Seasons

I am a product of a conservative (if not eccentric) background. My mother married young to a man she fell in love with whilst still in her teens. He had considered himself a life time bachelor until he met her but ultimately he agreed that if she felt the same way about him when she turned 20, he would marry her. Their wedding took place a week after that date and they remained blissfully happy and deeply in love until his death. Her devotion at nursing him until his dying day was inspirational. No one could have done what she did unless they have in their hearts a huge capacity for love.

For his part, he led her, guided her and loved her every day of her adult life. That is not to say that she was not capable because she was more than capable. She had people skills in abundance and the capacity for hard work. Together, they managed successful businesses, but he was always the boss. If the word went out that he was on his way onto the floor, we all knew what to do: act busy. He abhorred laziness.

Conservative as they were in many ways, my parents were not thrilled with my choice of a husband. This is not news to my husband and to his credit, he was always, and still is, gracious and welcoming to my family. I suppose they figured that I was still too young to know my mind and the fact that he was immediately taking me to the other side of the world didn’t aid matters.

Although my mother quite naturally accepted my father as the boss, she has a wilful, independent streak and she knew how to work my father. She saw my husband as too demanding, too much wanting his own way; altogether too opinionated and anal-retentive. If I complained that I couldn’t get him to make a decision about this or that; say painting a room, she would encourage me to just organize it myself. Patience is not her strongest suit.

In fact, she continued to make private retorts and complaints to me, away from my husband’s ears for many years and I was torn. I have never fought with my mother because I know that cross words from me would hurt her profoundly but I also knew that her lack of respect for him as my husband, even if only expressed when with me alone, was destructive to my state of mind and all our relationships.

This rather difficult circumstance continued on through the years until a few years ago when I talked to my husband about creating a more formal ‘power exchange’ relationship. With a better understanding of what I wanted and how to achieve it, I now felt more empowered to deal with her complaints.

I didn’t argue with her but what she experienced was that I was now standing up for him with a new verve. She was not against him now unless she chose to be against me, too. She wasn’t going to do that. She loves me with a passion and if I was happy, she was happy.

This was a revelation to me. Immediately, our relationships improved on every level. She no longer so much saw a man who was inclined to want his own way but rather a man who would protect his wife and children through all and any eventuality. Her daughter oozed happiness and contentment and that being the case, what was there to say?

I am inclined to think that being confronted lately by criticism of becoming the ‘doll’, and taking that criticism hard, relates to my choice all those years ago to fore go a career for myself; to give of myself to others so intensely. My mother had difficulty at the time understanding my choice of a large family. She has said to me endless times that I could have been anything. I could have had a good career. I have given too much of myself to my family.

At a school reunion a year or so ago, my old school friends echoed her sentiments but in a more sympathetic way. As one of the high achievers, they had anticipated I would go on to a career in education or writing (perhaps journalism). It was a shock to learn that once the children were born, I had devoted myself largely to the family.

The reality is that I could never have split myself into two in this way. With the strongest desire to care for them, I needed to do that as well as I could without distraction or endless frustration. My husband understood that and enabled it, just as he enabled this blog, a mentor, moving into the power exchange relationship that I requested. He is, in fact, the right man for me and bringing up a large family together was the right decision for us.

Of course, I understand my mother’s concerns. I have strongly encouraged my daughter to reach her potential with her god-given talents and I wish her every success in her chosen profession. I urge her to consider using her talents for a lifetime. But, I also urge her to keep her eye out for a man she can love and respect, and who will love and respect her, too. I know the sort of man she wants. I’ve paid close attention to her comments over the years and she has a fervent need to be cherished; to love with intensity.

It is only now, later in my life that the opportunity exists for me to explore my own needs in any focused way. 'Balance' need not necessarily mean that we spread our time equally between career and family/spouse at all times in our lives. Rather, for some of us, to everything there is a season. My earlier adult life was given to my family and perhaps now is the beginning of a time in my life when my own more intense personal needs and interests might find flight.

For me, that does not mean that my husband gets the flick and I go off to ‘find myself’ on my own. Rather, that means that I might now have the chance to wallow in my husband’s attention, companionship and love.

We must all choose our path in life and I chose mine with open eyes. Alas, the messages that surrounded me (and still surround me at times) that I was choosing poorly derailed me from accepting my true nature in total. But, that is over now. I’m back on track and there is nothing left to stand in my way.