As per usual, I am immersed in doing something that I have never done before and learning material that is quite new to me. My head is filled with the business of making movies and plays and the essential elements of a successful and compelling story. I am in the process of considering character arcs in a story and the essential components of a heroine. It's all exciting and extraordinarily interesting but also profoundly challenging because I committed myself at the instigation of this writing course not to go down the path of academic mumbo-jumbo but to always find inspiration from real life; from my life. And, they like that. They like the way I apply it to my life and what I know from having walked this earth for 5 decades plus.
One of the essential components of a heroine is that she learns something which is why I had to think long and hard about my heroine in my adaptation. She seems so much at the end as she was at the beginning that we have to really analyze where she came from and how far she got; what she has learned about herself or anything else.
This evaluation led me to thinking about me and my blog and the "journey" I have been on. What have I learned? I am not looking to claim the title of 'heroine'. Rather, one thing often leads to another in my mind.
When I began the blog I had little control over my thought processes and emotions. I reacted. These days, I still react to external forces but I analyze those reactions. I ask myself why I reacted as I did and I force myself to be honest with myself. Inevitably this sort of discussion with myself leads to some thoughts about my insecurities. We all have them. If you are currently saying to yourself that you don't have any insecurities then you are lying to yourself because we really do all have insecurities of one nature or another.
It may (or may not) surprise you that what I do in this power exchange space that I have etched into my life can uplift me, exceeding all my expectations, and on some not so good (but happily rare) days, it can leave me confused. One of the delights of the blog for me is that I can check back and read what I wrote in heady moments and say, "Ahhhhh yes, that's right. I revel in this, don't I?! You are just having an insecure moment. Hang tight and it will pass." It always does. I am still here because I love what I do and I love what it has brought to my inner world, to my peace of mind and to my marriage.
Yet, I do have insecure days on all levels. I woke this morning completely insecure for no particularly good reason. For some reason today was the day when I was aware of my age; aware that I am no spring chicken any more; infertile, my youth has gone. Now, I don't have that feeling very often. I am graced with good health and an imagination and state of mind that keeps me young. However, when I woke this morning it was like a revelation: you are getting on, my psyche said to itself.
Moments like this, as transitory as they are, lead me to wonder why anyone would bother with me. It's a bit like walking down the street and the young men don't notice you, only your daughter. It was a revelatory moment like that; an unimpressive, unlikeable feeling of being sorry for oneself.
I was at the Market this morning and as I walked along the vendors I thought, 'But, where has the time gone? How can it be that my baby is about to turn 28? Aren't I only about 28?' For I often think that; that I am still young when the reality is something quite different.
Of course, the feeling goes. I remind myself that I have had a blessed life in many ways and that we all must age. We all must grow; learn; experience vulnerability; experience the fear of abandonment; grow old.
"Do you still love me?" I ask my husband, as I have asked him so often before. I don't know I am about to say it. It just slips out. These days he refuses to answer. The answer is so...obvious. Actions speak louder than words. Love is a doing word; a verb. I am loved. I know that. I really do. This insecurity too shall pass.
One of the essential components of a heroine is that she learns something which is why I had to think long and hard about my heroine in my adaptation. She seems so much at the end as she was at the beginning that we have to really analyze where she came from and how far she got; what she has learned about herself or anything else.
This evaluation led me to thinking about me and my blog and the "journey" I have been on. What have I learned? I am not looking to claim the title of 'heroine'. Rather, one thing often leads to another in my mind.
When I began the blog I had little control over my thought processes and emotions. I reacted. These days, I still react to external forces but I analyze those reactions. I ask myself why I reacted as I did and I force myself to be honest with myself. Inevitably this sort of discussion with myself leads to some thoughts about my insecurities. We all have them. If you are currently saying to yourself that you don't have any insecurities then you are lying to yourself because we really do all have insecurities of one nature or another.
It may (or may not) surprise you that what I do in this power exchange space that I have etched into my life can uplift me, exceeding all my expectations, and on some not so good (but happily rare) days, it can leave me confused. One of the delights of the blog for me is that I can check back and read what I wrote in heady moments and say, "Ahhhhh yes, that's right. I revel in this, don't I?! You are just having an insecure moment. Hang tight and it will pass." It always does. I am still here because I love what I do and I love what it has brought to my inner world, to my peace of mind and to my marriage.
Yet, I do have insecure days on all levels. I woke this morning completely insecure for no particularly good reason. For some reason today was the day when I was aware of my age; aware that I am no spring chicken any more; infertile, my youth has gone. Now, I don't have that feeling very often. I am graced with good health and an imagination and state of mind that keeps me young. However, when I woke this morning it was like a revelation: you are getting on, my psyche said to itself.
Moments like this, as transitory as they are, lead me to wonder why anyone would bother with me. It's a bit like walking down the street and the young men don't notice you, only your daughter. It was a revelatory moment like that; an unimpressive, unlikeable feeling of being sorry for oneself.
I was at the Market this morning and as I walked along the vendors I thought, 'But, where has the time gone? How can it be that my baby is about to turn 28? Aren't I only about 28?' For I often think that; that I am still young when the reality is something quite different.
Of course, the feeling goes. I remind myself that I have had a blessed life in many ways and that we all must age. We all must grow; learn; experience vulnerability; experience the fear of abandonment; grow old.
"Do you still love me?" I ask my husband, as I have asked him so often before. I don't know I am about to say it. It just slips out. These days he refuses to answer. The answer is so...obvious. Actions speak louder than words. Love is a doing word; a verb. I am loved. I know that. I really do. This insecurity too shall pass.
Oh my friend,
ReplyDeleteI related to this post probably more than any other in a very long time. Next year I turn 40 and unlike any other year this one is weighing heavily on me and I have yet to shake my feelings of insecurity, self doubt and wonderment. There is something about that "4" before the zero that is triggering something deep within my core. I look in the mirror and sometimes I say "yes I look forward" and other times I see myself and think "oh no I am much younger". Sill really because on the day I turn 40 that is exactly what 40 will look like. I know it will pass. As you said all things do but for now I am just letting it run its course in the hopes I will wake tomorrow with a bright smile on my face and a refreshing outlook on life.
Thank you for being so open with us, your dedicated inquisitive readers.
xx
~a
goodgirl: My mother married a much older man and when she expressed insecurities of any type he brushed them aside, saying that she was "just a kid". No matter how old she was, to him she was always "just a kid". If I express insecurity at home, I get the same reaction from the men of the house. I'm great for my age, they say. Even my youngest son who is sweetness and light says he finds it ridiculous when I express insecurity.
ReplyDeleteIt's rather interesting because my daughter's boyfriend (and she told me yesterday that he's "the one") has taken the line with her that insecurities/drama shall be more or less ignored. He's the rock of Gibraltar/steady as she goes type and my gal is like me; a tad inclined to drama and insecurity. I have seen him weighing me up, getting the picture that the drama in her soul has come from me and that since it's genetic he has to deal with it by snuffing it out; not giving it air.
But (and you knew there would be a but, surely) girls get insecure, and they just want a guy to say, "you still pass"/"I am still attracted to you"/"we will sort it out"/"oh, you poor baby"/ *something* comforting.
Turning 40 is tough for a woman but there is much pleasure to be had in your 40s. Hell, I am loving my 50s! But even a doll wouldn't mind a compliment every now and again! Compliments, praise...we thrive on that stuff.
Now, just to let you in on a little secret, it's my birthday month and my birthday is approaching fast. I've been known to go a little *nuts* around my birthday but I promised myself to be normal this year and just enjoy my birthday so I've let my craziness out here and hopefully that should take care of things so that on the birthday I won't be too weird.
Oh Happy Birthday Month, Vesta! Enjoy and everyone can go crazy around birthdays right?
ReplyDeleteI'm older and just over fretting it for the moment anyway. I hated aging in my 30s but now, so much later ~ I know I'm loved and sexually arousing, I feel healthy and my children are happy. Not much more to worry about... for me anyway!
nbs: I love your spirit! To feel loved, to recognize your great assets with good health and happy children, this ensures a happy life, no matter the age.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your birthday wishes. I truly do appreciate them.