Peeling the onion

It is hard to recognize now the girl that there once was. So much about her has changed. Yet, nothing has actually ‘changed’, but rather thoughts and desires have surfaced; been revealed and embraced.

We all recognize the phrase ‘peeling the onion’ and perhaps if one were to ask enough questions in a skilled way, deep (dark) thoughts will emerge. But it is, I think, not as easy as convincing someone that it is safe and acceptable to reveal all, as if the person had only been waiting for a safe harbour on which to dock and offload their deepest and strongest needs with a caring and understanding person.

As well, a person may also need to convince someone of what it is they actually want; so hard is it for them to put their needs into words. They may not know the words that describe their needs or their needs may be so entrapped that they can only express themselves in phrases such as 'something in their life being missing'.

A person who seeks to aid someone to unmask their true self must have and make use of strong instincts. As time goes by, it will become obvious whether those instincts hold up to scrutiny. No one is right all the time but the person with strong instincts about another is a powerful resource. Patience is a vital ingredient but so too is the capacity to be firm and hold one’s ground. Strong instincts often govern, I believe, when one approach is better than another. As one comes to know the person, such decision making becomes second nature to those attuned to the process. Interpersonal skills are vital. Only a gifted communicator need bother attempting such intricate negotiations.

As the weeks went by, what the girl wanted became apparent. Although there was any number of approaches that interested the girl, all of them could be located under the title of ‘control’. She wanted to feel firm control. Did she want to feel that control in the form of anything remotely close to ‘abuse’? She did not. She was not a ball to kick around. She was a dolly; a pretty, precious, much loved dolly.

A good owner takes care of his possessions and it was the dolly’s good fortune to have a very good owner. She was used regularly, when and how he wanted, but rather than making the dolly feel bedraggled in any unappealing way, this use enriched and uplifted the dolly. She was not only energised by it but profoundly satisfied.

The dolly wished to be contained in ways too numerous to mention. She had a voracious appetite for it and one course simply led to the other. She had been waiting a long time and she was mighty hungry. At times she baulked and needed to be corrected and at those times, she was grateful that he did not give up. Her desires were strong but they had been well hidden from those who found them unacceptable and she sometimes still could not tap into them herself without aid. Always, she was grateful to make the next breakthrough – to peel one more layer of the onion with his help.

Over time, success begot success and the girl came to see that the man’s instincts were powerfully accurate. She was less and less the rather sad girl she used to be and more and more the very happy dolly of her owner’s dreams. She was less and less angry and frustrated and more and more enriched, fulfilled and headily happy.

The girl had come to see that with adequate and appropriate containment and control she was better, bolder and braver; stronger, secure and satisfied; enriched, enlivened and enthralled. In his efforts to ‘peel the onion’, he had discovered that the girl was more; more than she had even imagined possible in her wildest dreams. With containment and control, the girl had transformed into something less, but so much more.