I strongly encourage you to nurture your very old friendships. Knowing someone for decades is a lovely, lovely friendship to have in your life. Every week or perhaps a fortnight, my oldest friend and I go walking the dogs and after that we have a bite of lunch in the open air. All the while, we chat. We've been good friends for over fifty years now and in all those years we've never had a fight.
So we were walking back to our cars this week when I asked her what she was reading at the moment. She mentioned an autobiography she'd finished and then she mentioned that she read, for free, the first 90 pages of 50 Shades of Grey.
What a load of rubbish that was, she said. The writing was dreadful and there was this simple, naive character who was being led up the back lane by this older perverted man...
"Oh really?"
"Yes, and when a dominatrix turned up well I said to myself, this is definitely not for me."
"A dominatrix?"
I was laughing now.
"Well, for God's sake, what sort of a stupid, young girl is going to get hooked up with a man wanting to do those things to her?"
Now I was laughing very hard.
"But, all jokes aside, Ves, it's not a good role model for young women to be reading this stuff..."
"But, it's not just young woman reading it, it's middle aged women."
"Well, I can't understand it at all. All this submissive bullshit..."
I thought about her on the way home, and again later in the day. She's an earthy girl. She lost her virginity earlier than me. She was more buxom and more comfortable around boys than I was as a girl. As a woman, she's been constant and reliable. She brought up her children with devotion and she's been a very steady wife, empathic towards her husband's moods and needs, if not a tad frustrated. But, who hasn't been frustrated at times?
She's been very willing to play the game; very happy to hang onto her husband's shirt tails and play her role in the marriage but it's very true that she has not been submissive to him. She's insisted at times on them doing things and she's got her way. As she says, she has influence over him and he does listen to her. I've seen him pat her tail. He's quite fond of doing that and she knows not to cross him. They've had a few real rows and the odd one has really upset her. She likes peace and constancy. I think she's had a happy life because she has a positive state of mind. She's short of confidence which keeps her life relatively unchallenged but she's come to enjoy that there are few challenges. She's not frustrated by that as I was for a time.
Our natures were set from very early ages. She challenged the authority of school mistresses and masters. I eventually pulled her aside and told her she needed to play the game, graduate and move on. She took that advice and she credits me for it often. She was a rough and tumble gal as a child, whilst I was the ballerina and pianist and book worm. We could not have been more different. Whilst she was out playing hockey I was alone with my thoughts, perverted even way back then, my constant fear being that my mind could be read.
If she knew me as I am she'd be pretty devastated, I think. How could Ves, that quiet but confident, studious and innocent girl want to be submissive?! She had the brains to be what she wanted to be, so why want to be submissive; to be told what to do; to be contained and controlled?!
I wouldn't know where to begin to explain my thinking, quite honestly, after 50 years... I imagine that all I could really say to her would be that in my moments of submission I've had some of the best experiences of my life. She would not understand that at all. I can only hope that it would not derail the longest and most enduring friendship of my life.
So we were walking back to our cars this week when I asked her what she was reading at the moment. She mentioned an autobiography she'd finished and then she mentioned that she read, for free, the first 90 pages of 50 Shades of Grey.
What a load of rubbish that was, she said. The writing was dreadful and there was this simple, naive character who was being led up the back lane by this older perverted man...
"Oh really?"
"Yes, and when a dominatrix turned up well I said to myself, this is definitely not for me."
"A dominatrix?"
I was laughing now.
"Well, for God's sake, what sort of a stupid, young girl is going to get hooked up with a man wanting to do those things to her?"
Now I was laughing very hard.
"But, all jokes aside, Ves, it's not a good role model for young women to be reading this stuff..."
"But, it's not just young woman reading it, it's middle aged women."
"Well, I can't understand it at all. All this submissive bullshit..."
I thought about her on the way home, and again later in the day. She's an earthy girl. She lost her virginity earlier than me. She was more buxom and more comfortable around boys than I was as a girl. As a woman, she's been constant and reliable. She brought up her children with devotion and she's been a very steady wife, empathic towards her husband's moods and needs, if not a tad frustrated. But, who hasn't been frustrated at times?
She's been very willing to play the game; very happy to hang onto her husband's shirt tails and play her role in the marriage but it's very true that she has not been submissive to him. She's insisted at times on them doing things and she's got her way. As she says, she has influence over him and he does listen to her. I've seen him pat her tail. He's quite fond of doing that and she knows not to cross him. They've had a few real rows and the odd one has really upset her. She likes peace and constancy. I think she's had a happy life because she has a positive state of mind. She's short of confidence which keeps her life relatively unchallenged but she's come to enjoy that there are few challenges. She's not frustrated by that as I was for a time.
Our natures were set from very early ages. She challenged the authority of school mistresses and masters. I eventually pulled her aside and told her she needed to play the game, graduate and move on. She took that advice and she credits me for it often. She was a rough and tumble gal as a child, whilst I was the ballerina and pianist and book worm. We could not have been more different. Whilst she was out playing hockey I was alone with my thoughts, perverted even way back then, my constant fear being that my mind could be read.
If she knew me as I am she'd be pretty devastated, I think. How could Ves, that quiet but confident, studious and innocent girl want to be submissive?! She had the brains to be what she wanted to be, so why want to be submissive; to be told what to do; to be contained and controlled?!
I wouldn't know where to begin to explain my thinking, quite honestly, after 50 years... I imagine that all I could really say to her would be that in my moments of submission I've had some of the best experiences of my life. She would not understand that at all. I can only hope that it would not derail the longest and most enduring friendship of my life.
I just a similar conversation with a friend... a soccer mum as we watched our boys scoring their goals. Our friendship is not one of decades, we have not made the first. The conversation around 50 shades was filled with laughter as she told me the hardware shops were said to be selling out of clothesline rope and the equestrian shops sold out of riding crops! Urban myth I suspect. But it interesting how different people react to the shades series.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read it and I don't think I will be reading it any time soon. My need has shifted since I started living the dream! ;). My friend used the word 'porno' but I couldn't help feeling, as she explained to me the in's and out's of bdsm, that though she outwardly reeled and recoiled at the thought of this perversion, she wouldn't mind a trip to the bridle and tackle shop in the very near future. I choose not to share with her the delights I am discovering. Well its private isn't it? Only to be shared publically and anonymously via a blog or two and I have a family to consider.
littleone: That must have been fun for you. One of my favorite scenes from 'Nine and a half weeks' is when they go into a riding shop together and he tries out the various whips, flailing them at the air and finally striking it against the stool (?) she is sitting on. The two male shopkeepers look on helplessly. Then, she uses it in her striptease act for him. Man, oh man, I so love that story and the interplay between them. No, wait; maybe it is not my favorite scene. Remember when she has to dress as a man and they sit side by side in the restaurant and he says to her, "I have this chick downtown. This chick is SO hot..." And, then the love making in the alley way is fantasmigorical...
ReplyDeleteBut, I digress. Yes, it has to be a secret, I guess. It's best my family don't know what I think as well. Frankly, my mind gets sluttier and sluttier. It's my dirty little secret.
I think 50 Shades of Grey would be intimidating for some women and open doors for others in terms of the subject matter. It's on the bedside table of many middle aged women so there's something about what they are reading that keeps them reading. Like you, I'd rather the real deal.
Not saying this is your friend, but I think some women protest a bit too much. = ) Those of us who know who we are are so fortunate.
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful to have a friend who has known you through all the seasons of your life.
Susan
Susan: Yes, having all that history we are completely comfortable with one another. And yet, she doesn't really know me, what I want and what I crave because she can't imagine *anyone* wanting that. That I would want an authority figure in my life, someone to whom I was accountable and someone who was willing to look out for me and know me in my entirety (and love me for just who I am), is something that she can't quite understand. Interestingly, she very much wants to be looked after monetarily and to be loved, and she's willing to reciprocate in turn with her role, but she can't see that some women yearn for something even deeper and stronger; that they want a demanding (but gentle souled) man who will take what he wants, and that this arrangement suits some women perfectly.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine told me she was reading this as well. I was surprised to say the least..as she said, all this tying people up just isn't something she'd like.
ReplyDeleteBut .. she ordered the book and hasn't stopped reading it. Sir thinks perhaps there is more to her reading than meets the eye.
But I'd never be able to ask her without loosing the friendship.
I'll always wonder about her!
Nancy: If someone protests, it is almost impossible to tell their real state of mind, I think. They've got the advantage there. With people other than you kind folk, I don't speak my mind about all these matters. I don't protest and I don't offer an opinion. I am much too afraid I will give myself away. In fact, I am quiet to the point of seeming (I hope) naive. I do tend to smile or laugh because it is such a huge joke for me...they are talking to the gal who lives for her moments of submission.
ReplyDeleteIn my own way, with this blog I am 'culture jamming'. Love the thought that I am a 'culture jammer'!
I almost didn't read it, because of all the protests about "bad writing" and "boring storytelling" and "annoying characters," by my girlfriends. My boyfriend actually bought it for me while we were on vacation and left it on my bedstand without a word. Six hours later, I was clawing at him and really haven't stopped since. Hmmmmm... Anyway, I had to look up some of the terms and definitions from the book because I wasn't familiar with them. From there, I discovered your blog and others, which has been so helpful as we've entered this exploration of D/s. It has changed our entire relationship dynamic and brought me a lot of peace. My friends and family have noticed our changing dynamic and I tell them that I have decided to trust my boyfriend's judgment and decisions, that he hasn't given me any reason not to, and that we're working on a more honest, giving relationship. (I leave the part about the leather paddle out.) He acts like all the changes are my idea, but that book didn't end up on my bedstand all by itself!
ReplyDeletePS. Thanks Vesta, for being a tremendous resource to me these past few months. xo
Anon: Awwwww, that's so sweet! Whilst 'Shades of Grey' isn't exactly the best written story in the world it has enabled many people to embrace something of themselves that they were not able to do before reading it. Lord knows, I read a bunch of crappy stories a few years ago just because it helped me to feel that part of myself. If somebody was getting spanked or being given an instruction I was right into it and not too worried about the other details of the story or the quality of the writing. I'd recommend 'Nine and half weeks' if you'd like to read something else. It's not a happy ending but just luxuriate in their exchanges.
ReplyDeleteYou sound really happy and I'm absolutely delighted for you. Keep on enjoying one another!