Compassion

The changes in me over the past three or so years are quite profound. Back then, I very much wanted change in my marriage and I realized that the best chance of acquiring change was to focus on my own behaviour. I have long believed that whilst we can’t necessarily change the behaviour of others, we can do something about our own behaviour. Even then, change is not easy. One has to accept that and be very committed to following through with one’s goals.

A huge benefit of growing and improving and acknowledging faulty patterns of thought is that a husband/partner/boyfriend/owner will notice the change and feel disposed to that change in his girl. When a girl is trying her heart out to change, alter and grow it is very heartening and pleasing to watch, I think. When, for example, a girl works hard to lose those stubborn few kilos sitting on her hips, the best part of that change is the pleasure in his voice when he holds those hips down with his outstretched hands and makes note of the change. Who needs that biscuit after all?

So it is with changes in behaviour as well. Something I have had to learn to do is to acknowledge the error of my ways rather than to make excuses. My husband hated that. All he wanted to hear was that I was sorry and I would try harder next time but at times, the more he insisted the more I dug in my toes and it was not getting us anywhere. It was up to me to change since he did not intend dropping that expectation of me any time in his lifetime. At times, when he is demanding and irate, it still is not easy for me to do, but I recognize that it is the only way forward.

In my quest for change and improvement I have learned a thing or two and several years down the track, I felt the need to pass some of that information onto my daughter. I’ve watched her relationship with her boyfriend develop over the past few years and whilst I have tried to remain impartial, she knows that I hope that he is not the man she commits herself to for a lifetime (i.e. marry). At the end of the day I think she would do best with a man a little older than herself and with a strong interest or appreciation of culture. I think she needs someone who can accept and understand her rather dramatic soul rather than find it intimidating.

Even so, I’ve watched this dynamic between them play out long enough for me to understand several things. In spite of her complaints of his behaviour, he seems somewhat unable to change to her satisfaction. He has given it a good shot lately, in fact, but ultimately I think he just got sad and disheartened. He was ready to give up. Did she not think that a good idea, I asked? She seemed so piqued with him. No! No! No! She still wanted him. She is a very pretty and engaging girl and is often asked out, but she still wanted him. It was finally time for Vesta to speak her mind and in a way that she knew would shock her daughter.

“Then it is you who has to change. He has tried to do things your way but it is never good enough for you. You complain no matter what he does.”

She looked at me in disbelief. This was her mother talking; the woman who was always on her side.

“Well, he was late to come over because he was at a barbeque with his friends.”

“So, why weren’t you with him?”

“Well, he invited me but I don’t like his friends.”

“Darlin, you have to stop making that excuse. Have you tried talking to them one on one? You can win anyone over if you choose to. You should have gone and made an effort to enjoy yourself.”

On the conversation went, with her doing her best to see my argument whereby it was her who needed to transform this time. In an extraordinary moment when she was struggling to accept these words she said to me,

“Are you saying that I have to just pretend that everything is fine when it is not?”

I smiled, although I tried hard not to.

“Of course not! You have a right to express your opinion, but not on every last little thing. That is called ‘nagging’. Save your complaints for important things and try to hold back on your negative emotions. Does he really have to know every last time you are annoyed by him?”

She was taking it in. She could choose to get on with him. She could choose for him to feel that he was acceptable to her and then work towards effecting some changes in him that were important to her.

I’ve no idea if I have done the right thing by her or not, but I do know that if she chooses him, and she does, time and time again, she has to be the sort of girlfriend that he can enjoy if the relationship has any future.

I wonder. If change is looked at from this perspective – that two people in a relationship expect and deserve to enjoy one another- is, perhaps, change easier? There is a lot of emphasis on the individual at this time but perhaps there are benefits to the individual when one puts the other first. So, he’s swamped with work and does not have any time for you. Maybe, that is a time to come over and give him a sweet kiss and bring him a cup of tea. (Some would say it is a time to offer oneself underneath his desk...) She’s immersed with the children, is busy helping with a project and doesn’t have time for you. Maybe if you ran her a bath after the children were in bed?

It is easy to be angry; harder to show compassion and understanding at times. Ultimately, it is the favour you do yourself.