In the past several days I've been observing my husband; watching him and thinking about him; looking for patterns; when he is most and least comfortable; what pleases him; what makes him anxious; what frustrates him.
I thought about his life as a whole. We were born in the same year and I found myself thinking about my childhood in comparison with his childhood. He grew up on a farm and he said to me as recently as this weekend how much he loved his young childhood, especially before he went away to school. He loved everything about it, really. He loved the machinery and the motor bikes; the herding of cattle and sheep; being with his father to do a chore outside or with his mother in the kitchen while they made scones or cakes or whatever was on the menu for that day.
My husband had a firm foot in both arenas of the farm. He is, at heart, an outdoor boy who revels in the countryside but at the same time, he loved his mother very, very dearly and his time with her was very precious to him. She took the children to horse shows on the weekends and we still have to this day the wad of ribbons that they won there. I think his father was demanding on a young lad who probably needed to take his time developing. As bright as he is, with a MBA from a prestigious learning institution, his early years at school were not particularly happy.
He lost his mother far too early in life to cancer and from there the issues only grew. He was forced to deal with a stepmother immediately; a lovely woman but no substitute for his mother, and very quickly he had step brothers and sisters who demanded the attention of their parents. He was forced to grow up very quickly and accept responsibility for himself, which he did.
We met at university; in college, where we were both boarding. He claims that I seemed a bit arrogant but I think he quickly realized that it wasn't arrogance; it was shyness and introversion. Anyway, he seemed different to the other boys I had ever met and I liked that he was assertive and that he could make plans for us as well as settle me down if I was upset or insecure.
From the absolute very beginning of our relationship he worried about the farm, his father, his marriage, their children and what would become of them and when, in final year, he decided on a career, he chose a path that would enable him, all going well, to make good money. He took responsibility for them very seriously and long after we married and had children of our own he continued to worry, to consult with them and to support them.
We were both very open with one another that we wanted a family. Having only one sibling two children seemed right to me but my husband wanted four children and that is, in fact, (surprise, surprise!) what happened.
We grew up in an era where two parents going out to work was a choice that not everybody made. When we had our first child there was precious little spare cash, but when push came to shove, I couldn't leave my son. I tried Early Childhood Learning Centers, of course, but it was all so hopeless. He'd cry when I'd leave and I told my boss that I couldn't do it. He wasn't a fan of mothers of young children working, and we agreed it wasn't worth it; not for the money; not for the stress and guilt.
Another child was on the way soon after that, we moved overseas, another child came along, we moved back home and then the last was born here. If I had wanted to go out to work (and some days I truly did!) I couldn't. There was so much work and so many people who needed to be attended to. It was best, we felt, for him to attend to creating money while I attended to keeping us all happy, well and thriving.
There's absolutely no doubt that he shouldered the responsibilities of creating wealth. A large family is a very expensive proposition these days and he wanted them to have the education we had; at private schools; the best. It doesn't come cheap, especially not in the past decade.
Added to his responsibilities, towards his extended family and to us, came a deep need to prove himself. When things happen early on and a doubt is seeded in the mind, there is a need to prove yourself and my husband yearned for success for more reasons than procuring cash. He's not an indulged person and nor does he need that much. He does need to be immersed in exciting ventures and ideas and he needs success as an indicator to his family and himself that he has overcome the battles.
My husband often talks about being passionate; that to achieve you need to have passion; to immerse yourself in something with a never-say-die approach. He believes that obstacles can be overcome and even if you aren't good at something that shouldn't stop you. He believes that people should do things not necessarily because they enjoy them but because they need to be done. He has a strong work ethic and when engaged, my husband puts 100% of himself into the task.
I confess what my husband is passionate about often leaves me cold. I can be frustrated at a decision by the Government but he almost takes it personally. One night last week, we happened, the children and I, to raise our protest at language being used by other political leaders to describe the Prime Minister and therein ensued a debate so lively that I shudder to think what the sweet mathematics tutor in the next room thought of our behaviour. He is passionate about life; he has strong opinions, to the point where I said to our our oldest son as he and I washed up, "No more politics now. That's out as a topic of family conversation!" and he agreed.
With this much sense of responsibility; this much passion for life, science, medicine, politics; what have you; of wanting to achieve and have success; I wonder if I must accept that my husband, whilst loving me dearly, doesn't need to find and express his passion in me.
Of course, he sometimes does. There are cycles and he returns to me, but the thought of topping me regularly, or organizing me or giving me rules or even playing with me regularly is, I think, another responsibility that is one too much in his life, and in his head.
It is important to remember where we started. When we started our lives together, he was much the same as he is now. He hasn't changed. Nor, have I changed. It was lonely for me from the outset. I always knew that something was missing, that my needs weren't being met, but I didn't know how to put them into words that he understood. He would praise me to others, explaining how I had my own interests and how we didn't encroach on one another. He seemed so content with the arrangement whereas I was just confused.
Well, eventually, as you may know by now, I explained myself in its entirety to him and he certainly enjoyed the path that I took him on and on occasions, when the cycle comes around, he still does. But, he'll never be one to give me rules or ensure that rules are followed or aid my submissive nature that way. He can give me wonderful experiences but he can't give me that owned feeling, day by day.
Now, I have lost much sleep over this dilemma because as I allowed my submissive nature air and expressed my needs, over which I have little control, the desire for more and more control grew. For me, it's not something that I can express from time to time and thrive. My nature is with me around the clock. I needed to think very carefully about what to do; I needed some resolution of the dilemma in my mind.
Let me say, without a shadow of a doubt, leaving my marriage is out of the question. We are life partners and neither of us has any wish to bring to a close a partnership that has been a happy and fulfilling one.
Nor can I accept that I be put in the situation of asking each and every time I feel the need for some act of Dominance from him. I can't see how that is a functional suggestion and believe me, I have tried to take it on. In my opinion, either his desire to provide some form of control is there or it is not and if it is not, I see no point in manipulating that lack of desire or asking him to artificially turn it on on my behalf.
Rather, it seems to me, it is better to accept my husband with the nature that God and circumstances gave him and to trust that the wheel will turn; that we will again, as we have thousands of times before, have experiences that feed my submissive soul.
In an ideal world, given what I know now about myself, yes, of course, I'd be with a man who relishes controlling me, but few of us live in an ideal world and I can't waste my life wishing for something that I can't have. Nor, can I have any assurance that this outcome isn't what it was always meant to be. How can I know for sure that if I had waited long enough to marry to know my true self that I hadn't fallen into the hands of someone who ultimately did me harm? How can I know that this is not the path that was intended for me in this life?
Along the way, I learned strategies that aid me, day by day, enormously. The bimbo mindset, the anal training, the communion with my self all soothe my soul. I still have moments of divine peace and fulfillment. I still am happily married. I enjoy my life. I have wonderful friends. I'm lucky that way.
I thought about his life as a whole. We were born in the same year and I found myself thinking about my childhood in comparison with his childhood. He grew up on a farm and he said to me as recently as this weekend how much he loved his young childhood, especially before he went away to school. He loved everything about it, really. He loved the machinery and the motor bikes; the herding of cattle and sheep; being with his father to do a chore outside or with his mother in the kitchen while they made scones or cakes or whatever was on the menu for that day.
My husband had a firm foot in both arenas of the farm. He is, at heart, an outdoor boy who revels in the countryside but at the same time, he loved his mother very, very dearly and his time with her was very precious to him. She took the children to horse shows on the weekends and we still have to this day the wad of ribbons that they won there. I think his father was demanding on a young lad who probably needed to take his time developing. As bright as he is, with a MBA from a prestigious learning institution, his early years at school were not particularly happy.
He lost his mother far too early in life to cancer and from there the issues only grew. He was forced to deal with a stepmother immediately; a lovely woman but no substitute for his mother, and very quickly he had step brothers and sisters who demanded the attention of their parents. He was forced to grow up very quickly and accept responsibility for himself, which he did.
We met at university; in college, where we were both boarding. He claims that I seemed a bit arrogant but I think he quickly realized that it wasn't arrogance; it was shyness and introversion. Anyway, he seemed different to the other boys I had ever met and I liked that he was assertive and that he could make plans for us as well as settle me down if I was upset or insecure.
From the absolute very beginning of our relationship he worried about the farm, his father, his marriage, their children and what would become of them and when, in final year, he decided on a career, he chose a path that would enable him, all going well, to make good money. He took responsibility for them very seriously and long after we married and had children of our own he continued to worry, to consult with them and to support them.
We were both very open with one another that we wanted a family. Having only one sibling two children seemed right to me but my husband wanted four children and that is, in fact, (surprise, surprise!) what happened.
We grew up in an era where two parents going out to work was a choice that not everybody made. When we had our first child there was precious little spare cash, but when push came to shove, I couldn't leave my son. I tried Early Childhood Learning Centers, of course, but it was all so hopeless. He'd cry when I'd leave and I told my boss that I couldn't do it. He wasn't a fan of mothers of young children working, and we agreed it wasn't worth it; not for the money; not for the stress and guilt.
Another child was on the way soon after that, we moved overseas, another child came along, we moved back home and then the last was born here. If I had wanted to go out to work (and some days I truly did!) I couldn't. There was so much work and so many people who needed to be attended to. It was best, we felt, for him to attend to creating money while I attended to keeping us all happy, well and thriving.
There's absolutely no doubt that he shouldered the responsibilities of creating wealth. A large family is a very expensive proposition these days and he wanted them to have the education we had; at private schools; the best. It doesn't come cheap, especially not in the past decade.
Added to his responsibilities, towards his extended family and to us, came a deep need to prove himself. When things happen early on and a doubt is seeded in the mind, there is a need to prove yourself and my husband yearned for success for more reasons than procuring cash. He's not an indulged person and nor does he need that much. He does need to be immersed in exciting ventures and ideas and he needs success as an indicator to his family and himself that he has overcome the battles.
My husband often talks about being passionate; that to achieve you need to have passion; to immerse yourself in something with a never-say-die approach. He believes that obstacles can be overcome and even if you aren't good at something that shouldn't stop you. He believes that people should do things not necessarily because they enjoy them but because they need to be done. He has a strong work ethic and when engaged, my husband puts 100% of himself into the task.
I confess what my husband is passionate about often leaves me cold. I can be frustrated at a decision by the Government but he almost takes it personally. One night last week, we happened, the children and I, to raise our protest at language being used by other political leaders to describe the Prime Minister and therein ensued a debate so lively that I shudder to think what the sweet mathematics tutor in the next room thought of our behaviour. He is passionate about life; he has strong opinions, to the point where I said to our our oldest son as he and I washed up, "No more politics now. That's out as a topic of family conversation!" and he agreed.
With this much sense of responsibility; this much passion for life, science, medicine, politics; what have you; of wanting to achieve and have success; I wonder if I must accept that my husband, whilst loving me dearly, doesn't need to find and express his passion in me.
Of course, he sometimes does. There are cycles and he returns to me, but the thought of topping me regularly, or organizing me or giving me rules or even playing with me regularly is, I think, another responsibility that is one too much in his life, and in his head.
It is important to remember where we started. When we started our lives together, he was much the same as he is now. He hasn't changed. Nor, have I changed. It was lonely for me from the outset. I always knew that something was missing, that my needs weren't being met, but I didn't know how to put them into words that he understood. He would praise me to others, explaining how I had my own interests and how we didn't encroach on one another. He seemed so content with the arrangement whereas I was just confused.
Well, eventually, as you may know by now, I explained myself in its entirety to him and he certainly enjoyed the path that I took him on and on occasions, when the cycle comes around, he still does. But, he'll never be one to give me rules or ensure that rules are followed or aid my submissive nature that way. He can give me wonderful experiences but he can't give me that owned feeling, day by day.
Now, I have lost much sleep over this dilemma because as I allowed my submissive nature air and expressed my needs, over which I have little control, the desire for more and more control grew. For me, it's not something that I can express from time to time and thrive. My nature is with me around the clock. I needed to think very carefully about what to do; I needed some resolution of the dilemma in my mind.
Let me say, without a shadow of a doubt, leaving my marriage is out of the question. We are life partners and neither of us has any wish to bring to a close a partnership that has been a happy and fulfilling one.
Nor can I accept that I be put in the situation of asking each and every time I feel the need for some act of Dominance from him. I can't see how that is a functional suggestion and believe me, I have tried to take it on. In my opinion, either his desire to provide some form of control is there or it is not and if it is not, I see no point in manipulating that lack of desire or asking him to artificially turn it on on my behalf.
Rather, it seems to me, it is better to accept my husband with the nature that God and circumstances gave him and to trust that the wheel will turn; that we will again, as we have thousands of times before, have experiences that feed my submissive soul.
In an ideal world, given what I know now about myself, yes, of course, I'd be with a man who relishes controlling me, but few of us live in an ideal world and I can't waste my life wishing for something that I can't have. Nor, can I have any assurance that this outcome isn't what it was always meant to be. How can I know for sure that if I had waited long enough to marry to know my true self that I hadn't fallen into the hands of someone who ultimately did me harm? How can I know that this is not the path that was intended for me in this life?
Along the way, I learned strategies that aid me, day by day, enormously. The bimbo mindset, the anal training, the communion with my self all soothe my soul. I still have moments of divine peace and fulfillment. I still am happily married. I enjoy my life. I have wonderful friends. I'm lucky that way.
The local police cruisers in my part of the world are emblazened with the simple motto: "Deeds Speak". I try to live my life in recognition of that fact; that we might say whatever we choose, but our actions are ultimately the primary indicator of our values.
ReplyDeleteI would also make another observation: we carve out attention to those things in our life that are of importance. If your husband gives you attention only sparodically, it is because he beleives in his heart that other matters are often of greater importance to him than you are. It sounds harsh, but I am writing from experience on this matter.
In the past I have been guilty of cyclical behaviour in my relationship with my wife. We would have times of coming together and times of drifting apart. The times when we were together were fabulous but there were underlying issues that we didn't address and we were not skilled in recognizing those and discussing them. The result was a freeze-thaw cycle that eventually created cracks in the mortar of our marriage. Furthermore the repeated cyclical nature meant that the quality of our connections, at those times when we came together, suffered as each we lost the belief that "this time it's for real". Eventually the relationship was undermined to such an extent that it fell apart.
We lived for two years in separate homes, licking our wounds and learning some rather uncomfortable truths about ourselves and each other. During that time we went to couple counselling and individual counselling and learned to look deep inside ourselves. To the surprise and relief of each of us we realized that our lives were far richer when together and connected than we could possibly imagine or hope for ourselves otherwise. We resolved to break the cyclical nature of our relationship and to make each other our top priority.
What came out of that is a belief that nothing, no matter what, is more important to us than our partnership and our love for each other. Having experienced that deep and profound revalation, we are now remarkably strong and connected. We find each other permanently delightful and sexy. The freeze-thaw ended 7 years ago and shows no signs of returning.
We are both far from perfect and we understand that we might never be an ideal fit in some areas. But having known how close we came to losing each other, we have a passion to ensure our relationship is treasured and nurtured and always given what it needs to flourish. With two children still at home and my responsibilities at work as a C-Level executive our lives are filled with many other distractions and stresses. But sincerely believing that nothing is more important than our other half gives us a perspective that really helps us cope with whatever comes our way.
"fallen into the hands of someone who ultimately did me harm" Your words resonate. I believe women with submissive natures are more at risk to be abused.
ReplyDeleteYour husband sounds like a lovely man. Sometimes I wonder if we yearn for things from other people that don't even exist, apart from
fiction and fairy tales. We must always take
care of ourselves, and that sometimes is a lonely place to be.
Thank you for such honest writing.
Rollymo: Thank you for your comments and I appreciate you revealing some of your life, and your candor. Yes, I think sometimes he does put other matters ahead of me. He means me no harm but he is a driven man; conscious of his responsibilities and trying to get various things up and running whilst battling chronic fatigue and a lifelong battle with feeling he works best in the middle of the night, leading to a lack of rest. I'm hopeful that as the pressure comes off to support all these people he will begin to relax, to holiday regularly and to enjoy himself. The rest will follow.
ReplyDeleteSusan: Such a kind comment! He *is* a wonderful man, so earnest; so profoundly good. He can get lost in his rather overactive, complicated mind but I know he will always find his way back to me. I've been loving him since my first year at college and he, me. I think he's a keeper.
Vesta, this was most interesting; if only we could read more of this kind of candid description of married life, we might be the wiser for it. Very often in my marriage (this is my third and surely my last!) I have times of feeling separate; the young girls in the town attract me strongly; but my wife and I have been together for more than 21 years and although we have tiffs from time to time I just wait them out, knowing that eventually - just a few days, usually - things will come back to normal if I don't try to push it. Life has to be savoured, not manipulated. Life seems to play us together.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm: Well, I'm just so (pleasantly) startled by your comment. I thought of you about 20 minutes ago, it suddenly occurring to me that I hadn't heard from you in a long time. How amazing!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your generous comment. I was in the car today and I tuned into the lyrics of various love songs on the radio. They were about lovers having tiffs or having lost their way and finding their way back to one another. It's a pretty common theme! We're all pretty fragile really and misunderstandings happen, despite our best intentions.
In fact, my husband and I haven't had a tiff at all but rather I would adore to be romanced; for him to put down tools and do something to sweep me off my feet. He could take me to dinner, if he chose, or he could simply come and ravish me with kisses and make love. I want his attention. I want to be assured he still loves (and wants) me in a very tangible way. Now, he did just that two weeks ago but my mind forgets and has to be reassured constantly. To that end, I am high maintenance.
I hope that you are well. It's lovely to hear from you again.
I don't doubt that submissive girls are more at risk of being manipulated and abused by the unscrupulous. They are also very often tender hearted, which again makes them vulnerable to poor treatment. I think that submissive girls gain a feeling of safety and comfort from having the right kind of control exerted over them.
ReplyDeleteI should imagine that having attention come and go is a very difficult scenario for a submissive girl to deal with. I think that your writing here shows a great depth of thought and understanding. Your attitude is pragmatic and quite admirable.
"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
Whether you believe in God or not, that little paragraph is a major lesson in life.
Just my thoughts obviously.
Do you ever speak up and simply ask your husband for what you need emotionally? As in, saying "I would like a holiday with you" or "I would like to relax with you" and negotiate a suitable time with him. Rather than passively hoping his schedule will settle down etc. etc. It sounds like he's used to organising everything but would it work if this time, you organised the holiday and relaxation time? I find that unless I organise something myself, it doesn't happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm also wondering where your needs come into play in your relationship. It's all very well being sexually submissive (I like it too) however I feel it's important to have a sense of self outside the relationship which is why I would suggest that you engage in projects of your own-hobbies, courses, holidays with friends etc. I realise that women are socialised to be incredibly self-sacrificing however it is *not* selfish to take care of our own needs. It will make your life much more enriching and fulfilling plus it will make you less dependent on your husband for emotional support.
I think once your husband sees how busy and content you are, he will ironically enough pay you more attention. If a woman is too nice and too available to a man, the man will take her for granted and assume that she's always there, like she's part of the furniture almost.
I do understand that you need something to satisfy your submissive needs so therefore I would suggest doing mindfulness, yoga, relaxation exercises (you get the the idea lol) that will induce the same sense of tranquility and peace within you so you're not as reliant on getting it from an actual person.
Also agree with anonymous above on the serenity prayer-ultimately you can control yourself and your own actions, not your husband's.
Do you have other sources of support too? eg from friends, family etc.
Anon 1: It's very nice to hear from you again. The Serenity Prayer makes a great deal of sense. Much better to put your energies into those areas where you can have some positive influence. I think the attention comes and goes according to the levels of anxiety he feels. That's pretty much the situation in a nutshell. Obviously, at those times he needs sanctuary. He's made that clear over many years. So, generally speaking I just keep myself occupied and hope and pray that the anxiety he is feeling will diminish. Spending some time together in a fun way is an opportunity to leave a bit of that anxiety in the study. If the anxiety seeps out into my life too greatly I find that I eventually feel unsafe, in every way. His anxiety has eroded my well-being. So, I try to communicate with him about that and put the anxiety into perspective. It doesn't always work and I have to leave him to it. Yes, such times are very taxing on me. But, if I can't change it (returning to the Serenity Prayer, which is what I live by) then I recognize that and go about my business, trusting that when he is ready, he will seek me out.
ReplyDeleteAnon 2: It is indeed definitely my responsibility to organize virtually all relaxation time. It is true that if I didn't suggest a holiday or a weekend away that it is most unlikely to happen. As it happens I'm very busy myself at this time and so the getaways that are so crucial for us can't happen right now. But, I agree, completely.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's work is currently such that if I were to come to him and take away his focus for even a minute, I am at risk of being blamed for a poor outcome, so after many years of this sort of thing, I ask next to nothing of his time in this scenario. When he is available I try to make those times anxiety free; carefree.
I actually have a great deal of my own interests and yoga, pilates, walking with friends, charity groups, my writing course, my children, cooking, gardening, a reading group...provide me with much sustenance. I agree that is important.
The state of our relationship, which is the most important relationship of my life, is dependent on his level of anxiety. If the anxiety is very high, as it is now, then I really don't have much choice but to wait out that anxiety. But, given his total absorption in a business issue and his difficulty in quarantining his personal life he has asked me to come to him when I need something, and yes, I need to try to do that before I am in too much distress. I agree with that too. I shall try.
Thank you.