something that she does not do.
She is incredibly kind and well meaning but her natural inclination is to micromanage and to see her way of thinking as the 'right' way. It is rare for her to not talk. Frankly, it exhausts me (hence this post, which is my 'time out' for the day) and I find myself wondering if there is something, anything at all, to encourage her to just relax and let go. I know that I am 'whistling Dixie' on this score and that we will all run around pleasing her on any number of tasks in the hope that she might reach a point where all anxieties are satisfied and she is totally relaxed. I do wonder if, without my father alive, it will ever happen.
Women are such multi taskers; running about pleasing their men and families; desperately wanting everybody to be happy that they forget they can overdo it. Sometimes, people want nothing more of them than to just relax and stop worrying: to simply 'let go'.
I initiated a conversation with my husband in the car recently, worried about a financial matter.
"Leave it to beaver. That is my job."
And, he was absolutely right. Our pact is that I do not worry about matters that are in his domain. What is the point of my worry? I cannot change a thing.
I am, thankfully, well trained enough these days to recognize that I experience my own share of anxiety; immensely eager for those I love to be happy, healthy and enjoying life. But, I have come to accept what I can and cannot effect in life. Most importantly, I have come to see the enormous merit in taking time to let go of all earthly worries for periods of time. The 'practical life' no longer exists and for an hour or so, I am simply a 'thing' - an object of pleasure who provides those special others in my life with an abundance of joy.
Born with a racing mind that is not just a relief. It is the greatest of blessings. Nourished, I may again return to the world and fulfil all my roles; content that my inner self has found expression. Joy, I have discovered is the gift that keeps on giving for the more I experience it myself, the more of myself I can give.
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I think that if i were required to stop my racing mind - it would race around worrying about how and why, and if it were ok, and how long, and , and , and ...
ReplyDeletegg: Sure, it was like that in the beginning but I hung in there and followed the rules and it came to me...a quiet mind where my inner self and only my inner self was expressed. To quiet the mind is, for me, heaven.
ReplyDeleteResting a restless racing mind: that is one of my big problems. When I was a student I tried to do it with alcohol. Alcohol is not a Dom I'd recommend, however.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very nice post on your harmonious relationship. I like your description of what you receive (peace, release); very attractive.
It makes me so nervous when as soon as I get one thing settled someone else is asking me about something else. I need a little breathing space between activities.
ReplyDeleteYou describe so perfectly what I am striving for. It's so handy because if I'm having difficulty expressing what I'm feeling to my Husband I can just pull up your blog and ask him to read.
PL: I get that. Even yesterday, when I could see that there was to be no break, I grabbed a couple of Oreo cookies. I don't usually touch the things, buying them for my boys, but I needed something in compensation for having to remain in a restless environment. It was as if the sugar was a 'drug' to overcome the want for some peace. I thought I had got beyond that sort of behaviour!
ReplyDeleteSerenity: You are a busy mother and, bless their hearts, children and fathers think of them as perfect little robots who can keep on keeping on like the 'Everready Bunny'. If you could just take an hour for yourself - a bath, a walk, a book, being tied up(!) - you'd return to them totally rejuvenated.
Reading back on your blog is such an amazing, uplifting experience. Even in your trials and troubles, the way you "get things off your chest" is so philosophical, so insightful. It's a joy to read.
ReplyDeleteYou could have been talking about my mum rather than yours. Never still, never at peace. Unfortunately she and my dad divorced when I was young, so I grew up with a mum whose mind was always runminating, always worrying, with no other adult there to keep her on an even keel. They say your parents screw you up and maybe that's true, but I believe my mum unknowingly taught me to see the benefit of providing the women in my life with some control and stability, to want to take some of their worries and responsibilities away. I enjoy that. And it could have been worse, she could have substituted one man for the next, and the next, searching for mister right while undermining her children's emotional foundation in the process. In many ways, she sacrificed her own wellbeing for ours. I love her dearly, and I couldn't imagine her any other way, but she drives me nuts, nonetheless. she's a classic example of someone who would have benefited from your training and enlightenment.
rollymo: Do you know that I have done very little of that - read back over my words. Every now and then I look at the stats and I see where someone has read back and I click on the link that leads me to that page and in this way I read over some posts. This often helps me; reminds me of where I have been and what my goals were. I remember this visit. My mother had been with me for several days and I sat down to write as a way of relieving the pressure of being surrounded by such a worrying and restless mind. I am taking her away for 3 days next week to Queensland and perhaps I can write about that and we'll see how that goes.
ReplyDeleteI think you were fortunate to have her to yourselves, so to speak, without her looking for another man in her life and I suspect you were her pretty 'much her everything'. Even though my husband is here everyday I often shoulder the worries of the children on my own, not mentioning to him all sorts of little things. I am not so sure fathers ever come to know their children like a mother does and yet, I think the bond of a child to his father is so, so important and unique.
In meditation there is a saying - "love it anyway" - and I would encourage you to use it quietly to yourself when she is driving you nuts. By God, you will miss her when she is gone as I will miss mine.
By the way, thank you for reading back over the journal and I am very pleased it is an uplifting experience for you.
Vesta: you certainly live up to your goal of being a "giving" person, thank you for your thoughtful response. I will use your meditation expression - I can deal really well with high pressure situations and stress but sometimes let the little, inconsequential annoyances bug me rotten! Case in point: I'm growing a moustache for charity and it itches. It's such a bearable little annoyance and all for a good cause yet I find myself quietly looking forward to shaving it off, rather than embracing this fun little change and growing with the whiskers on my upper lip.
ReplyDeleteAlready you are working your magic on me. I have found a new mantra - I will grow with my mo!
rollymo: Here, men grow moustaches in November for a charity associated with prostrate cancer; a great cause! I read, when it was too late to participate this year that October is the month for woman (and men if they want, I guess) to wear a dress every day of October. I'm looking forward to that challenge next year. Good luck with the moutache. Not long now...
ReplyDeleteYes, it's the same charitable cause here in Canada. The movement started in Australia, but in recent years Canada has been top of the rankings for the number of men participating and donations raised, with my birthplace UK coming second just ahead of Australia. I managed to get all the male members of my team at work to join in this year, and what a fine band of moustachioed brothers we have become. It is a great cause - I know two marvellous men who are battling with this disease right now and whose prognosis would be far better had their condition been noticed earlier. As with breast cancer, awareness among potential sufferers is key. Getting off-topic for your excellent blog so I will close now.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes, RollyMo