I have just had a lovely little experience. We have been required to share our next writing assignment on the Discussion Board. That's fine if you choose to do a film review or a travel piece or whatever. If you choose to do something far more intimate that is rather daunting.
Discussion Boards are much like web journals because although you don't know me, and I don't know other bloggers, we do get the feeling that we know one another, in a way. That's part of the lovely experience of writing in a large forum like this.
There is a young man in our writing group who is clearly a vulnerable soul and although he hasn't responded to my work, I have been moved by his and responded to him. I wondered if it was the mother in me. I felt quite instinctively that he needed nurturing.
Anyway, he just put up a post about the fact that he is bi-sexual; that he wants to write about that; that he wants whatever he writes to move people. Since he's interested in blogging and has just recently got into that, I suggested he write this piece in the first person - to explain what it means to him to be a bi-sexual person - whether that is a choice, a preference or simply what it is. I offered to be a 'critical friend' and read for him, so we'll see how that goes.
He's a gentle soul. He wrote previously of his hurt the first time he was rejected by a friend and how that hurt still remains. He was making his first attempts to see how his behavior could have influenced the outcome of that situation, although he is still too young, I think, to realize that the whole dilemma had to do with his low self-esteem and probable confusion as to who he was.
In the heat of the moment, moments when I might get my knickers in a knot (who else is going to keep these divine old expressions alive if not me?) I can't see clearly my involvement in conflict. It happens very rarely, mind you. Occasionally, however, I respond badly to a situation not so much (or at all) because of what the other person said, but because of how those words made me feel. Perhaps, I felt rejected, or unloved, or uncared for; even unworthy. It's akin to stepping on an emotional land mine. Someone triggers a response from me when they land on my greatest vulnerabilities. And, who is capable of triggering a response? Those people closest to me, of course.
I am not especially eager to express my vulnerabilities and that can make a D/s relationship a challenge. I am reluctant to say, "I need you", "You just made me feel worried that you won't always be here for me." Or, "I'm worried that you will be angry so I'm not going to tell you what I really think." Even, "I miss you" or "I feel lonely" can be hard to say.
Something deep within my soul and my psyche says to protect against anyone knowing that I am a highly vulnerable person. So, what does one do instead? One uses bluster. One blames the other person for insensitivity. One goes and sits on a shelf and feels dejected; waits to be rescued.
I do so admire those people that keep it simple. Very few of us can do that. They go straight to the heart of the matter and make statements such as, "I feel hurt" "I feel sad" I feel angry" I tend not to do that. In fact, I don't think I do that at all. I did say recently, "I feel stupid" but that was after I didn't say "I feel confused" and created my own interpretation of what had been said to me.
It really doesn't matter why this happened. I could speak to the fact that I had to be mature and independent at too early an age and I developed poor habits of relying completely on myself and keeping my feelings to myself. So much of what I read convinces me more and more that as a society we are getting our priorities in a mess. Young children need to know that as children they are the top priority in caregivers minds. It is their time to be children; to be cared for, loved; allowed innocence; to express their feelings.
But, I don't want to spend time justifying why I go about things the way I do at times. The simple fact is that I need to stop and ask myself, 'What I am feeling?". This has been an area of focus in meditation group classes but I rarely manage to put it into daily practice. This is going to change.
What am I feeling? Do I feel anxious, guilty, proud, bored, upset; touched, moved, good? Do these feelings need to be a secret? It is much better if they are not. If I can express how I feel then the other person can do something about it; at the very least respond to it. Throw a grenade and they'll throw one right back...and double the size! Trust me. I know.
I feel better now
Discussion Boards are much like web journals because although you don't know me, and I don't know other bloggers, we do get the feeling that we know one another, in a way. That's part of the lovely experience of writing in a large forum like this.
There is a young man in our writing group who is clearly a vulnerable soul and although he hasn't responded to my work, I have been moved by his and responded to him. I wondered if it was the mother in me. I felt quite instinctively that he needed nurturing.
Anyway, he just put up a post about the fact that he is bi-sexual; that he wants to write about that; that he wants whatever he writes to move people. Since he's interested in blogging and has just recently got into that, I suggested he write this piece in the first person - to explain what it means to him to be a bi-sexual person - whether that is a choice, a preference or simply what it is. I offered to be a 'critical friend' and read for him, so we'll see how that goes.
He's a gentle soul. He wrote previously of his hurt the first time he was rejected by a friend and how that hurt still remains. He was making his first attempts to see how his behavior could have influenced the outcome of that situation, although he is still too young, I think, to realize that the whole dilemma had to do with his low self-esteem and probable confusion as to who he was.
In the heat of the moment, moments when I might get my knickers in a knot (who else is going to keep these divine old expressions alive if not me?) I can't see clearly my involvement in conflict. It happens very rarely, mind you. Occasionally, however, I respond badly to a situation not so much (or at all) because of what the other person said, but because of how those words made me feel. Perhaps, I felt rejected, or unloved, or uncared for; even unworthy. It's akin to stepping on an emotional land mine. Someone triggers a response from me when they land on my greatest vulnerabilities. And, who is capable of triggering a response? Those people closest to me, of course.
I am not especially eager to express my vulnerabilities and that can make a D/s relationship a challenge. I am reluctant to say, "I need you", "You just made me feel worried that you won't always be here for me." Or, "I'm worried that you will be angry so I'm not going to tell you what I really think." Even, "I miss you" or "I feel lonely" can be hard to say.
Something deep within my soul and my psyche says to protect against anyone knowing that I am a highly vulnerable person. So, what does one do instead? One uses bluster. One blames the other person for insensitivity. One goes and sits on a shelf and feels dejected; waits to be rescued.
I do so admire those people that keep it simple. Very few of us can do that. They go straight to the heart of the matter and make statements such as, "I feel hurt" "I feel sad" I feel angry" I tend not to do that. In fact, I don't think I do that at all. I did say recently, "I feel stupid" but that was after I didn't say "I feel confused" and created my own interpretation of what had been said to me.
It really doesn't matter why this happened. I could speak to the fact that I had to be mature and independent at too early an age and I developed poor habits of relying completely on myself and keeping my feelings to myself. So much of what I read convinces me more and more that as a society we are getting our priorities in a mess. Young children need to know that as children they are the top priority in caregivers minds. It is their time to be children; to be cared for, loved; allowed innocence; to express their feelings.
But, I don't want to spend time justifying why I go about things the way I do at times. The simple fact is that I need to stop and ask myself, 'What I am feeling?". This has been an area of focus in meditation group classes but I rarely manage to put it into daily practice. This is going to change.
What am I feeling? Do I feel anxious, guilty, proud, bored, upset; touched, moved, good? Do these feelings need to be a secret? It is much better if they are not. If I can express how I feel then the other person can do something about it; at the very least respond to it. Throw a grenade and they'll throw one right back...and double the size! Trust me. I know.
I feel better now
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, Omega does a great job at expressing himself when he feels he needs to. The problem is that it's not often that feels he needs to share. Maybe because there's nothing to do, or it's out of his control anyway...
On the other hand, mouse funds it deeply hard to share her feelings. Except maybe when she writes in the blog sometimes do her feelings come out in an unfiltered, yet vague way.
Not at all certain any of this makes sense...
Hugs,
mouse
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI too had to grow up very young and also learned to be entirely self-sufficient regarding emotions. I think actually that explains some of my fetishistic behaviour too. I'm quite a gregarious person but emotionally, and to a significant degree sexually, I existed quite happily on my own for many years. I did well at school, went to university, made my parents proud. But emotionally, I was almost entirely self-sustained. Consequently my relationships with others, such as they were, remained superficial and practical rather than soul deep. And then, when I did fall in love with someone, it was almost always at a distance and I was unable to express it so they never knew the full picture.
I've since learned just how important expressing emotions is and have deliberately worked on improving my ability to do that. For me it is a learned skill, it doesn't come naturally, but it is wonderfully powerful to be able to speak openly and honestly from within.
Mind you I still have difficulty making friends. I have good interpersonal skills at the social level and I can be the life and soul of the party but find the next step of bonding with someone quite difficult emotionally. It's like nobody ever showed me the roadmap to take it to the next level so I was left floundering.
However, finding that skill of making and maintaining deep connections is one of life's most worthwhile lessons. My marriage has taught me that. There is nothing so nurturing as being able to say how you feel and be loved all the more for having done so. We truly are stronger when we lean on each other.
Good luck in developing those skills. I didn't find it easy, but I can say from the other side of the battlefield the grass is definitely greener over here. It's worth every emotional landmine, every moment of hard work and uncertainty and being out of your comfort zone. Keep at it.
RollyMo