I closed the blog to readers for about half a day yesterday. I am sure it sounds a little silly but I was looking for completely neutral time to think. I have to say that overnight I felt a bit disconnected. This writing space of mine is very precious to me at the same time as I think I sometimes abuse the privilege and spill out stuff onto the page that shouldn't go there. It's a spillage of my emotions and I'm never proud of those moments.
At the same time, I think that when you attempt to just be very good the way that I do attempt to be very good and to please others, there does come a time when emotions are going to seep out. As uncomfortable as it was to have some very honest conversations with my husband on the weekend I think it did us both good in the end.
I think we're both very sure, quite certain really, that I do best and thus we do best if we keep to the plan - if we go about life under the sure knowledge that I need to feel some containment. I can do quite a lot by myself but I can't give myself a spanking, for example. I do best when I feel that sense of 'letting go' that comes when I'm spanked rather soundly.
It's a bit unfortunate that I got upset when he was actually giving me some nice attention but I have to say that when I'm in a lot of need, a light spanking isn't going to do the job. I want something longer; something more intense, because I want to submit to the experience; to feel the struggle and to have these words go off in my head - 'you can't do anything about it'; 'you have to bunker down and accept'; 'just let go'. It's then that I feel very cared for; very owned; very free and at peace.
I think you can get that experience in various ways. Spanking is one way; a daily demand of a fairly challenging kind, such as anal training is another and dare I mention being told that I can't pleasure myself is another. That's why photographs of chastity belts and rings through the clitoris keeping the lips locked can throw me into a deep state of arousal. Should I see such a photograph I may instinctively wake up squeezing, because the very thought of such containment is so very arousing to me.
On another matter, I'd like to say that it was very sweet of a handful of people to write to me immediately and ask what had happened when they found my blog closed, because they read my blog every day and could they please go on reading. And, when I wrote back to them to say the blog would be back up soon, they wrote to say thank you. I must say that I am impressed to have such very polite readers, reminding me that behind this screen I am actually connecting with people (most of whom remain anonymous, of course) who actually care about my words. Gosh, that's such a lovely thought because my blog and my words are really all about making connections. I'm never happier than when I feel very close to people. That's what it is all about.
At the same time, I think that when you attempt to just be very good the way that I do attempt to be very good and to please others, there does come a time when emotions are going to seep out. As uncomfortable as it was to have some very honest conversations with my husband on the weekend I think it did us both good in the end.
I think we're both very sure, quite certain really, that I do best and thus we do best if we keep to the plan - if we go about life under the sure knowledge that I need to feel some containment. I can do quite a lot by myself but I can't give myself a spanking, for example. I do best when I feel that sense of 'letting go' that comes when I'm spanked rather soundly.
It's a bit unfortunate that I got upset when he was actually giving me some nice attention but I have to say that when I'm in a lot of need, a light spanking isn't going to do the job. I want something longer; something more intense, because I want to submit to the experience; to feel the struggle and to have these words go off in my head - 'you can't do anything about it'; 'you have to bunker down and accept'; 'just let go'. It's then that I feel very cared for; very owned; very free and at peace.
I think you can get that experience in various ways. Spanking is one way; a daily demand of a fairly challenging kind, such as anal training is another and dare I mention being told that I can't pleasure myself is another. That's why photographs of chastity belts and rings through the clitoris keeping the lips locked can throw me into a deep state of arousal. Should I see such a photograph I may instinctively wake up squeezing, because the very thought of such containment is so very arousing to me.
On another matter, I'd like to say that it was very sweet of a handful of people to write to me immediately and ask what had happened when they found my blog closed, because they read my blog every day and could they please go on reading. And, when I wrote back to them to say the blog would be back up soon, they wrote to say thank you. I must say that I am impressed to have such very polite readers, reminding me that behind this screen I am actually connecting with people (most of whom remain anonymous, of course) who actually care about my words. Gosh, that's such a lovely thought because my blog and my words are really all about making connections. I'm never happier than when I feel very close to people. That's what it is all about.
Phew that was a heart tumbling moment when I couldn't access your blog; I'm so pleased it's not permanent and you're back!
ReplyDeletexx
magick: Giggling. I'm so sorry to put you through that. Yeah. Don't think I'm remotely close to not writing in this little journal of mine.
ReplyDeleteI hope that things are well with you. I'd love to catch up with your news.
I'm curious about your comment "I think I sometimes abuse the privilege
ReplyDeleteand spill out stuff onto the page that shouldn't go
there. It's a spillage of my emotions and I'm never
proud of those moments."
Can you explain the abuse of privilege notion? Is it that you sometimes share thoughts about your owner that he is uncomfortable with, or that you think your readers ought not know? I have noted at least one prior instance where a beautifully written article that portrayed your need for more attention from your owner was pulled after 24 hours. Was that at his instruction? Or is it that you share emotions that you think are inappropriate for us to be troubled with? As a frequent reader of your blog I can testify that it is precisely this sharing of emotion (and at times frustration) that creates a connection and gives your writing depth and gravitas. It would be a pity if this blog became permanently upbeat, fluffy and complimentary to those in power. That's when reportage becomes propaganda.
rollymo: Well, there are a few reasons why I'm not happy with certain posts and I might pull them, (or they might never be published). I think if this were a journal that only strangers read, I'd say more at times than I do. I guess my primary thought is that I don't want to offend or hurt anybody. That thought is utmost in my mind. I also think that there are some things it is very hard to take back, and we all aim never to say those things out loud, even if we think them. I think I try very hard to be contained as an individual because there are some things that you cannot change, that you have to bear and that an emotional breakdown of even a short duration can be very upsetting to others and also to me. I do try to be logical and sensible and to keep my emotions in check. And, my nature, I am ethereal about 90%+ of the time. No matter how I might feel one day, often the next day, or the next hour or so, something, something quite small can happen to turn my thinking around and give me great pleasure. I felt that yesterday, in fact, this lovely sense of joie de vivre that arrived into my consciousness; this delightful sense of erotic hunger and the thought of how lucky I was to be alive and to enjoy the little things in life. And, I don't like myself when I complain. I don't like to re-read the words. I find it rather selfish. In times like that, I return my attention to others because I think I've become too self-absorbed.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I appreciate your candor and your point of view. Alas, I doubt it will be the last time that emotions spill out onto the page. Prior to last weekend I felt I was doing a reasonably good job of working through my emotions in other ways rather than hurtling words down here. But, I am far from perfect, as you know!
I was one who also was more than a little concerned that your blog was gone! I'd truly hate for you to vanish. I may not comment always but your thoughts have provoked me more than a few times into thinking about things I never understood.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you feel emotional spillage should be avoided... after all .. this is YOUR place and you should always feel free to write whatever, whenever you wish.
cheers~