Monday, October 15, 2012

Deep Self

The academic/writing work I've been doing asks that I consider what motivates someone to make certain choices and most importantly, what motivates them to choose a certain person to be their wife or husband. It suggests that we are drawn to someone for reasons that we may not be able to articulate; that we go along almost hostage to our deeper thoughts. Our attraction to that person is made up of parts that we don't entirely understand.

In the writing I am studying the man is obsessed with a girl; a girl that is obsessed with another man. It's a love triangle. In fact, the man obsessed with the girl does have his way with her, when the man with whom she is obsessed has an epiphany and realizes that he must walk away from her. His troubles are such that in order to create the least collateral damage, he needs to go solo.

The man, after all that obsessing understands finally that he and the girl were never meant to be together; that she isn't moving towards him but rather moving away from her husband. In effect, no one of them was right for the other and it's time for all of them to move on.

Having spent the best part of the weekend reading the source material I found myself, surprisingly, most struck by the third wheel in the story; the man who wants the girl that he can't have. A tortured soul due to his obsession, it is only when he is still enough for long enough to allow communion with his Deep Self that he can see reality clearly. Within him was the truth all along but only late in the story can he see all the players for what they are; for what he is, too. Finally, he can lay the matter to rest and move on with his life.

It's the poignant story of longing; of soulful longing of that which was never meant to be ours.  Whilst we leave the characters at this point, something tells us that they will be all right; that their darkest days may well be behind them.

It makes me wonder if one of the most courageous things we can do is to reach into our Deep Self, to recognize ourselves for just who we are; what we think; what we obsess about and to go the extra step of revealing that inner world to our partners. Can we truly say that we are united, body and soul, if we keep that understanding to ourselves? Perhaps, we hold back from revealing ourselves in depth to a husband or wife because we suspect that there are parts of us that are not at all likable; selfish; demanding; hungry; wanton; greedy.

Is it better, we may wonder, to hold a little of that detail back and to accept the other just as they are; to count our blessings; to be grateful. Do we, in fact, through marriage, ask too much of the other; to accept us for all our failings and we, in turn, accept our other for his or hers? This is the tango of life and devotion to one another is a noble and wonderful act, in spite of some possible incompatibility; some part of the soul that may remain in reserve, unrequited.

" No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main," wrote John Donne, yet it is true there is a part of us that is nearly always alone;  perhaps should be alone.

I think this is exactly why I write. There is something about the essence of me that I don't really want to take alone to my grave.

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