I spent Friday night on my own. Well, first there were three people plus me to feed and finally just one person left in the house, apart from myself. I stayed up later than I meant to and the alarm went off at 5.30 am because I had forgotten to turn it off. I slept through a couple more hours but when I awoke I felt unrested.
The phone rang just before 9 am this Saturday morning with my husband asking a question. I was polite but not really chatty and he said to me, "You sound agitated, girl." I should know better than to bite at that piece of bait but alas I said, "Well, it's a bit annoying that you called me to ask this question. You could easily have woken me and I am very short of sleep."
He didn't like that and most probably because it was true. It was a bit thoughtless and his question was a bit obsessive. I didn't say any of that. I just stayed silent while I got a telling off. It raised my agitation and I did a few things after the call to try to rid myself of that feeling but it wasn't entirely successful. I remained agitated. I am still a little agitated.
I sympathize with him now that I think what his call may have really been about. Perhaps he called me to get a little relief from the visit with his father and I wasn't appropriately receptive to that possibility. His father now lives alone and his conversation tends to be rather negative and depressing now. Too much newspaper reading, radio listening and television watching has him thinking that the media's presentation of life is life. He talks about the doom and gloom as if that is all there is and as much as we love someone that can be hard to be around.
The definition of agitation is "an emotional state of excitement or restlessness." I am not really excited; more restless. I ask myself why this should be so. Hmmmm Well, nothing is really wrong per se except that I have a very strong desire to experience some sort of containment. It is what kept me up late; trying to read something or write something that would satisfy that need. The fantasies keep rolling through my head and there is no real way at this time to feed that desire. I think that's what is going on.
I could speak to the fact that when I am agitated I need to move; to do; to achieve. I am in the process of changing sheets and sorting the house because I am hoping that once I achieve something - a clean and tidy house at least, I will feel settled. It can't possibly hurt.
And, I went outside to the garden and experienced the beautiful morning. That helped but the work was inside so inside I came. Not to mention that I have a deadline; a story that is hanging over my head and the next week's module has to be done too. And, I have to go to the menders to fetch the school pants for Monday. It is a bore sometimes that there is always something to do.
But, they are all excuses and quite secondary to the fact that I have a strong desire to feel sensation. I'd gladly go over a lap or be bound or ...
Ohhhh, it just came to me. I know exactly what to do! Hang on a bit...
(Goes to bathroom and inserts anal plug)
Oh gooooodness, yes, that feels so much better. I feel lighter and brighter; ever so much more positive and ready to get on with the day. Literally, the fog has lifted in my head!
This morning in bed I read a good article about depression which you can read here -
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/magazine/the-science-and-history-of-treating-depression.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto
The article talks of Prozac and serotonin and all that we have learned about the brain but it also talks about mood and emotion. There is a lot we can do to alter the thoughts in our head and thus alter our mood. An early morning walk; sunshine on our skin; listening to music we enjoy; thinking about what we can be grateful for; slowing down a bit and taking one moment at a time; being aware of our agitated state, noticing it but not allowing it to control us. This all helps.
But, nothing helps me quite like the containment of wearing an anal plug. I am not saying it will work for everyone, of course. My mind was trained to take enormous comfort in this ritual. Whether I am being told to do it or not, the comfort is indisputable. Call it 'use' or 'containment' or 'ritual' or what you will, it's a surefire way for me to feel at ease.
The phone rang just before 9 am this Saturday morning with my husband asking a question. I was polite but not really chatty and he said to me, "You sound agitated, girl." I should know better than to bite at that piece of bait but alas I said, "Well, it's a bit annoying that you called me to ask this question. You could easily have woken me and I am very short of sleep."
He didn't like that and most probably because it was true. It was a bit thoughtless and his question was a bit obsessive. I didn't say any of that. I just stayed silent while I got a telling off. It raised my agitation and I did a few things after the call to try to rid myself of that feeling but it wasn't entirely successful. I remained agitated. I am still a little agitated.
I sympathize with him now that I think what his call may have really been about. Perhaps he called me to get a little relief from the visit with his father and I wasn't appropriately receptive to that possibility. His father now lives alone and his conversation tends to be rather negative and depressing now. Too much newspaper reading, radio listening and television watching has him thinking that the media's presentation of life is life. He talks about the doom and gloom as if that is all there is and as much as we love someone that can be hard to be around.
The definition of agitation is "an emotional state of excitement or restlessness." I am not really excited; more restless. I ask myself why this should be so. Hmmmm Well, nothing is really wrong per se except that I have a very strong desire to experience some sort of containment. It is what kept me up late; trying to read something or write something that would satisfy that need. The fantasies keep rolling through my head and there is no real way at this time to feed that desire. I think that's what is going on.
I could speak to the fact that when I am agitated I need to move; to do; to achieve. I am in the process of changing sheets and sorting the house because I am hoping that once I achieve something - a clean and tidy house at least, I will feel settled. It can't possibly hurt.
And, I went outside to the garden and experienced the beautiful morning. That helped but the work was inside so inside I came. Not to mention that I have a deadline; a story that is hanging over my head and the next week's module has to be done too. And, I have to go to the menders to fetch the school pants for Monday. It is a bore sometimes that there is always something to do.
But, they are all excuses and quite secondary to the fact that I have a strong desire to feel sensation. I'd gladly go over a lap or be bound or ...
Ohhhh, it just came to me. I know exactly what to do! Hang on a bit...
(Goes to bathroom and inserts anal plug)
Oh gooooodness, yes, that feels so much better. I feel lighter and brighter; ever so much more positive and ready to get on with the day. Literally, the fog has lifted in my head!
This morning in bed I read a good article about depression which you can read here -
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/magazine/the-science-and-history-of-treating-depression.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto
The article talks of Prozac and serotonin and all that we have learned about the brain but it also talks about mood and emotion. There is a lot we can do to alter the thoughts in our head and thus alter our mood. An early morning walk; sunshine on our skin; listening to music we enjoy; thinking about what we can be grateful for; slowing down a bit and taking one moment at a time; being aware of our agitated state, noticing it but not allowing it to control us. This all helps.
But, nothing helps me quite like the containment of wearing an anal plug. I am not saying it will work for everyone, of course. My mind was trained to take enormous comfort in this ritual. Whether I am being told to do it or not, the comfort is indisputable. Call it 'use' or 'containment' or 'ritual' or what you will, it's a surefire way for me to feel at ease.
I can't speak for all fetishists, but for me being in contact with my fetish material provides the same sense of ease and wellbeing. Suddenly all is right with me and the world. Those who aren't fetishists might think that a fetish is purely sexual and erotic to those who have them, but I find it is much more than that. It's embracing part of me that is really precious and special.
ReplyDeleteDo you find that the size of your anal plug matters when it comes to obtaining relief in this way?
Rollymo: Well, this is going to sound like I have been in denial but I hadn't thought of myself as a fetishist at all. I was introduced to acrylic nails and anal training as part of the mindset of a doll; something that I very much wanted and asked to explore. As it turned out, my willing acceptance (after some initial struggle) of such notions strongly suggests that the desire was there from the outset; even before the party began. So, yes, I would say now that I have some fetishes and that they do indeed bring me a great deal of comfort. I can recall more than just a few instances where I felt out of sorts with absolutely no idea what to do about it and when instructed to "go pluggi" I had a huge lift in mood immediately thereafter. No real surprise there.
ReplyDeleteMy sense of self at that point is indeed very special and when I am able to converse in that mindset I get a glow and a sense that I am being true to myself that is like nothing else I know. It is extraordinarily special to me and I totally understand where you are coming from.
In fact, I feel that I quite suddenly *get* fetishists; the enormous comfort and sense of coming home they feel when they indulge their fetish(es) is something that I now understand. So, thank you very much for leaving me this comment.
Different size anal plugs are for different purposes: day or night; challenge or maintenance. Each one is special in its own way, though I certainly do have my favourites.