After a hectic morning taking care of others, I needed the sanctity of a Pilates class; just me and the mat. We began standing up moving our arms from side to side and as I watched my hands I was aware of my newly 'rebalanced' claws. I haven't cut them in quite a while and Peter used special creme on them this time instead of varnish. I loved the result and this morning I was very aware of my claws - dolly nails; nails that encouraged me into an objekt sort of space in my mind.
I was calm and relatively tranquil; trying to give my mind the opportunity to go where it would. I am so often looking for that it space, but it is not so easily found at the moment. I do what I have been trained to do and I love that I have no resistance to any of this - the nails, the bimbo switch; the anal training. It's all a part of my life now and I give thanks for that every day.
Yet, the feeling is there, more and more each day really; that desire for intense control; the opportunity to feel just like an objekt - peaceful, controlled. Somebody else makes the decisions and I comply. He says do this, and I obey, because I am a doll and dollies know no other way. Dollies want no other way. This thought pervades my thinking and I relish it; play with it; relax with it and embrace it.
The Pilates mat is where I have sometimes experienced this objekt frame of mind, so I remained open to it; not forcing anything; hopeful...
And, it happened. I was in a crunch on my back and pulling up into a position with my legs up in the air when it simply came over me. I was a puppet and the puppeteer was pulling my strings. I only could move when he chose to pull the strings and up I came. Down I went, when he was ready for me to do so.
From then on, for a blessed ten or more minutes, every move I made, I waited first for the puppeteer to move my strings. There was a breath while I waited and I was moved. This was an incredibly beautiful time for me; a time of great peace and contentment. The connection between the invisible puppeteer and me was rhythmic. Not only did he control the movements of my body but my breathing and my mind. This was a place of total harmony. No resistance lives here; no desire to do anything that has not been instructed. The trust is infinite. The desire to please is innate. The understanding that this is my purpose is complete.
Of course, when it came time for relaxation and I lay like a corpse on my mat with my eyes closed this state of bliss and peace brought tears to my eyes; tears that welled behind my closed eyes and when I was instructed to sit up I needed to brush away the tears that fell quickly so that no-one could see. Far from tears of unhappiness they were tears of great joy. I felt truly blessed.
I was calm and relatively tranquil; trying to give my mind the opportunity to go where it would. I am so often looking for that it space, but it is not so easily found at the moment. I do what I have been trained to do and I love that I have no resistance to any of this - the nails, the bimbo switch; the anal training. It's all a part of my life now and I give thanks for that every day.
Yet, the feeling is there, more and more each day really; that desire for intense control; the opportunity to feel just like an objekt - peaceful, controlled. Somebody else makes the decisions and I comply. He says do this, and I obey, because I am a doll and dollies know no other way. Dollies want no other way. This thought pervades my thinking and I relish it; play with it; relax with it and embrace it.
The Pilates mat is where I have sometimes experienced this objekt frame of mind, so I remained open to it; not forcing anything; hopeful...
And, it happened. I was in a crunch on my back and pulling up into a position with my legs up in the air when it simply came over me. I was a puppet and the puppeteer was pulling my strings. I only could move when he chose to pull the strings and up I came. Down I went, when he was ready for me to do so.
From then on, for a blessed ten or more minutes, every move I made, I waited first for the puppeteer to move my strings. There was a breath while I waited and I was moved. This was an incredibly beautiful time for me; a time of great peace and contentment. The connection between the invisible puppeteer and me was rhythmic. Not only did he control the movements of my body but my breathing and my mind. This was a place of total harmony. No resistance lives here; no desire to do anything that has not been instructed. The trust is infinite. The desire to please is innate. The understanding that this is my purpose is complete.
Of course, when it came time for relaxation and I lay like a corpse on my mat with my eyes closed this state of bliss and peace brought tears to my eyes; tears that welled behind my closed eyes and when I was instructed to sit up I needed to brush away the tears that fell quickly so that no-one could see. Far from tears of unhappiness they were tears of great joy. I felt truly blessed.
Vesta, you paint such a beautiful picture of doll-like grace. I am moved by your words. You SO deserve the close and constant manipulation and control of a loving dominant (which reminds me, what did you make of the book?).
ReplyDeleteI hope one day your puppeteer comes to life...
Warmest wishes,
RollyMo
I think the gift of submissive training is that it allows you opportunities to embrace the Dominant flow of energy even if it's not an official Dom. Submitting to another's instructions can be such a powerful feeling even if it is not an actual relationship.
ReplyDeleteRollyMo: Those are very kind words. My warmest thanks.
ReplyDeleteSerenity: I enjoy your choice of words here - "embrace the Dominant flow of energy". I've thought carefully about your last sentence and I don't think there is any power for me in instructions if they are not part of an actual relationship. The stronger the connection the more the instructions mean to me. I'm capable of feeling strongly about wanting to please, say, a Professor and accepting his/her instructions but even that is a relationship: he/she has a responsibility to me and I have the onus on me to live up to or even exceed his/her expectations.