When your life is jogging along and people are pulling you in various directions - deadlines, jobs, children and social activities to name a few - I think you generally put your sexual thoughts to one side. Perhaps they are dormant for a while or perhaps they are simply locked in a little compartment of your brain waiting for the opportunity to express them again. What I find is that if too much time goes by before they can be expressed, I get a little low. I'm not quite myself. And, if far too much time goes by before I can express those sexual thoughts, I get itchy/scratchy; aggravated; frustrated; perhaps quiet and subdued. My happiness and sense of well-being is closely associated with being able to express my primal self.
Over the past few years, I have come to know myself well and what turns me on but I never do seem to get the whole picture because just when I think that I have tapped down and uncovered the whole picture I find that there is something more; something new to discover.
When I was a school girl I can remember waiting for my mother in the hot sun and feeling desperately hot and uncomfortable. I would wonder how long I could stand the heat and the perspiration and I would play with my mind. One minute I would feel that I would simply expire only to discover that a few more minutes of discomfort had passed and I was tolerating it. When my mother would arrive I would feel relief that it was over but also some disappointment. Perhaps, I could have tolerated it just a little longer. Even back then, I liked to test myself; to test my mental strength.
This desire to test my mental strength is showing up in my sexuality in a few different ways these days and what I am finding is that when I can push myself a little further than I thought I could go, I get a wonderful rush of elation and it kicks my sexual response into a new land of pleasure. I won't go into details but I had one of the happiest days of my life a few Saturdays ago when my husband paddled me and made love to me in a way more intense than had been the case for some time now. I suppose you call that subspace but just as in my experiences as a girl, I was relieved when he stopped but wondered, could I have taken just a little more? What I can say for sure is that I experienced a euphoria all that afternoon that doesn't come to mortals everyday. I was beaming; blissful; deliciously sore and happy. I felt terribly sorry for anyone who hasn't had the opportunity to be tested in this way.
I am not sure that I am a pain slut or a masochist but I suspect I must be. My husband says I am; that I revel in pain, whether it be a very intense massage or the way I go off to a weights class and test myself with fairly certain knowledge I will be half dead for the next few days with the pain in all my body. I get an enormous kick in being made to do something that I am not at all sure I want to do; whether that be a sadomasochistic practice of some sort, being made to run when I hate to run, or pushed to do my best writing. Whatever. Something deep inside me kicks in and I feel more alive when tested. This goes against the grain in a way for I can be quite anxious when tested. I think the anxiety relates to fear of failure; the awful feeling that I may let myself down. I've struggled with that feeling my entire life.
I did a yoga class yesterday at a gym that I am trying out for a month for virtually free. The teacher was a gorgeous, absolutely stunning specimen of a man. He was jet black with a well toned body; tall; a strong, deep voice and a dominance about him, although I felt he must surely be gay. In the last few minutes, as we relaxed he became more like a preacher and he talked of our "magnificence" and how we were all perfect just the way we are and how we had to be our "own best friend". He talked about "the breath" and how it is the answer to all problems. And, I have definitely found that to be the case. I know when I am out of control because my breath is out of control. It is in this way that I have gained control over my own behaviour and responses and this had made way for me to be open to more and more challenge. If I do fail, I can pick myself off and dust myself off and start all over again. I believe in myself more. And, that makes BDSM practices all the more wonderful for me.
Over the past few years, I have come to know myself well and what turns me on but I never do seem to get the whole picture because just when I think that I have tapped down and uncovered the whole picture I find that there is something more; something new to discover.
When I was a school girl I can remember waiting for my mother in the hot sun and feeling desperately hot and uncomfortable. I would wonder how long I could stand the heat and the perspiration and I would play with my mind. One minute I would feel that I would simply expire only to discover that a few more minutes of discomfort had passed and I was tolerating it. When my mother would arrive I would feel relief that it was over but also some disappointment. Perhaps, I could have tolerated it just a little longer. Even back then, I liked to test myself; to test my mental strength.
This desire to test my mental strength is showing up in my sexuality in a few different ways these days and what I am finding is that when I can push myself a little further than I thought I could go, I get a wonderful rush of elation and it kicks my sexual response into a new land of pleasure. I won't go into details but I had one of the happiest days of my life a few Saturdays ago when my husband paddled me and made love to me in a way more intense than had been the case for some time now. I suppose you call that subspace but just as in my experiences as a girl, I was relieved when he stopped but wondered, could I have taken just a little more? What I can say for sure is that I experienced a euphoria all that afternoon that doesn't come to mortals everyday. I was beaming; blissful; deliciously sore and happy. I felt terribly sorry for anyone who hasn't had the opportunity to be tested in this way.
I am not sure that I am a pain slut or a masochist but I suspect I must be. My husband says I am; that I revel in pain, whether it be a very intense massage or the way I go off to a weights class and test myself with fairly certain knowledge I will be half dead for the next few days with the pain in all my body. I get an enormous kick in being made to do something that I am not at all sure I want to do; whether that be a sadomasochistic practice of some sort, being made to run when I hate to run, or pushed to do my best writing. Whatever. Something deep inside me kicks in and I feel more alive when tested. This goes against the grain in a way for I can be quite anxious when tested. I think the anxiety relates to fear of failure; the awful feeling that I may let myself down. I've struggled with that feeling my entire life.
I did a yoga class yesterday at a gym that I am trying out for a month for virtually free. The teacher was a gorgeous, absolutely stunning specimen of a man. He was jet black with a well toned body; tall; a strong, deep voice and a dominance about him, although I felt he must surely be gay. In the last few minutes, as we relaxed he became more like a preacher and he talked of our "magnificence" and how we were all perfect just the way we are and how we had to be our "own best friend". He talked about "the breath" and how it is the answer to all problems. And, I have definitely found that to be the case. I know when I am out of control because my breath is out of control. It is in this way that I have gained control over my own behaviour and responses and this had made way for me to be open to more and more challenge. If I do fail, I can pick myself off and dust myself off and start all over again. I believe in myself more. And, that makes BDSM practices all the more wonderful for me.
It's interesting, Vesta, how you point out that the same impulses that make you want to test yourself during BDSM also apply to your actions in real life. That's a good observation, and one I hadn't thought of before. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteAs you and I have spoken I am not a fan of pain; however, I do believe I can relate a little with your story about being outside in the heat, pushing yourself to tolerate just a few more minutes.
I used to be a runner. A marathon runner in fact and as all runners know there is a point of "hitting the wall". When I ran I had to push because it hurt, my body ached, my joints screamed for mercy and my chest - oh heavens how my lungs grasped and begged to be put out of their misery. Still the harder my body fought with my mind the more aggressive I became and the longer I would run. I ran and ran and ran until I had pushed myself past all challenges. Looking back, mind you, I wish I had been less stubborn in my persistence for my knees certainly are no longer my friend. Still, I thrived on "forcing" myself to endure just a little more, to conquer what my body thought it was not capable of doing.
Unlike your experiences though my desires outside the realm of BDSM are not as aggressive. When I feel pain inflicted from Master I just wish he would stop rather than seeing how far I can go. When I am experiencing discomfort due to intimate stretching with large toys I desperately and secretly want Master to stop, to pull the toy out without me having to beg for it. My resistance, shall we say is very different between those two worlds.
I greatly admire your self awareness Vesta.
~a
Clearly mouse needs to take up yoga.
ReplyDeleteIt might help clear her head, however upon further reflection, not really sure if that's at all possible.
Hugs,
mouse
Jake: I suspect that a lot of people get involved in BDSM out of a desire to challenge themselves. And, I think I feel more alive and engaged when I have a challenge or two on my plate. It seems to be part of my makeup to have this little masochistic streak too to see if I can push myself just a little bit farther than I think I can go.
ReplyDeletegoodgirl: I can say with a fair degree of certainty that I will never run a marathon. I loathe running but am willing to be pushed to run for periods of time. My husband sometimes makes me do that and I try really hard to rise to that challenge. I think these things go to motivation. You surely discovered a wonderful high when running that eludes me and I, in turn, discovered the high of being asked to take more pain than I thought I could coz I was motivated to do that. This appears to be unexplainable; just a natural predisposition to want to do this and not to do that. In terms of "intimate stretching with large toys" (darling, you can be so charmingly discreet) this became my own desire and so my motivation was high to achieve desired ends. I saw the positives of the situation and they were enticing enough. But, this took a lot of time. The thing is you will have your own motivations and I have not a shred of doubt that you will succeed at whatever you put your mind to.
mouse: With your busy life, if you can get away for an hour or two to do yoga, the benefits to you will be enormous, I am sure. I hope you get a chance to try it.