Advice

Writing the blog and leaving comments for other blog writers makes for online friends and some of those have become my good friends. Friends support friends in fair times and foul and one of my friends is going through a rough patch right now. Rough patches are not meant to happen this time of year but alas, they do. A couple of times now she has asked me to write a post with my thoughts. We can't chat often but she does read the blog. I have a few readers who write to me, too, sharing their lives with me and I feel privileged that they do this. I always hope that I give them some words back that might help.

Once upon a time, I was in the position of desperately needing advice and I wrote to my on line friend. He gave me some advice and I wish to share that here on the blog in the hope that it will help my dear friend and maybe one or two other readers, too....

In this BDSM space, people come to all sorts of arrangements. Maybe the man wants to spank another girl as well as his wife. Maybe, the guy wants to switch roles occasionally. Maybe, the girl wants to be mentored, or perhaps the man wants to have a three-some. There is not a right or wrong way to love or have a relationship, necessarily.

But, there is a wrong way to go about it and that is to tell lies. If people have needs, the best thing to do is to put them on the table and discuss them like adults. In this way, a conversation can take place, adult to adult, wherein needs and wants are expressed.

At the time, this was advice I needed to hear. I wanted things so much but I wasn't being entirely honest with my husband. It was the dishonesty that appalled him; not my needs and wants at all. My friend has experienced that dishonesty and it is incumbent that her partner sit down calmly and maturely and express his needs to her in an honest way. She deserves that and she is a big enough girl to cope with that, if given the opportunity to understand what the needs are and where she fits in. She only wants to be loved and to love. Deceit doesn't fit it into equation.

Both my mentors have been sticklers for the truth and I have learned never to lie. If I did the crime, I admit it and accept the correction. It is a whole lot better than walking around with the lie, I think. Of course, we are taught in nursery school not to lie and we know what is right and what is wrong. But, it is a not a lesson easy to learn.

In the past week, my behaviour was not good. Confused and alarmed about something, instead of asking questions and clarifying the situation, I did the emotional girl thing and threw a spanner in the works by sending a hurtful and confusing email. I resolved nothing by doing this except to hurt myself and him. Of course, I came to my senses within 24 hours and did a fast 'backtrack', but I regret that I still can't always be relied on to behave as I know I should.

Alas, even when we are all grown up, acting like grown ups is not always easy. But, an honest conversation is the right place to start to plan the future together, and in most cases, that is all it takes to get a relationship back on track.

So, my darling friend, meet up at a little bistro for lunch, talk calmly and honestly about what you want and need. Listen carefully to what he says, as well. You both care about each other and this could be resolved to both your satisfaction. Play nice, good luck and I send you my love. XO