Time is precious right now. I've moved into and taken over the dining room because it helps me to focus and shows the family that I really do need to work. My son just looked in on me and said that if he didn't know better he would think I had been sitting here all the night. Well, I've been sitting here half the night, I'm afraid.
I've been doing a lot of reading and research. The problem is that one fascinating paper or research article only leads to the next. So, I thought to take a quick break and let you guys here ponder a few things...maybe have a thought or two on the following...
Did you know that the research suggests that 'traditional' couples do better than 'harmonious couples'? This seems to be because traditional couples are more realistic, more committed and stick with one another through good and bad times.
Did you know that a good 'friendship' underlays a good relationship? You need to know things about your partner. What is their greatest fear? What is their favourite color? Relationships are like bank accounts and the other person needs to know that he or she is loved by depositing into the bank account more than you take out.
Did you know that it is vital not to descend down into a negative cycle? When you criticize the other 'person' rather than their behaviour, things are starting to spiral down into the area of 'contempt'. People find that terribly hard and those that practice contempt for the other are well on their way into the divorce courts.
Did you know that one of the most important elements of a long term successful marriage is for the man not to stonewall? Men are much more inclined to do this, the research says, and this is the reason why it is so important for them to be open to listening to a woman and her concerns, ideas and upsets.
Did you know that if a negative sentiment between the two of you overrides a positive sentiment, you need to get back to working on 'friendship'? "I'm sorry" goes a long way towards the positive side of the ledger.
Did you know that research has shown that 'influence' is vital in a relationship? If a man is willing to be influenced by the woman this is a great indicator for a successful marriage.
And, one last thought, did you know that for every criticism you make you need to give five positive comments?
Do you pass the test?
I've been doing a lot of reading and research. The problem is that one fascinating paper or research article only leads to the next. So, I thought to take a quick break and let you guys here ponder a few things...maybe have a thought or two on the following...
Did you know that the research suggests that 'traditional' couples do better than 'harmonious couples'? This seems to be because traditional couples are more realistic, more committed and stick with one another through good and bad times.
Did you know that a good 'friendship' underlays a good relationship? You need to know things about your partner. What is their greatest fear? What is their favourite color? Relationships are like bank accounts and the other person needs to know that he or she is loved by depositing into the bank account more than you take out.
Did you know that it is vital not to descend down into a negative cycle? When you criticize the other 'person' rather than their behaviour, things are starting to spiral down into the area of 'contempt'. People find that terribly hard and those that practice contempt for the other are well on their way into the divorce courts.
Did you know that one of the most important elements of a long term successful marriage is for the man not to stonewall? Men are much more inclined to do this, the research says, and this is the reason why it is so important for them to be open to listening to a woman and her concerns, ideas and upsets.
Did you know that if a negative sentiment between the two of you overrides a positive sentiment, you need to get back to working on 'friendship'? "I'm sorry" goes a long way towards the positive side of the ledger.
Did you know that research has shown that 'influence' is vital in a relationship? If a man is willing to be influenced by the woman this is a great indicator for a successful marriage.
And, one last thought, did you know that for every criticism you make you need to give five positive comments?
Do you pass the test?
I did know that, I do pass the test and I have a very successful relationship with my best friend.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see what else comes out of all your research.
Vesta, these are really interesting little nuggets of info. Can you pass on your references/bibliography? I'm sure my dear wife would be as interested as I am to read them. I don't think either of us would claim to have known all of those points explicitly, though I would suggest we have come to understand them innately.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I have known each other for a quarter century and have been living as a couple for all but three of those 25 years. It's funny, seeing as we are both quite analytical personalities with an interest in the human condition, but before we separated for three years and then got back together 5 years ago, we were not at all good at communicating our wants and needs and often lazy in our relationship to each other. We were good at the practical things and shared many of the same interests, but somehow we lost sight of the beauty in each other. I wouldn't say it was contempt, but it was a cooling and distancing that became a downward spiral of disinterest.
It was one of the key things we realized in our relationship counseling, and now we pay much more attention to nurturing our relationship than we ever did previously as we both realize how important we are to each other and how hopeless we are when apart. I would say we are definitely closer now than we have ever been, and continuing to grow closer day by day. By the way, on Christmas Day we took the "very important step" that you and I discussed via email and it has brought us a great deal of joy each day since. Thank you for suggesting it.
Concentrating on the positives helps motivate us to invest in our marriage. I would say that we are a very positive couple generally, though my wife is more prone to worry than I. In that sense, our being a traditional couple helps us be more settled.
Was there any research in your reading material on the importance of laughter? I guess it keys into the "friendship" thing but we both share a good laugh every day and I find this alone dissipates a lot of stress from our daily lives and always brings us closer together. We share a similar sense of fun and this is something we never tire of. We also make a conscious effort to find time every few days to discuss the ups and downs of life, to share compliments and explain our feelings. We always try to mention the things each has done that brought the other joy or pain. I think being analytical and self-aware helps us to do this in a way that doesn't let emotions get the better of us, even when we are discussing emotive subjects. It can be difficult sometimes to find the words to be diplomatic, but the effort in doing so really pays off for us.
Finally ,I would say that being "grown up" about our relationship in the sense of taking it seriously and responsibly, has helped us actually be more child-like in our outlook on life and to each other. We worry less, play more and make sure we put our hearts into the times we share.
So far, it's working out just fine...
Totally agree with everything Sir J said!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
Sir J: Yes. I know you well enough to say that you more than pass the test! It was the 'influence' factor I found most interesting. Apparently, men can influence women easily. We are pretty open to suggestion, it seems. It is when a woman cannot influence a man that issues can arise in the relationship and make it more far more likely that the marriage will fail.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, there was a time when I had no influence over my husband. It was erotic desire that lead me into the spanking side of things but it was the lack of influence that had me investigating the D/s style of relationship. Interestingly, it was when I put the other measures into place (no criticism, speaking politely etc.) that we were able to return to a place where I had some influence and we are both much,much happier now.
RollyMo: Well, many of the ideas came from a lovely woman at an agency here that helps people to have good relationships. She had done some research for me. Other ideas came from the work of John Gottman and Sue Johnson. I can't really put up things I intend to use academically (self-plagiarism issues) but there is a lot of info on the Web.
The big concern for those in relationships where there is a great deal of control is that they may overlook these vital components of a healthy relationship. That was my purpose in putting up this post; to alert readers to that fact. 'Control' is at the heart of domestic violence (which usually is not violent at all but about issues related to money and so forth) so these factors that make up a healthy relationship really must be part of all our relationships, even the most intense ones.
If you are laughing every day, I have to think you are in terrific shape. And, my congrats on taking that big step on Christmas Day. I'm sure it made you both very happy.
mouse: Oh, that is so nice to hear. Happy people. Yes, at the heart of all relationships is friendship; caring about one another in every sense of the word.
ReplyDelete