Monday, April 9, 2012

Silence


The top of a relationship needs to think about what corrective/disciplinary measures he might take with his girl (or boy). It's inevitable that situations will crop up and he's going to want to have thought out what he plans to do about that. It seems clear that there are a wide range of measures available to him. He might want to just talk to her in a clear, concise way that whatever she did, he doesn't want her to do it again. Perhaps this measure is adequate. Some tops raise their voice (Oh come on, you know you do!) and that's not at all pleasant. I know it often stops me in my tracks because I don't want to spin that situation any further out than it already is. I don't like him being cross with me at all.

There are so many measures a top could take that it’s hard to know where to go from here. Of course, he might want to provide some corporal discipline; not the type she likes, but the type she doesn't like. If he isn't at all happy and she knows that, there's an atmosphere that goes with that that is entirely corrective. I get spanked (or whatever) as a correction but not when he's angry, thank goodness.

Growling at her; giving her a good telling off; a lecture; giving her a last warning before you turn her over your knee is usually more than enough, in my opinion. Your angry face or your angry words will have her whistling another tune quick smart. And, that's the whole idea, right?

He might ask her to write lines. I've been asked to do that but it was soon determined that I didn't find that a punishment. I enjoy writing lines. It's the sort of humiliating punishment that goes straight to my fantasies. Interestingly, once a top knows that you enjoy a punishment, he stops issuing it. I can't imagine why this is so...

There's corner time and I do hate this but fortunately it's not used, except on some very random occasions. It was used when I didn't have control of my responses and wouldn't be silent when I was told to be silent.

A top could use the strategy of taking a girl’s words away for a time. This is also fantasy material but I think it is a very useful measure to use when a girl just needs to settle herself down for a time. When used, say, for a day it goes beyond corrective and can lead to a deep peace, if all goes well.

Some tops prefer to put a girl under a cold shower for a minute or two, to restrain them in some way...The list goes on. I'm aware that some girls are put into chastity belts, corsets, made to wear an anal plug that is too small, rather big; perhaps coated in shampoo rather than lube. All of these measures can be corrective and at the same time, pleasurable. I don't deny that it can be tough to correct a girl when her perversions/fantasies can mean that she attains some pleasure in these directives.

I return to the thought that being in trouble is really the issue. The bottom doesn't want to be in trouble; to be in the bad books and that's really the correction; that he is not happy with you. It's a very vulnerable feeling; that the world isn't spinning around in a correct fashion.

I'm familiar with the technique of being dismissed when my behaviour has been thought to be wanting. "Leave the room," I will be told. "I don't wish your presence right now." "cindi can go away and think about that!". Or, simply silence.  I've never enjoyed that. I find it completely horrible. Most of the time, I'm given an opportunity fairly quickly to redeem myself. It might relate to my owner wanting an apology and when I am ready to apologize, he's ready to receive it and all is well.

My training with a mentor has found itself in this neck of the woods and whilst the words seem tame "talk wif da bimbo l8r", they are not. I know what they mean. I know that I didn't impress and that time is being 'granted' to think about that and decide if I want to pursue that line of action, or do things according to the D/s statutes. Since I hate the kind of silence that comes as a form of correction, I do what I need to do to return to good grace.

When dismissal lasts for a few hours or even a few days, I don't think any harm is done. It's a very effective way of telling a girl that she has crossed the line and I accept that sort of consequence. I don't need long to determine that I don't care at all for this outcome and I am happy to sort matters out to the satisfaction of the top. I'm very much a girl that wants to stay in the good books.

Having said that, I must say that ‘dismissal’ used over a period of years has led me to a place where I find uncertainty as to my status (good or bad books?) and silence without an understanding as to why there is silence, extremely upsetting. So upset did I become the last time I felt placed in this quandary that I determined an ending of the relationship was better than enduring this emotional pain.

That's a highly emotional reaction, I know, and not the best one at that. But, I distinctly recall at the time I had that feeling that I simply could endure it not a minute longer.  Perhaps, I had found my 'limit'; that measure or behaviour that I refused to and could not endure. I may have been wrong (was wrong) as to intention. I may have been (was wrong) to not have adequate trust. Yet, at the time, a long silence without full understanding as to whether this was corrective or simply entirely unavoidable was too much to bear.

This is the point I want to make loud and clear to any tops out there reading. If you determine that you must remove yourself from your submissive for some reason, it needs to be absolutely clear why your removal is occurring. Perhaps the silence has nothing to do with her. So, tell her. She needs to know if this is a correction, or not. What did she do wrong and what do you want her to think about while silence reigns? How long is this likely to take, do you think? If you want her to learn a lesson, go for it. But, be aware that she will suffer and how much emotional suffering do you want her to endure? There is a limit as to what the human heart can take.

All bottoms need to feel a connection to their tops. Even if the relationship is not romantic, even if it is a teacher/student relationship, for example, we submissive types must feel that we have pleased. When we know we haven't pleased, all we want to do is to make up for that. Silence is okay for a short burst of 'pull yourself together!' therapy but not okay for long bursts. She'll be tormented. When you decide to end her agony, you can't be sure you haven't broken her spirit; her heart.

I’m not blind to the fact that a connection can be so strong it can bear almost anything. It can be ripped apart and regrow. It can endure even after death. The human heart is very strong. Trust is a prerequisite for this sort of life as is forgiveness. Where there is a will, there is a way, but why take the risk?

8 comments:

  1. Vesta,

    Oh, you touched on something that's just awful for mouse to endure. While she can handle just about anything Omega could dish out (she also likes writing lines and ya, it was never done again) the times that mouse (or life circumstances) drove him to silence were the hardest! There were times that mouse upset him so, he'd not only not speak to her, but push away offerings of the sexual nature (like his morning oral). It's heart wrenching to mouse.

    Now, if there is something else going on, work concerns or other problems, it's easier for mouse to handle, but still rather distressing.

    Almost as bad is when the silence dam bursts, he gets deathly calm, expressing precisely where mouse ran off the rails. While his silence will be mostly lifted, he will remain darn frosty with mouse for a while longer.

    Please don't misunderstand it never lasts terribly long, few days at the most, and it's rarely used...except for the worst of offenses.

    Honestly, mouse would rather endure the worst corporal type of punishment than deal with that.

    Now, when he takes mouse's voice away is a different issue entirely.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  2. As a top you must always be clear about what is expected from the girl. You must also be very clear about why she is being punished. Lack of clarity will be mirrored by lack of learning. Girls should not be expected to operate satisfactorily when in a vacuum. This merely leads to unhappiness and confusion.

    There are very rare occasions when I am silent due to the level of annoyance I feel, it is made clear that I will deal with the situation shortly. Silence is imposed upon her when I feel she would benefit from silent reflection or when I require her silence to aid my own reflection.

    For a submissive girl the knowledge that she has displeased or disappointed is often sufficient punishment. Other than that a very sound spanking seems to do the job.

    Interesting article as always, keep it up.

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  3. Excellent remarks on a tough subject, Vesta. Thanks for offering your perspective!

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  4. mouse: I do understand your feelings and I do understand that this situation occurs very rarely. I want to underscore that fact too. If it happened all the time, it would be unbearable.

    Anon 1: I do agree with your thinking. My husband would really struggle to stay silent/absent for more than a few hours. He’s a big talker. So, on the odd occasion when he’s chosen to distance himself from me he’s made himself very clear that I need to think carefully about how I’m conducting myself.
    Since my mentor lives across the world and we’ve only ever used email and google chat (words) to communicate, I think he’s found it hard to “correct” me without enforcing a time of absence. But, over time I became deeply sensitive to this correction.
    There was some confusion the last time and I may well have misinterpreted the reason for the absence entirely. It seemed to me it was part and parcel of what might have appeared to be an unwillingness to comply. Hence, the longer the absence went the more upset I became until it felt unbearable and I behaved in a way that did little to clarify the confusion but rather went to an issue of my lack of trust.

    I accept that my trust was at issue but I also feel that distancing oneself from a submissive is a very severe form of correction and it is imperative that she clearly understands the reason why that must occur. I would think that a discussion prior to and immediately after the distance is the best way to ensure that she is clear as to intention and the period of time she is expected to endure the silence. I write about this because I have really suffered over this and I want to express my distress in an attempt to bring the matter out into the open and see what I can do to prevent it happening to someone else.

    Jake: Thank you for your support. It is indeed a difficult subject and I am trying to be as neutral as I can whilst acknowledging my own responses.

    Anon 2: This anonymous comment has all the hallmarks of other offensive comments that I and other Internet friends have received and I am struggling to understand why you regularly read and comment on blogs that have no bearing to your desires and/or beliefs. Why would you waste your time reading our words?
    You have misinterpreted both my life, my relationship with my husband and my posts. My husband and I are in a very happy and successful marriage of long standing. Introducing some aspects of a more formal D/s dynamic has had some issues for us that in no way compromise the strength and depth of the marriage. I take the time and effort to express all emotions here because it helps me to sort through my feelings and it seems to help other people to read here as well.
    You seem particularly offended by my vocabulary – doll, bimbo etc. These sorts of words are used deliberately as a form of liberation from the usual designated roles of husband/wife. It’s a vehicle into a very sexy/erotic play that fulfills us and that we find extremely arousing. Do you have a problem with role play altogether? If so, you are definitely reading the wrong blogs.
    I encourage comments with differing opinions but you can’t seem to form a respectful or polite comment. It is for this reason that you are not welcome to comment again unless you can learn some manners.

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  5. Of course I don't know the 'ins and outs' of the silence issue so cannot comment with any certainty. I would however say that withdrawing for any reason without explaining what the situation is would be a mistake. The longer that situation continues the worse things become. Leaving girls in a vacuum is a major mistake in my opinion. It causes confusion, hurt feelings, mistrust, the feeling of being adrift, uncared for etc. It is a mistake and perhaps shows a loss of self control and lack of leadership. As I say, I don't know the full circumstances or the people involved, but that would be how I would tend to view the situation. Leading requires a great deal of energy and concentration, particularly when carried out at a distance, it really is much harder.

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  6. Anon: You make a very important point, that leadership requires a great deal of energy and concentration. In my case, I was uncertain what had led to the silence, not at all sure if it was because I had done something wrong, and that uncertainty is what led to upset because it could not be clarified, potentially for a very long time.

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  7. I shall make one last comment and then exit stage as it were.

    "In my case, I was uncertain what had led to the silence, not at all sure if it was because I had done something wrong..."

    This of course is the entire point. Leading is not really about issuing orders, it is about teaching. If, as the leader, you undertake an action that leads to the situation you describe, what can be said about that action? What did you learn from that? The action is at best pointless because it failed to teach you anything or at worst counter productive because it taught you something that was not to your benefit.

    Unexplained silence, whether you mean it to be or not, is punishment. Punishment by withdrawing attention is a major mistake in my opinion. It is unsuitable.

    I have no idea why a leader would remain silent for any length of time as this quite obviously means that he is failing to lead during this period. However the girl should be told that if she needs (not wants) help or attention, if there are problems that she cannot deal with, then she will receive the attention/advice/leadership that is required at the time. Many submissive girls are really rather delicate, they tend to need more attention and looking after, not less. Just my opinion obviously.

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  8. Anon: I don't take issue with you. However, I find myself in the position of needing to defend the other person. It's a rather unique sort of situation. I got all worked up for the reasons you mentioned. However, we'd talked about the need for long and abrupt absences in the past. When another absence spun out into a long period of time I mistakenly felt that I was being punished rather than seeing the situation for what it was; another unavoidable absence/silence. Unfortunately, by then I was too worked up to simply state in an email my concerns and instead made all sorts of comments that I regret, because he was genuinely hurt at my lack of trust.

    You have probably realized by now that I deplore any strong connection with another human being being damaged and after a long association with him where his integrity was never an issue I am upset with myself that I didn't handle this much more diplomatically, with more empathy and with a much stronger sense of trust in him. He deserves to be angry with me about that.

    But, I agree, that the whole thing could have been avoided with a quick message explaining that another absence was about to begin and was unrelated to me, simply unavoidable. This would definitely have put my worried mind to rest and these words would never have been written.

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