It pleased me to see upon a search of this web journal that I have very rarely mentioned 'frustration'. I mentioned it in the last post and according to the record, back in March 2009 when I wrote a post about 'anxiety'. That's not bad.
For, you see, I do experience considerable frustration. As I wrote to my husband just now,
"It is a very, very hard thing to live through someone else - for their wants and desires and ways of doing things; their priorities and their interests to be the sole arbiter of what happens; to expect a person to have eternal patience and to never express frustration and thus, by inference to never HAVE frustration."
Rightly or wrongly, I have tried my absolute best to be satisfied with living my life according to my husband's version of the world. From time to time, I mention that it will be great when we can do this or that, but apart from that, I really just nod when he tells me something, accept his decisions, patiently wait for him to attend to something (or not), and in a nutshell, just wait.
I've become good at this - at living according to the desires and decisions of another person; at keeping my frustrations well hidden and distracting myself in order not to be upset that the things that I would love to see take place, do not.
I think I could have gone on with this positive spirit almost forever...until that moment two days ago when I did express a very minor amount of frustration and experienced his wrath that I should do so.
I'm not an angel. I'm not a perfect person. I'm just one human being doing her best to be pleasing; patient, considerate, understanding, calm and patient.
I just can't seem to get over it. I am shattered that he can't apologize for upsetting me so.
I have asked him to look inside himself - to try to understand how hard I work to see the world through his eyes and to put aside my own wishes. For me, this was what it was all about - to make for a life of harmony - to find a way to go beyond the everyday.
I can't seem to bounce back up this time.
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Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI know there are as many arrangements, dynamics, and styles out there as there are people in them. In our case, it was a marriage first and is still most certainly a marriage first. This means that, at the end of the day, on some level, both of our needs must be met. The understanding and expression of those needs may have changed, but our relationship would not survive if they were ignored - for either of us.
Clearly, no one but you two has the answer for you two, but I believe that there are some things that remain important.
Dear Vesta,
ReplyDeletehave you noticed that there are some men (i am not saying this includes your owner) who just don't have the expression "I am sorry" in their dictionary? Or the willingness to show empathy?
And this makes you angry... Dealing with it in a "submissive" way is not easy. Stop counting the times this happened and let go... (once more, i know, i know...)
cassie
no comment, just a hug.
ReplyDeleteJ.
greengirl: Yes, it is true, isn't it - that both people's needs must be addressed. My husband has acknowledged that he made an error in doing some things his way in the past, in spite of my need for more security than that allowed. He has worked hard to resolve that situation and I must remain patient.
ReplyDeleteIn the work I've done to accommodate my kinky nature, I have tried to give up emotions really. I haven't felt entitled to 'be sad', 'be angry', 'be frustrated'. I have just focused on all the positive emotions - happiness, joy, satisfaction, pleasure.
When I allowed a negative emotion to surface and it was shot down in flames, it hurt in an incredibly intense way - as if my humanity had been taken away. I have been in a lot of pain about it and it was not until last night that my husband really saw that. He has apologized. He never means to hurt me, loving me with a fierce intensity and doing his best to fulfil all my needs as I aim to fulfil his. It was the fight we had to have. He read my tumbler site last night for hours and said he finally fully realized my incredibly kinky nature. We are still learning. I have a great deal of faith in our union. Thank you.
cassie: He does say he is sorry but it can take a while. I really do believe that saying sorry is very important for both members of the relationship, and I have had to learn that too, by the way. I don't believe that the dom is always right. No person on this earth is always right and it is important for people to say they are sorry when they have made a mistake. I was particularly 'precious' in the past few days and he knows that when I am really, really upset, he needs to acknowledge his part in that, which he has done.
Jz: Hugs are special. Thank you.