Respect

A discussion over coffee this morning with girls I know at the gym reminded me of how very fortunate I am to have been able to express my submissive nature; to have been accepted for my nature and to explore that nature in its full length and breadth. For it is a most vanilla world out there, away from these pages and others like it, where I have no hope of expressing my true nature or of being accepted for who I truly am.

In the group of women with whom I sat, there was talk of a woman whose marriage with a renowned surgeon crumbled because “she wanted too much sex”. And, there was a story of a couple who had been unable to consummate their marriages after ten years. In every example and comment there was mention of people unable to find satisfaction with the person with whom they shared their lives over some aspect of power, desire for affection or how to live their lives. There were a lot of really confused people, it seemed to me!

I had a strong reminder lately that in the kind of relationship where I function best and at my most happy and complete, there is deep respect. There is respect for me for the woman that I am, the whole woman, and there is respect for me for the particular needs that I have to be at the bottom of a power exchange. I am humbled and eternally grateful for that understanding and care.

Equally important is that I show and feel respect for the person on the top. It does not do me or the relationship we share the slightest bit of good for there to be doubt about who is leading whom. In my relationship, there are ways and means of expressing my point of view, of asking for something or even giving thanks for something. It is not my role to be anything other than pleasing. It is my role to use my talents to persuade, point out something, or offer my opinion in an appropriate manner.

Of all the lessons I have learned, I think this one has actually been the hardest one for me to put into action minute by minute and day by day. I have always had flashes of anger, or frustration or being peeved and from the moment we started dating it has bothered my husband and he has done his best to stamp it out. If I have to repeat myself three times because he has not heard me well enough, then so be it. Maybe next time I might get his attention first, or not be turned away when I talk to him. Frustration on my part, illustrated in the tone of my voice is not something he wants to hear.

I had a flash of anger several days ago and was met with instant dismissal. Much more punishing to me than getting a good telling off on the spot is dismissal. As so many submissives have said before me, it is the disconnection that is the punishment. In retrospect, it was a darn good call. It took me a full 24 hours to really understand that this situation was all my doing, and that it was I who had chosen to bring this on myself. No self respecting dominant is going to put up with a “mean and nasty” girl, as I was later called.

Of course, the correction imposed is really more like a salvation than a punishment for a correction/punishment is the beginning of a reconciliation of the dynamic: a cleansing of sorts and most submissives will do whatever necessary to make amends and be returned to good graces, I think.

I can say all of this because I am completely confident about who I am now and what I need and what my dominant needs, too. And I would not want to damage what I have for the world, for it has great value to me. Respect for one another is one of the great strengths of a high functioning power exchange relationship and to this end, a role model for any relationship between two people, surely.

I’ll be darned if I understand what the big deal is for those in vanilla land and why so few people actually understand the subtleties and strengths of the power exchange dynamic. I am still the same woman sitting there amongst those women this morning as I am here, yet I am unable to share this part of my life. I am unable to share that I am incredibly happy with my relationship for fear that I am seen as less because of my desire and need to be at the bottom of a profoundly moving and marvellously successful interpersonal relationship. And, that is just ignorant.