Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Spiritual sexuality

I'm at the tail end of a subject that is particularly scholarly and philosophical and I've had a wonderful time. I know it all sounds so dry - Marxism, Feminism, Existentialism, Post-colonial theory and so on - but I've thoroughly enjoyed it really. We studied Haiku poetry the week before last. I took my downloaded lecture with me to the soccer field on the Saturday afternoon so that I could watch my youngest son play soccer while I browsed at the notes and there were glorious moments of all being right with my world - a brisk winter afternoon with a good dose of sun, the delight of the young men battling it out for a win, the ideas presented in one of the reading materials of "spiritual moments". I even went so far as to write my own Haiku poem, not especially brilliant but it expressed a strong sense of belonging to the city that I don't feel on a day by day basis. It was me having one of my blessed days when I feel extraordinarily happy within myself.

When I got to write up my response to the unit I think my spirituality did shine through the post. I had been moved and I didn't shy away from writing about that. Late in the discussion I heard from a man who said he had been very inspired by my post and he wanted to discuss with me "the meaning of life". Oh my goodness, you could hardly hold my fingers back from the keys! In fact, you could not hold my fingers back from the keys and I wrote him back a reply that I hope sustained him.

It's this spirituality that really inspires me to write here on my best days. It must sound hocus pocus  to those coming here always hopeful to find something salacious and meaty but for me it's often not about that. It's an impossible mission to try to explain how my true nature, when revealed and given free rein opens doors for me to a very spiritual place where I feel like...a young girl running free through the summer fields with no shoes on...like a spirit that has no body to hold it back...like the essence of me is making contact with that being that created me for a specific purpose.

The feeling floods my mind with something, perhaps endorphins. I am not au fait with the technicalities. All I can say is that it is like a release of some sort of chemical and I feel whole when before I felt empty.

I have known all this for some time now but of course life can rob someone of the opportunity to experience it day by day. This consciousness isn't available to me every day. I suppose it is the difference between knowing something on a conscious level and feeling something on a spiritual level. It goes some way to explaining why I love churches,certain pieces of classical music, choirs and meditation. I am always hopeful for one of those cathartic experiences when I feel completely at home with myself; completely natural and fulfilled.

I write this down because these moments can be fleeting. Perhaps tomorrow I couldn't remember or explain what I can write down today. I feel sure that there is more than what we see; the real world. I know it. My sexuality is a door to the other side; to a feeling of great contentment and sustenance. It is why, no matter how old I grow, my sexuality will remain my strongest ally.

(P.S. I wrote this yesterday and I was right. I don't think I could have written it this morning. It's the reason why if you want to be a writer you must take a notebook wherever you go!)

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